What’s Your One Thing? / Counselor and Radio Host Dr. Randy Carlson Shares Practical Ways to Live Intentionally 

You’ve reached a point in your life when you realize something needs to change. Maybe it’s in your finances, your parenting or your relationships. But getting started is overwhelming! How to even begin? Dr. Randy Carlson, counselor, best-selling author and nationally syndicated radio host, believes living a better life is easier than you think.

Whether through the written word or on the radio, Dr. Randy offers wisdom related to health, work, finance, family and faith gleaned from 28 years of counseling, speaking at marriage and family events, and hosting his inspirational call-in radio show. Intentional Living, the ministry he founded in 2007, is the equipping arm of Family Life Communications, Inc., which plays adult contemporary Christian music with informational, uplifting spoken content on 40 radio stations across the country as well as online at myflr.org. Dr. Randy shares practical life tips with callers on the Intentional Living program, which airs at 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. PT. He also produces podcasts and one-minute Intentional Living videos and radio shorts.

Dr. Randy entered the world of communication through radio as a teenager. It wasn’t until he was in his early 30s that he pursued training to become a licensed marriage and family therapist, earning his doctorate in Education with a focus in Counseling Psychology. His radio ministry began with the Parent Talk program he began hosting in 1990 with friend and fellow counselor Dr. Kevin Leman. The two also co-authored titles about parenting and family. They realized many parenting challenges actually stem from marriage issues, so Dr. Randy began concentrating on the broader relationship themes addressed through Intentional Living today.

He’s found radio listeners are looking for friendships and someone they can connect with. Announcers model real life with plenty of caller interaction to highlight stories of people sharing their growth in Christ. “As Christians we love the Lord and know why we are here, but we also need to know how to live,” Dr. Randy said.

At one point, Intentional Living supported a staff of 50 therapists helping 5,000 clients a year. As churches became more involved in marriage counseling, Dr. Randy focused on helping families through radio programs, books and events. The key to Dr. Randy’s philosophy is helping people experience life as God intended – with intention.

“Too many believers live in the world of regret, procrastination, fatigue and anxiety,” he said. “I don’t believe that’s what God intended. It’s not about perfection or works. If God is intentional, as beings made in his image, we too are created to be intentional. But we can’t just have good intentions. Being intentional is much more than a goal or a good idea, it’s not just the why, but the how that’s the fuel driving our behavior.

“The Why + the How is knowing where you are headed and then following through,” he added. “A lot of what gets us into trouble in marriage is what we tell ourselves,” Dr. Randy said. “You can change your thinking by taking captive every thought out of obedience to Christ —which affects attitudes, emotions, and words. Words matter. If we can change our vocabulary in our marriage, we can change our marriage.”

His book, The Power of One Thing: How to Intentionally Change Your Life, published in 2017, outlines the core philosophies that undergird his recommendations. The Power of One Thing recommends turning good intentions into daily actions until they become a habit. “40% of our actions are habitual,” Dr. Randy said. “Instead of making big resolutions that quickly overwhelm you, The Power of One Thing invites you to begin moving toward change one daily, intentional step at a time. You’ll learn how to figure out which positive change can make the biggest payoff in your life; you’ll get practical tips from those who have already benefited from this plan; and you’ll see how your one thing, lived intentionally over time, will help you to achieve the dreams you’d almost given up on,” from the book review.

Dr. Randy explains how The Power of One Thing applies to marriage or anything else.

1) Decide you want something better. Everything makes or breaks on decisions, he said. “Once people decide together they want a better marriage, it’s a piece of cake to help them. The problem with marriage is that it involves two people. We help people see the cost of not making their marriage better — to their kids, to their finances, to their family, to their relationship with Christ.”

2) Discover God’s intention for marriage. You can find many helpful verses like, Husbands, love your wives; Wives, respect your husbands, and Think not only of your own interests, but also the interests of others.

3) Do the One Thing. This is where the rubber meets the road. Dr. Randy helps people think through the one thing they can do consistently for 30 days to improve in some area. Maybe it’s vowing to quit criticizing or resolving to pray for their spouse.

Dr. Randy asks, “What do you think it is going to take?” “Most people already know what will make their marriage better, ” he said. “People know their bad habit or area of selfishness. It’s something that is not working for them now. That’s the thing to give up. Make a decision about what’s the next one thing,” he exhorts.

Dr. Randy challenges couples at Intentional Living date night events to commit to something that becomes the point of demarcation for them to move in a healthy direction for their marriage. Those who are willing to make a decision that night can take one of his One Thing wristbands to help them remember their pledge.

