Understanding Unlocks Connection | Child of Divorced Parents Shares Perspective

One of the most pernicious lies promoted by modern culture is that a parent’s divorce won’t negatively affect their children. The message that kids are resilient – they’ll be fine, maybe even better off in a family where their parents aren’t fighting — has become so common it is accepted as fact.

But it’s wrong. Children deeply feel the pain of their parents’ divorce. Relationship educator Lauren Reitsema wrote, In Their Shoes: Helping Parents Better Understand and Connect with Children of Divorce, to give a voice to the millions of children whose parents’ divorce fractured their families. Their lives were forever changed with no warning and no input from them. And there’s nothing they can do to recover what was lost.

Lauren speaks from the perspective of experience. Her parents divorced when she was a teenager. Although she maintains a close relationship with both her mother and father and their subsequent spouses now, she wrote this book so adults (parents and future stepparents) can understand how their actions impact the children involved. Her explanation of the emotions she felt can help others be more sensitive to the difficulty children experience when their world is torn apart.

“At the root, divorce is a form of trauma,” she said. “People believe the children are fine because we look fine.”  BUT, 

“There is a piece of a child’s heart that is lost.” 

Lauren used the acronym SMILE to describe the child’s perspective. Each letter of the word represents concerns behind the brave smile a child of divorce shows to the world.

SMILE

S – Stages of Grief. Any loss requires emotional stages to process. People start with denial, then move to anger, bargaining and depression, before they reach acceptance. For children, their parents’ divorce represents the loss of their dream of their family, which is “a really heavy, sad thing,” Lauren said. Rushing the grieving process prevents healing. Instead, allow the divorce to be called a loss and give children the right to grieve. Children are often told to “get over it.” Instead, say, “I’m going to give you the skills to get through it.”

M – Memory loss. When parents divorce, pictures depicting the former family are hidden away. What is hidden becomes shameful. The message is conveyed that “your old life, your former family, is no longer valid.” Lauren noted a loss of generational connection. When family stories cease to be told, memories atrophy. Children of divorce often don’t remember pieces of their childhood because of the trauma of the event.

I – Identity Crisis. Have you ever been to a sporting event and didn’t know which team to cheer for? That’s what happens to a child when parents create new family structures. Mom gets a new name and a fresh start; dad starts a new family with a second wife. The bio-kids are left in between on the outside, Lauren noted.

L- Lingering Effects. Divorce is a decision with lifetime consequences. Lauren named one situation “stolen firsts.” When she was pregnant with her first baby, her stepdad already had grandchildren. With good intentions, he remarked that he was excited to welcome “baby number five,” to the family. But Lauren’s baby would be her mother’s first grandchild. “I never thought I’d have to share the ‘first’ baby with a legacy that has ‘been there done that,’ she said. This includes exhausting expectations – as children shuttle between houses, they grow weary of having to repeat the same stories to each set of parents. They are expected to be “on” all the time. “If you are tired or forget something or are not nice to the step-parent, it often feels like your fault,” Lauren said, adding that as a teenager she “didn’t have a safe place to emote with all these new people in my life.”

E – Evaluating Marriage. Children of divorce are always evaluating whether marriage is going to work for them. There are fears of the “sleeper effect.” “If my grandparents, my parents are all divorced, am I doomed to repeat this pattern?” she worried.

Lauren hopes her insight will help parents and blended families understand children’s mindset as they navigate a new family dynamic. She also offers practical ideas and support to help foster better communication and relationships.

“This is a legacy-changer in my opinion,” she said. “It’s not just self-help for stepparents to feel better. We need to stop normalizing the trauma of divorce as if it has no impact. It grieves my soul. I feel like we are lying through the media and courageous facades to a generation that divorce is an easy out when you are not happy.” 

Determined not to repeat her parents’ pattern of divorce, she studied communication at Texas Christian University, searching for ways to stave off the “sleeper effect” in her own life. Lauren found learning relationship education skills was the key to break the legacy.

