Should I Try to Work it Out | Marriage and Family Researcher Alan Hawkins Revises Guidebook for Couples Considering Divorce

Alan Hawkins, Ph.D., has devoted his professional career to studying family life. A professor in the Brigham Young University School of Family Life, Dr. Hawkins has focused his work on studying and applying relationship education tools to help individuals and couples form and sustain healthy relationships and strong marriages. He served on the National Divorce Decision Making Project, which documented the prevalence of couples experiencing divorce ambivalence and whether intervention affected marital outcomes.

Almost 15 years ago, Dr. Hawkins noticed that the Utah legislature had passed a law requiring divorcing parents of minor children to take a two-hour parenting class and a one-hour “Divorce 101” class with a goal of providing resources for 1) avoiding divorce, if possible, 2) understanding divorce’s effects on children, and 3) learning about the legal options for divorce.  Interestingly, the law’s founder was a divorce lawyer who had experienced divorce ambivalence in her own practice and felt that it was important for the Utah legislature to provide space for couples to be sure instead of jumping to divide up their property.

Dr. Hawkins contacted the legislator, and once they realized there was no curriculum for the required class, he volunteered to create what became Should I Try to Work it Out: A Guidebook for Individuals and Couples at the Crossroads to Divorce. He began by asking all the questions people might have (and some they should have had) and organizing those answers into a divorce ideation guidebook. The Utah Marriage Commission adopted the guidebook, and some therapists also used it, but not much attention was put into marketing the resource. See a summary of the original content below. Dr. Hawkins uploaded the guidebook material to the Utah Marriage Commission site (StrongerMarriage.org). He also put the contents of the book, plus other features, onto another website: Yourdivorcequestions.org, which is still available to the public today.

His colleague at Utah’s Cooperative Extension System at Utah State University, Brian Higginbotham, recruited Dr. Hawkins to join him to create an online version of the class that people could take remotely – similar to a class one might take to erase a speeding ticket. Dr. Hawkins taught the required class for five years in his local county, until both the divorce class and the parenting class became available online and “put him out of business,” as 90% of couples going through a divorce chose the online version.

Unfortunately, most divorce lawyers were mentioning the course to their clients at the end of their divorce process as a last box to check before their paperwork can be completed. At that late stage, the course is less likely to inspire couples to consider reconciliation as a viable option. To counter that problem, Dr. Hawkins worked with state legislators to lower the $30 fee for the course to $10 if a couple would complete it within 30 days of initially filing for divorce, presumably a time frame in which they might be more likely to be affected by its content and consider options to repair the marriage.

The course is available currently to anyone, even those outside of Utah, who cares to log in. Dr. Higginbotham and Dr. Hawkins plan to update the resource to freshen its content this Fall, 2022. Dr. Hawkins will glean information from his new research work included in a revised copy of the Crossroads to Divorce Guidebook released August 2022. Dr. Hawkins began by changing the introduction to the book, beginning with, “Why is modern marriage so challenging?” Dr. Hawkins believes expectations for marriage have been rising. “Our marriages are super relationships that are supposed to be everything. Some people have the most incredible marriages, but others not, and especially when they have not been putting a lot of energy in,” he said. “Systems without energy fall apart; it’s the natural state of the universe. That’s the way things go if you are not giving your relationship enough attention and energy.”

The new guidebook softens the tone and addresses trends like the grey divorce phenomenon, informal separation, how a parents’ divorce affects adult children, and consensual non-monogamy and polyamory. The language has been made less scholarly and more appealing to a consumer. For example, the title to chapter two reads, “Why Are Good Marriages Hard to Sustain? And Do a Lot of Married People Have Thoughts about Divorce?” rather than “Can Unhappy Marriages Become Happy Again? How?”

The first four chapters have been rearranged and consolidated into three chapters in the new version. Both include exercises for the reader to complete like: “Thinking about Commitment in my Marriage” and “Thinking about Divorce,” and point to resources such as classes to take to make marriage healthier, “Can marriage counseling help?” and “How can I choose a good counselor?”

Other questions include, “Why is commitment so important to a successful marriage?” and “How Does Divorce Affect Children?” as well as its impact on adults and finances.