4) Declutter. Make room for the things that need to be discarded to allow margin for growth. “You’re not going to be successful doing the new things unless you declutter some of the things that are not working in your mind, spirit or attitude,” he said. “Procrastination, criticism, lack of shared goals — those things have to go.”

On his website, Theintentionallife.com, Dr. Randy offers a list of the Top 10 things people can do to get their marriage on track. He suggests couples first select One Thing and work to create a habit rather than tackling all 10 at once.

Top Ten List of What You Can Do to Build a Marriage that Lasts

1. Forgive Quickly. The Bible speaks of keeping “short accounts.” In other words, don’t hold on to anger. Keep your marriage “current” instead of bottling up past issues, only to release them one day in an angry volley. “… be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

2. Commit Freely. Live up to your vows. Be committed to each other and to the Lord. And be committed to working through any issues that arise—even if you need to get help. Eliminate the thought of divorce as an option. “Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.” (Psalm 37:5 (NLT))

3. Share Values. It’s important to be on the same page with the things that are really important, especially in your spiritual lives. Pray together. Serve together. Be active in church together. Pull on the “same end of the rope.” “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NIV))

4. Grow Up. You’re not at Mom’s or Dad’s anymore. You are committed to the grown up relationship of marriage, so act like it! Be responsible with your money and time and work and each other. This includes the critical need to be self-less with your spouse. It’s a matter of personal maturity. “Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you.” (2 Corinthians 13:11 (NLT))

5. Live the “Love Passage” of 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT))

6. Practice Healthy Communication. Speak to each other. Share your feelings. Intimacy will grow as you develop the habits and skills of healthy communications. If you don’t know how, then learn how. Read a book. Watch a teaching video on how to communicate. Take a look at our “inTENtionals for Marriage Communication”. “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” (Ephesians 4:15-16 (NLT))

7. Hold Realistic Expectations. Anytime Expectations are greater than Reality, Disappointment is the result. Mathematically illustrated: E > R = D. Keep your expectations realistic. Maybe you can’t change reality, but you can change your expectations. “Always continue to fear the Lord. You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed. My child, listen and be wise: Keep your heart on the right course.” (Proverbs 27:17-19 (NLT))

8. Have Fun. You live with enough stressors in your life. Be sure you enjoy one another in playful, fun ways. Find shared interests and make time to share in those activities. “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:18 (NLT))

9. Anticipate something Together. Have something to look forward to: maybe an upcoming church event, a date night or a day trip. Perhaps a vacation or simply a movie and popcorn at home. “And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ.” (Philemon 1:6 (NLT))

10. Leave and Cleave. You are in this marriage TOGETHER. The TWO of you have become ONE. Depend on each other, as you depend on God to hold you together. As you each grow closer to Jesus, you will also grow closer to each other. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 (KJV)

Dr. Randy’s One Thing process works the same way with his radio audience. He’ll interact with callers and ask what’s their One Thing – perhaps a practice that’s improving communication in marriage. Others can benefit from caller success stories. “These are practical examples rather than just theory,” he said. “They can take those ideas and apply them to their marriage.”

In addition to radio and events, Dr. Randy has written a handful of books. His most recent, Freedom from Hijacked Emotions, about overcoming anxiety, anger and fear, released in 2019 just as the pandemic came out. Quite timely, as he said our culture now is rife with hijacked emotions. How do we find freedom and tear down anxiety and fear? We are either going to manage our emotions or be managed by the emotions that can damage relationships, he said.

He developed the concept of hand, head and heart to describe types of emotional relationship styles. Each has a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions. Head people tend to be analytical. They build until they explode, he said. Hand people get busy and suppress their emotions. Dr. Randy believes that man was created with the perfect balance among thinking, emotions and behavior. But after the fall, people tend to gravitate to one style and veer into conflict.

Starved for Affection, published in 2005, also pertains to marriage. Its content developed from feedback from radio listeners. Many were sharing how their spouse missed them in the ways they defined and gave affection. “We have great power to be able to affect our spouse positively,” Dr. Randy said, “but we don’t know how until we can get behind their eyes and know what’s most important to them.” He explained people may be starved for closeness, passion, friendship, shared vision, spiritual intimacy, non-sexual closeness, and soul mating. He describes Starved for Affection as a practical book for couples to read together to illuminate their particular mismatch.

Dr. Randy believes being intentional in our marriages and lives will bring glory to God and benefit us. “If you want to have a great marriage, make sure you are doing one thing to build your marriage every day. I’m convinced that’s the best way to avoid a divorce,” he said.

What’s your next One Thing?