Having a Happy Home | Arlene Pellicane Shares Best Marriage Practices

You want to raise your children in a happy home, and you agree a healthy marriage is key to that goal. You might listen to a few podcasts, follow a speaker in the relationship field, even read a book or two. But how do you keep up with all the information from all the experts? Is there a way to easily incorporate best practices into your busy life?

There is one who has done the heavy lifting to make your quest manageable – Arlene Pellicane, speaker, writer, mother and wife, had the same desire for her home to be a happy one that reflects the glory of God. She used her journalism skills and her contacts made producing television and radio shows for the 700 Club and Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah to interview the best of the best marriage and family thought leaders to glean from their wisdom. She synthesized their expert advice into small, digestible chapters of her easy-to-read books, 31 Days to a Happy Husband and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife. These books, among her nine titles, provide a simple on-ramp to help people incorporate good habits into their daily routines. Arlene wraps advice from marriage ministry giants like Dr. David Jeremiah, Dr. David Clarke, Bill and Pam Farrel, Carol Kent, Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner, and Bob Lepine around stories from her own life to make the concepts easy to understand and apply. You’ll recognize foundational principles from Dr. Willard Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs and Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages and learn how to follow Arlene’s example to enrich your relationships.

Arlene was concentrating on raising her three children, writing on a free-lance basis, when she decided to try her hand at a book. Her mentor, Pam Farrel, helped her connect with several women of influence in the Christian realm at a speaker event. Arlene asked leaders like Lysa TerKeurst and Thelma Wells how they stayed so young in body, mind and spirit, information that became 31 Days to a Younger You. Pam helped launch this first title by introducing Arlene’s manuscript to her own publisher, Harvest House.

Arlene knew her next book needed to speak to the subject about which she is most passionate – a happy home. (Now also the title of her ministry and podcasts). She describes the home in which she was raised as energetic and joyful. “So many people don’t come from a happy home,” she said. “I want to help people have that. We live in a time with such fear, anxiety and depression. You don’t have to bounce like Tigger (from Winnie the Pooh), but look different because you have joy as a fruit of the spirit of God indwelling you.”

Her greatest professional desire is to help marriages and families be places where people flourish to make marriage attractive to the next generation.

Arlene wrote 31 Days to a Happy Husband: What a Man Needs Most from his Wife based on her own experiences. She found many of her peers tended to put their husbands on the back burner, and especially when they had young children in the home, herself included. She noticed she and her friends were drifting into the habit of neglecting date nights, considering sex a chore, and putting all their energy into the kids. “I realized this was not a problem exclusive to me,” she said. “When we first get married, we are so excited about our husbands,” she said. “Then we start pouring into our kids and forget they exist. What if we turned back to our husbands for 31 days and started concentrating on them?” she said. The problem with drifting is that you can keep drifting apart.

Following the pattern of her first book, Arlene interviewed 31 husbands to glean content. She asked them what they enjoyed and what made them feel loved. She describes the results using the acronym DREAM, which reminds women of ways they can continue to nurture their relationship and meet their husband’s needs.

D– stands for domestic tranquility – Making your home a haven to come to. Look around – does your house look like adults live there? Arlene asked with a laugh. Tidy and organize enough so your husband feels like he has a place in the home, too.

R– for respect – Respect his needs and his words.

E – eros – romantic love. Keep the pilot light lit. Physical intimacy is very important to most men.

A – attraction – Do you make an effort to look remotely close to the person he married? Put your best foot forward when he comes home – smile at him, hug him when he comes in the house. Men are visual. “If I make an effort to look halfway decent even if we are the only ones home, that’s my way to be considerate to my husband,” Arlene said.

M – mutual activities – Many men rank doing things with their wives high on their list of making them feel loved. What interests can you develop together?

One of the first things Arlene realized when she began to interview men – how important the physical part of marriage is to them.