“Wishing to stay together doesn’t do the trick,” Lauren said. “Marriage is not the problem. We should not fear marriage. The toxic patterns of relationships are the problem. If we can get skills to kids and families before crisis, we can save a generation from the fear of something that was not meant to hurt them.”

Lauren bases her recommendations on her 15 years of experience speaking and teaching relationship skills to teens, adults and corporate teams. She’s currently the Vice President of Strategy and Communications at The Center for Relationship Education (CRE), where she shares these lessons with others through relationship skills training.

CRE created the Real Essentials curricula for people from fourth grade to adulthood. Relationship skills training, starting in childhood, sets a foundation for success, she said. Educators teach how to be a good friend, how to work with people, how to take ownership and responsibility for behavior, using activity-based learning founded on research. Whether resources for nurses, high school health teachers, marriage and family pastors, or leadership teams in the workplace, Real Essentials curricula teaches prevention-based skills to break long-term cycles.

“Why is shame associated with bettering yourself with a relationship skill?” Lauren asked. “You sign up for a math class, you are considered brilliant. But people who take a relationship class are deemed wounded or out of touch.

“We want to debunk the stereotypes that relationships are common sense and that we should know how to do them because we are human,” Lauren said.

Lauren further explained that professionals at CRE approach solving problems from a root cause mindset. She noted that so often the societal issues and problems of our day — increased detachment disorders, suicide prevalence, societal risk factors like teen pregnancy, substance abuse — all relate to the stress and trauma rooted in relationships. Instead of creating programs that address the symptoms as the problem, they strive to tie the root cause of every high-risk behavior back to a disconnected or misconnected relationship. Once they identify the underlying cause, they can address it with healthy coping strategies.

Whether through curricula or speaking events, Real Essentials uses unforgettable, metaphorical activity-based learning to make relationship skills practical.

One demographic on which CRE focuses are emergency responders and those serving in the military. CRE is committed to serving those who serve others so selflessly. Personnel in these fields tend to experience heightened stress due to chronic exposure to trauma that drains emotional energy. Sometimes this leaves their families vulnerable to getting the emotional leftovers.

CRE created Real Essentials Respond, a certification experience that earned a federal grant to provide 12 hours of relationship and skills training to 300 Colorado responder couples annually for the next four years. The all-expense paid, five-star experience for couples in the responder and military community is not meant to offer in-depth therapy, rather applicable skills training framed in a workshop series capped off by a fun weekend retreat.

“We’ve seen crazy amounts of life change,” Lauren said. Participants receive date night takeaways and best practice videos afterward to help them remember what they’ve learned.

As Real Essentials has been scaled and duplicated, CRE hopes that others will seek training to take Real Essentials Respond to responder and military communities outside of Colorado.

CRE envisions equipping bases all over the country and also trains peer support leaders. Peer support is a structure that can help de-stigmatize getting mental health help. An organization like a fire academy can send even a few people to learn resources relevant to trauma. The training is affordable and dynamic and can be utilized in Peer Support circles as an efficient and effective way to increase return on investment.

In November, Lauren will release her next book: Relationship Essentials: Skills to Feel Heard, Fight Fair, and Set Boundaries in All Areas of Life, co-authored with her mother, Joneen Mackenzie, President and Founder of CRE.

The book uses the analogy of a toolbox to introduce concepts that apply to relationships in all areas of life. Each literal tool — hammer, wrench, measuring tape — is explained in a relational context then given a purpose in a person’s tool belt. For example, the authors use a measuring tape to introduce the concept of boundaries — how to set time, emotional and physical limits.

“The information is usable and relevant,” Lauren said. “We love using everyday tools to explain practical skills in a memorable way.”

Lauren hopes those at a crossroads will find hope they can change their patterns, rather than change a person, to get the desired outcome.

“I hope to leave a generation contemplating the idea that if they change the patterns in a toxic marriage, they can fulfill their dreams of a happily-ever-after marriage, without moving on,” she said. “If people don’t do the work and change, they may end up replicating the same patterns with a new person. And blending families is not always easy, either. No marriage should be abusive or toxic, but I believe in second chances.”