When Sinners Say I Do | Reverend Dave Harvey Applies Gospel Grace to Marital Brokenness

The Great Commission – sharing the Gospel worldwide until every tongue and tribe has heard the good news – has been the passion of Rev. Dave Harvey for more than three decades. A graduate of Westminster Theological Seminary, he’s now President of the Great Commission Collective in charge of church planting, church care and international outreach. This position allows him to travel internationally teaching pastors and missionaries. He realized his teaching on marriage “disproportionately resonated” with many audiences and that, along with his own experiences in marriage (now 41 years), sparked his interest in writing about the topic. His first marriage book, When Sinners Say I Do, “seemed to meet a need at the right time and enjoyed a circulation far beyond what I ever dreamed or imagined,” he said. Originally published 2007, it has been translated into Spanish, Portuguese, German, Romanian and Hebrew.

Back in the mid 2000s, When Sinners Say I Do was a forerunner in marriage resources receiving international attention. Dave remembers being surprised at an event in Brazil at the number of people queueing up to speak with him afterward. The translator told him they had been so affected by his writing, that they were eager to meet him in person. “The book appeals to premarital couples and newlyweds”, Dave said, “although counselors find the portions on brokenness helpful for those whose marriage is in crisis.”

“I discovered in my marriage that I needed to stare boldly at the fact that I’m a sinner if I’m going to negtiate problems and challenges,” he said. “Once we understand that sin is the primary category that creates the problems and challenges in marriage, the Gospel shines brighter.” He quoted Puritan pastor Thomas Watson, “Until sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet,” explaining, “When you understand the bitterness of sin and how it works out in marriage, Christ becomes sweeter.”

“When two people come together and have to share bank accounts and bathrooms, it’s an alignment that intentionally surfaces the worst of who we are,” Dave added. “Your spouse knows all your flaws, foibles and fallenness.”

“God’s design in marriage is not to put people together to torment each other. He uses that to conform us to his image. Your spouse hooks all your idols and rides them around the room like a bucking bronco. It provides opportunities to give mercy – to see the other person’s sinfulness and respond in the way God responded to us in our sinfulness.”

“Marriage exposes all your weaknesses,” he added. “Kim and I weren’t expecting that in our own marriage. We were completely oblivious to the reality that we’d see each other’s brokenness and sinfulness. We were unprepared for the fact that God brings people together to show the Gospel to each other and display his glory.”

Chapters in When Sinners Say I Do cover forgiveness, conflict resolution and stubborn grace. The chapter on mercy introduces ministry as a primary goal for marriage. “Couples are not thrown together to deliver ROI or simply to have children,” Dave said. “Part of the very intention of putting two people together is that they might experience the love and grace of God to and from each other. Be merciful even as your Father is merciful.”

He shared an example of a woman who described her husband’s mercy toward her. Early in their marriage she would become emotionally distraught whenever her husband suggested any correction to her behavior. Her response was to have a temper tantrum that included throwing herself on the couples’ bed and sobbing. She told Dave that her husband would follow her up the stairs, pull up a chair and kindly remind her of all the ways he and God loved her before gently discussing the area needing improvement. She finally realized he was seeing the worst of her, but he was not rejecting her like her earthly father had done. Her husband’s actions revealed God to her, treating her immature actions the way God does for all of us, Dave said. “She understood the Gospel better, and her husband’s merciful love and care for his wife transformed her life.”

Another notable chapter, “When Sinners Say Goodbye,” was inspired by the death of Dave’s father. “Marriage is a call to prepare each other for the decay of life in a fallen world and help each other die well,” he said. Dave watched his mother release her husband on his deathbed from this world and to Jesus. “She knew he was trying to hold on so not to leave her,” Dave said. “Her actions were the embodiment of what helping someone end well looks like.”