“My husband was so excited when I told him I was going to interview Cliff and Joyce Penner (authors of The Gift of Sex),” Arlene said. “Cliff says, ‘Nothing turns on a man like a turned-on woman.’ They also talk about the daily kiss between husband and wife, which tells a man, ‘I still love you,’ ‘I still want you,’” she added. New moms might be concerned about embracing their husbands affectionately, as one told Arlene, “I don’t want to do that – he’ll turn into an octopus!”

The Penners consider the daily kiss a way to keep the pilot light lit – “It doesn’t always mean ‘go time,’ but it just keeps the temperature warm so it can be ‘go time’ more often,” Arlene added. She bravely included her husband’s thoughts on the subject, phrased as, “Here’s what one guy said… Whatever your man’s need is, you have to respect that. It shows a lack of respect if you discount one of his valid needs.” Sex is good for both of us. We need a constant reordering of how we can get back to following God’s design, she added.

Other insights: Bill Farrel reminded wives to keep wondering what makes their husband tick. Bob Lepine suggested asking your husband what he finds attractive. The book is arranged in 31 chapters meant to be read daily. Each concludes with a challenge to notice/nurture some trait in your husband that day as well as a prayer.

31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife was a natural follow-up. Arlene included the word becoming in its title to reflect the ability a woman has to determine her happiness and that of others around her. She again interviewed best in field experts for their takeaways, including Proverbs 31 Ministries contributor Sharon Jaynes, who wrote, “Regardless of whether my husband is Prince Charming or a grumpy man, I’m going to find joy in being married and enjoy my role as a wife.”

Arlene noted, “If you are in marriage staring at the problems, you are staring at the wrong things. Instead stare at the promises of God, the commitments you have made, the things you admire about your husband,” she said. Marjorie Blanchard, the author of the One Minute Manager asked, “What’s new on your marriage resume? Are you taking a new vacation, going to a marriage conference, serving somewhere together, going to visit adult children?”

“Don’t take your marriage for granted. Make a plan, think it, and do it,” Arlene said.

HAPPY is the word Arlene uses to lists key points of the Happy Wife book.

H– hopeful – Put your trust in God that He will bless you for choosing to bless your marriage, even if it feels like you’ve been disappointed or your needs weren’t met.

A – adaptable – How can you be more adaptive and roll with your husband’s way of doing things or his ideas?

P – positive – Set an example with your friends and change the culture by saying something nice instead of negative about your husband. “Grumbling and complaining is what got the children of Israel in trouble with God,” Arlene noted.

P – purposeful – Take responsibility to make your relationship interesting. “How can you have purpose for marriage? What are your marriage goals?” she asked.

“Stop waiting for someone to magically appear to fix it.”

Y – yield to your husband – He is the leader in the home. Our opinion isn’t less valuable or insignificant, we just have different roles, Arlene said. As long as he’s not asking you to do something that breaks God’s law, trust him and support the dignity of his leading the home. God blesses submission. And who’s to say our way will work out better anyway? When you obey God, his blessings flow into your life.

One decision Arlene and her husband agreed on was keeping a very low technology home, which provided inspiration for her most recent book, Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World, co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman. The Pellicanes decided to stand against culture and not allow their three children to be consumed by technology – including no cell phones until they graduate from high school. The family doesn’t have cable and didn’t even start streaming anything until COVID. Arlene credits lack of technology a contributor to their home’s peace and tranquility.

“We didn’t have to argue with the kids about putting down the phone or the video game. We were on the same page about technology and worked the plan together,” she said. Interestingly, although she worked as a television producer, the couple didn’t have a television or cable service at all for the first three months of marriage. “We didn’t want to start the evenings with all the noise,” she said. Now she often writes in her blogs or mentions on her Happy Home podcasts the distractions cell phones can be.

“My spouse is more interesting than my phone,” she said. She recounts this and other ways to live life in person rather than online in another recent book, Calm, Cool and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life. Arlene promises to, “walk you through an easy 5-step plan to help you center your life on God and loving others by decluttering your screen time. By introducing new habits with your phone and other screens, you can significantly improve the quality of your relationships, waste less time, and be more productive,” she wrote on her website.

Ready to take advantage of Arlene’s research to enrich your relationships? Find her resources at arlenepellicane.com.