Skills for Every Stage of Marriage | Pastor/Date Night Comic Advocates Love and Laughter

Have you ever felt yourself gritting your teeth in a hard season of life and just wishing it would pass? Our recent experience with Covid might come to mind. Pastor and relationship expert Ted Cunningham suggests that couples embrace the good or bad of whatever season in which they find themselves and face it together, with strength and good humor, rather than waiting for a better tomorrow.

“I’m saddened by the destination addiction idea, that you will not find joy or happiness in this season but will if you can just get to the next,” Ted said. “If you believe you can’t enjoy life even in a hard season, you won’t pursue it. It is the murder of the soul.”

Ted hopes to energize couples, many who have fallen prey to the destination addiction.  “They’ve switched jobs, switched states, think they’ll find more joy in another church. They can’t enjoy where they are. Stop looking for greener grass.  Under the green grass, there’s a septic leak. Stay at home and water your own lawn,” he said.

Another caution, “Just because you changed jobs, states, houses or churches during the pandemic, don’t change spouses. Focus on the factors and skills that lead to a high level of marriage satisfaction. You can enjoy the spouse you are with right now. You don’t need a new spouse.”

Last year Ted said the focus was hardships caused by the pandemic. “I can’t get you out of a difficult season and stage,” he said. But what he did do was develop a new streaming video series called Helping Couples Win. He created 24, six to 12-minute videos that narrow down the most essential skills about which couples need to be intentional— like communication and quality time. “This is not a Bible study, it’s something you can watch in the car driving to a date,” he said, “and its not outdated, boring or preachy. These are quick things couples can do something about.

“When you were dating, no one had to tell you to touch each other and spend time together, you did those things like breathing,” he said. As the years wear on, those behaviors don’t come as easily. “It can feel natural again.”

“I think a lot of couples cannot or won’t get to a counselor,” he said. “But I hope Helping Couples Win will be a slow drip and really change their thinking on what marriage can be.”

Ted has found people wake up and realize that everything was okay, but they are not sure why things took a turn for the worse all of a sudden. He believes seasons and stages of life change us and our spouses — marriage, moving, health issues, financial crisis, parenting — “through the course of your marriage you’ll be five to seven different people. I hope you embrace changes with curiosity and fascination rather than disillusionment.”

Ted’s book, Fun Loving You: Enjoying Your Marriage in the Midst of the Grind, encourages couples to choose to see their spouses as a companion in difficult circumstances. The book will be updated for its 10-years anniversary to reflect societal changes, but its content remains relevant. Ted pushes back on the idea that marriage is always just about work.

“It puts people off,” he said. “Too many people see marriage as a grind. God did not give you your spouse to be the ‘toilsome labor of life,’ he gave you your spouse to go through the toil with you.

“Young people look around, they see poor marriages modeled and people talking about it like it’s grueling. They think, nope, I’d rather go on a mission trip to become more like Jesus.  I don’t need to get married to do that.”

The antidote? Ted advocates couples make a decision to learn and practice factors and skills that will allow them to enjoy life together in every season and stage. He has found people either make purposeful decisions or drift. “No one chooses to drift,” he said. “It is the absence of decision. When you drift, you become disillusioned and disconnected. But you can always choose to get back on the road of decision.”

He recommends three key practices to stay on same page: the Daily Delay, Weekly Withdrawal and Annual Abandon.

The Daily Delay is finding 15-20 minutes to talk and connect every day at a time mutually determined to be productive for both spouses. The Daily Delay is a kid free, tech free, distraction free business meeting, where listening is key to keeping on the same page and solving problems.

For example, both spouses may have grown up with a different family history of spending or saving money. Discussions about simple things like how to celebrate a birthday or a landscaping project can grow tense when the emotional reactions triggered by the backstories collide.

When a couple uncovers a conflict, Ted suggests putting the issue aside and connecting heart to heart to get below the surface to find a win-win solution. Every message written on a person’s heart has a story behind it, he said. What is the story that triggers a reaction?

“Listening doesn’t mean I agree with you, and disagreeing with you doesn’t mean I hate you.  Listening means you matter,” he said. When you feel validated, you’ll start fighting to help your spouse win. Keeping those accounts short with the Daily Delay protects the Weekly Withdrawal to keep it a positive experience, Ted said.

The Weekly Withdrawal is a planned time that incorporates an element of fun – often known as date night. Ted offers date night suggestions and ideas for fun in his book, A Love that Laughs. Ted also speaks on the Date Night Comedy Tour.

The Annual Abandon is time away to refresh and recharge. The Bible tells us to honor, enjoy and prioritize each other, Ted said.

“Marriage is one of the greatest gifts we give our children, but they are not the center of the home, they are a welcome addition.”

He encourages couples to at least dream together about their next time away, even if travel remains difficult.

Marriage mentors urged Ted and his wife of more than 20 years, Amy, to adopt these practices to make sure they were prioritizing their marriage during the busy season two decades ago when Ted was co-founding Woodland Hills Family Church, a non-denominational, evangelical church in Branson, Missouri, while raising their two children.

“We had to make these things intentional, to spend time  together, think about, honor, enjoy and prioritize each other, like in the Song of Solomon, Chapter 1:4, ‘We rejoice and love in you,’” Ted said.

He extends that concept to the attitude of the church. “We should be for the young people getting married.” He sees weddings as a wonderful witnessing tool for churches – a practice he models at Woodlands Family Church.

“I can’t think of a better outreach right now (than weddings),” he said. “You are getting a couple hundred people who have never been at your church seeing a ministry that is for marriage. We think Sunday morning is the big day. We (Woodlands Family Church) put just as much hospitality into weddings and funerals. We are open and ready for you, whether you are rejoicing or mourning.”

Ted sees people in 2021 making up for lost time, whether it’s the boom in weddings or desire to gather and reconnect. “I don’t think the landscape for marriage is as doom and gloom as people have painted it. There’s a desire and resurgence for marriage ministry,” he noted.