No matter the resource, his overall writing goal is to help couples discover the Gospel is powerful enough to make a difference in their marriage. “We’re trying to escort people to the foot of the cross and help them understand the significance of the cross and empty tomb. How powerful and transformational it is to how they resolve their next conflict, how they raise their kids, and how they’ll grow old together.”

“Grace conquers your wasted moments and can redeem even the greatest disasters,” he said.

I Still Do

As When Sinners Say I Do grew in popularity, Dave received feedback that there was need for a companion volume that applied to those in mature marriages. He published I STILL DO! Growing Closer and Stronger Through Life’s Defining Moments, along with a study guide and couples’ devotional in 2020. This book is to counter challenges he describes as defining moments that confront couples as they grow older together.

“If you don’t go through them together or resolve them in the right way, they can end up separating you,” he said.

Defining moment number one is when people discover that brokenness is broader than sin — that one’s sinful nature is not the whole picture of marriage.

“You cannot reduce people down to just righteousness or sinfulness,” he said. “The brokenness of the fallen world plays out in different ways.” Chapter two unpacks this concept in great detail, using a diagram depicting a human heart in the center of a series of rings that represent spheres of influence, including the physical frame, family, the social system, demonic pressure, and concluding with the providence of God.

“The human heart is at the core of what we do, but that’s not the whole picture. Everything happens is for God’s good purpose,” Dave said. A sample of this chapter is available at no charge to anyone who requests it on Dave’s website, revdaveharvey.com, where those interested can also find links to podcasts and weekly blog posts called Tenacious Tuesday.

Other defining moments:

The moment of blame

The moment of weakness

When you realize family can’t replace the church

When your spouse suffers

The moment you get mercy

When you discover sex changes with age

When dreams disappoint

When the kids leave

When you learn closure is overrated

He explained the last chapter addresses an incorrect theology common in America that translates into the belief among Christians that “if God really loves me there’s not going to be anything open ended in my life. All relationships, all pain will be resolved.” But that idea does not hold true in real-life experience. Churches have problems, spouses leave, pastors disappoint, friendships disintegrate. What happens when people are disappointed and never get the resolution they crave? Americans tend to think that “the church is just shy of heaven, and we are not supposed to experience the realities of fallenness in the church,” Dave said. “People feel like they need closure to prove that God is faithful. When there’s some open-ended thing, like a prodigal child or a divorce that their theology can’t accommodate, they feel like God has defrauded them or fallen short.”

He found help in words written by the Apostle Paul in 2 Timothy. “These are some of his final words,” Dave said, “and he starts by listing all those who had left him. His relationships were an utter mess, but he wasn’t disillusioned. He wasn’t deconstructing his faith. He says God stood by him. Heaven is the grand resolution to all these things, but we expect that in this world. When we confront the horror and the brokenness of the fallen world and it ends ugly or remains open ended, the reality is we exist in the waiting room between the cross and the new heaven and earth. We may not have closure until the future.”

Another area where lack of closure plays out in marriage is when a spouse remains unchanged. “You got married expecting each of you was going to change in some area of weakness, but after some years of marriage you realize the problem’s entrenching rather than diminishing,” he said. “Also, watching your spouse suffer can be as difficult for the spouse as for the one actually suffering. This chapter gives people a place to leave that and not let the longing for closure drive them apart.”

Lastly, Dave revisits the concept of helping one’s spouse finish well as husband and wife grow old together. The reality of aging bodies changes many things, including the sexual relationship. He encourages couples to confront defining moments together instead of bailing out because of unrealized expectations or unfulfilled dreams.

Marriage champions will find more resources at revdaveharvey.com, including a podcast describing how to counsel in the area of emotional abuse, a concern that’s become more prevalent recently. Dave, who also serves on the board for the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF), provides a voice in that space and helps people learn how to navigate the problem, including giving the abused the permission to separate if necessary.

Dave’s resources apply to those just starting out or heading into their twilight years. His thoughtful and compelling insight into marriage continues to be used as a catalyst to spread the Gospel around the globe.