New Societal Challenges

Grey divorce phenomenon: The vast number of people in their 50s and 60s divorcing are ending second and third marriages, Dr. Hawkins reports, and not first divorces. Fortunately for most adult children experiencing a late-life divorce, it is not a break-up of their biological parents.

Informal separation: Formal, legal separation is rare. But informal separation, “taking a break,” by just moving out is something we had not talked about before, Dr. Hawkins said. He cautions there are reasons to be concerned with that option. “People getting away from each other is not neutral, it establishes a momentum,” he said. Sometimes it is necessary, if someone needs to get to a safe place but hasn’t given up on the marriage, as in the case of abuse or addiction. But now couples are also moving into prolonged, informal separations where they are apart and acting as if they were divorced but are not formally divorced.

Consensual non-monogamy and polyamory: “What we see now are younger generations surprisingly open to polyamory,” he said.  Only 1% of married couples are actively involved, in it, but 4% have been at some point, according to a 2018 study. “Consensual non-monogamy says you can have the kind of marriage you want, changing the meaning of marriage from a lifelong, monogamous commitment,” he said. “Now when I get down on one knee and ask you to marry me, what does that mean?” Couples will have to negotiate their own definition. “I have some concerns about seeing the younger generation’s acceptance of that trend,” he said. Other tidal waves like the sexual revolution, the divorce revolution, the same-sex marriage revolution affected marriage but still seemed to be able to coexist with traditional marriage in parallel paths, he said. Dr. Hawkins has grave concerns that removing the expectation of monogamy from the definition of marriage might have a more immediate effect in severely damaging marriage as an institution. “One pops the polyamory question and changes the meaning of marriage right now. It feels more immediate than the others (previous changes),” he said.

“Marriage has become a menu and a smorgasbord instead an institution with meaning. It’s lost its ability as an institution to say, ‘This is what marriage means. You do this and not this.’ It’s losing some of its power to shape our behavior and relationships for good.”

Dr. Hawkins wrote in the July 12, 2022, Public Square Magazine,

“Indeed, in the 21st century, monogamy may be no more universal to the legal meaning of marriage than biological sex. Across all these different areas of writing—popular media, academic, and legal—we are being nudged toward increased acceptance and approval of polyamory.”

Further, “Discussing together the option of monogamy that’s on the marital menu is vastly different from accepting an institutional rule that privileges it. If monogamy becomes a (continuously) negotiated agreement between spouses rather than a universally understood axiom of marriage, then monogamy gets harder to ask for and expect, easier to dismiss and devalue, and harder to embrace as a private guide and a public virtue. For everyone.”

Inspiring Attorneys

Dr. Hawkins hopes to encourage legal practitioners – and especially those who are highly respected and influential —to seriously think how they start the divorce process – to screen for divorce ambivalence by asking simple, early-on questions. “If divorce lawyers were doing that as best practice, I think they would reduce the divorce rate by 10%. University of Minnesota’s Dr. Bill Doherty’s research showed that in about 10% of divorces both husband and wife didn’t really want the divorce and wanted to try to repair the marriage. A million children experience divorce every year. For every percentage point we can reduce the divorce rate, 10,000 children would be spared that.”

He admits the idea is difficult to get traction because divorce rates have been dropping for the past 40 years and continue to drop. But he still sees cause for alarm. “Yes, the divorce rate is going down, but hold the applause. A lot of people are choosing not to marry. The marriage rate also is going down. There’s also the selection effect. Marriage is no longer a universal institution: those with highest risk profiles for divorce don’t marry, so those entering into marriage have lower risk profiles. The fact that people don’t see their relationships as worthy of the institution of marriage – that’s a big problem. We’ve seen a slight decrease in the proportion of children being born out of wedlock, but it’s still high. I can realistically imagine scenarios over the next 20 years that make marriage a lifestyle choice for the rich and highly educated and gone as an institution of society,” he said.

When an unhappy person consults a lawyer considering divorce, they may not be sure of the course of action they truly want to take. They teeter on a precipice of a challenging decision that will not only change their lives, but also that of their spouse and children.

Should I Try to Work It Out? A Guidebook for Individuals and Couples at the Crossroads of Divorce was written by leading social science researchers who believe people unhappy in their marriage deserve factual, research-based information about the logistics of divorce and its potential emotional and financial consequences for their family members.

The book was birthed out of curriculum taught by Dr. Alan Hawkins in an education class for divorcing parents required by the state of Utah. Its balanced approach understands that many couples are in a very difficult place. The guidebook serves as a resource for someone considering divorce, or whose spouse is.

To quote a participant: “I truly think that people start the process (of divorce), but they don’t know what the ramifications are, but once they find out what the ramifications are, they are in it so far that they don’t want to go backwards.”

Dr. Hawkins encourages readers to make a “careful consideration of whether divorce is the right thing to do and make that decision based on the best information possible.”

Crossroads of Divorce contains content from hundreds of scientific studies that address issues like happiness/unhappiness in marriage and divorce; possible consequences for children, adults and finances; legal options and what to expect from the process. Lest anyone believe a divorce is going to be a quick fix for their problems, the book warns: “For most people, the legal process of divorce is an emotionally and financially draining process. When children are involved, parents need to try to be their best selves for the benefit of the children, despite the stresses and challenges.”

The guidebook is sprinkled with first-hand anecdotes from individuals and couples, from both couples who chose divorce and those who decided to reconcile.

“The truth of the matter is that a good marriage and a good divorce are similar in that they both require those involved to be kind and considerate to each other. Both take hard work and require each partner to bring his or her best self to the process. When the hard work is done right, the investment pays off.”

Each of its seven chapters unpacks a pertinent topic in simple language, then provides written exercises to help the reader gauge their interest and ability to act in either direction. It also offers extensive referral recommendations, whether for finding marriage resources, relationship education or marriage therapy, an attorney, help parenting or other family/social information.

The legal options section begins with sage advice from domestic attorney and mediator Tamara Fackrell, one of the book’s co-authors. “Do not file for divorce in haste. Explore all options and make a conscientious decision, contemplating the short-term and long-term consequences.”

Key Takeaways:

* Acknowledges the potential for reconciliation and its benefit for many.

* Casts vision that unhappy marriages can and often do return to happiness.

* Describes types of effective counseling and marriage resources, including Discernment Counseling.

* Recommends that most low-conflict couples would benefit from working to improve their marriage – for many reasons, but especially the wellbeing of the children.

* Understands that divorce is usually the best options for those in high conflict marriages, especially those involving abuse. Especially helpful: a definition of relational violence that differentiates between “situational couple violence” and “intimate partner terrorism.”

* Details emotional and financial realities for all parties.

* Explains a variety of legal pathways to divorce, including litigation, mediation and collaborative process.

Dr. Hawkins suggests people are often unsure about the decisions they make, with a “great deal of divorce ambivalence among those filing.” He believes couples at the crossroads will make better decisions if time and information are provided to allow them to think from a more rational state of mind.

“The decision to divorce is probably one of the most difficult they’ll have to make,” he said. “You need to take the time to think through to make sure this is the best decision for you and your family.”

Dr. Alan J. Hawkins, Ph.D., has been a member of the faculty in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University since 1990. He is the former chair of the Utah Marriage Commission. He also serves on the Research Advisory Group for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. He helps teach the required divorce orientation education class for divorcing parents in Utah. He has published dozens of scholarly articles and several books on marriage, divorce, and fathering.

Dr. Tamara A. Fackrell, J.D., Ph.D., is an Attorney Mediator in Utah. She has had a private mediation practice focusing on divorce and domestic mediation since 1997 and a private law practice since 1998focusing on family law. She earned her Ph.D. in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University in 2012. Previously, she graduated cum laude from the BYU Law School. Dr. Fackrell is a Master Mediator and Primary Trainer for the State of Utah and performs certifications in mediation and divorce mediation for professionals.

Dr. Steven M. Harris, Ph.D., LMFT, is a Professor and Director of the Couple and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. He also serves as the Associate Director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project. He has served as both a member and the Chair of the Texas Healthy Marriage Initiative’s Research Advisory Group and is currently an active member of the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative’s Research Advisory Group. He publishes and presents regularly on topics related to the practice of marital therapy and discernment counseling.