“If a person is critically wounded, you wouldn’t take them to a doctor’s office. They don’t need a diet and exercise plan, they need emergency attention to stop the bleeding,” Jon said. “Likewise, a once-a-week visit to a counselor is not adequate to be lifesaving to a marriage that is heading toward divorce. In both cases, immediate, specialized treatment is needed to be effective.”

In Love Reboot, Jon helps couples break down barriers and stabilize the relationship so subsequent therapy can begin at a more effective place and growth can start to happen, he said. The goal is transformation — changing hearts so thoughts, attitudes and behaviors start to look different. He outlined concepts in his book, The Acceptance: What Brings and Keeps Lifelong Love. Originally published in 2020, a revised edition was re-released in fall 2024.

Jon begins by describing Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a pyramid he retooled, placing the need for belonging and acceptance on the bottom level. “We can have all the safety and food we could possibly want, but if we don’t feel accepted, or at least have a reasonable amount of hope that we can be accepted, we don’t even care about living,” he wrote. The need for acceptance translates into our relationships and explains who we select as our mate in the first place, he explained. 

Feeling accepted is “at the core of what keeps the relationship growing and thriving for a lifetime. Without acceptance, everything else falls apart: communication, sex, intimacy, connectedness, trust, and so on.”

A key theme: “The more accepting (loving) we are of our mate, the better our marriage is and the more likely we are to have a vibrant relationship that lasts a lifetime.”

He explained how this concept works. “You can’t change your spouse. Your efforts hurt them and frustrate you as you spend time, energy and resources on things you can’t purchase. The only person you can do anything about in a relationship is yourself. There is no “Us,” there is no “We.” I can’t help a “marriage.” I can only help each individual at being better at being a husband or a wife,” he said.

“That’s why most approaches to helping marriages fail in the long run, not because they are lacking in good information but, rather, because the good information tends to get applied to “Us” rather than “Me.” When we attempt to apply it to “Us,” we are actually applying it to the other person, attempting to change them. Remember, attempts to change someone are clear messages of unacceptance. (and are futile)

“There is power to be found when we change ourselves,” he continued in Acceptance. “You see, a relationship, although not a tangible thing, is a system. And, one rule of all systems is that, if one part of the system changes, the whole system changes. In other words, if I get better at being a spouse, my marriage can’t help but get better, regardless of whether my spouse gets better.

“This truth is at the core of why our intensives are so much more effective than traditional methods of helping marriages. Without a grasp of this truth, we are attempting to solve our problems with a mindset that not only leaves us powerless, but also will eventually destroy the foundation of what brought the two together in the first place – the belief that they were each accepted by the other.”

In Acceptance (and in Love Reboot intensives) Jon also addresses commitment, sharing power, finding mutually satisfying solutions, forgiveness, and spending time talking about daily events and feelings in a non-confrontational way to build an atmosphere that will be conducive to vulnerability. A reader will find echoes of Dr. Gary Chapman’s Love Languages and Dr. Willard Harley’s Emotional Needs in some of his recommendations, but Jon clearly states that no spouse is going to meet all of someone’s needs or speak their love language fluently all the time. The most important determination of happiness in marriage is to realize “the source of unhappiness is not your spouse” and change your mindset.

“When we instead choose to be grateful for what we do have and live each day as if it could be taken away from us tomorrow, and when we quit focusing on what we wish was different about our mate and, instead, be thankful for what is good about her or him.” Then spouses can work on feelings of acceptance for the other, which will translate into the intimacy, and love they each are craving, he wrote.

“Choosing to love is choosing to accept, regardless of behavior. This is the love that God extends to you, whether you accept it or not. This is the love that God intends for you to pass on … especially to your spouse.”

Jon recruits churches to host Love Reboot, which reduces expenses. Growing Love Network offers scholarships to ensure funds are not a barrier to any couple who wishes to participate. Roughly half of those who attend Love Reboot benefit from financial assistance, Jon said.

Jon also leads a marriage enrichment course called My Love Lasts where he explains his concept of acceptance to couples over a weekend retreat. Patterned after Love Reboot, it addresses concepts without the depth of an intensive.

When a couple completes a marriage intensive, they are more ready to realize benefit from counseling. Once they are “out of the ditch,” they can see more clearly and be in a much better position to move forward, he said. Jon often recommends a couple continue to go deeper in counseling with him post-Love Reboot to help them gain ground.

“Couples who complete an intensive have a much better chance of success in counseling,” he said. “We start by removing the triangulation. So many people come to a therapist with an agenda trying to fix what’s wrong with their spouse rather than themselves. It’s really tough to break through that and allow therapy to progress.”

He takes them through a process individually to put the focus back on themselves, asking questions like, “What do you need to be doing differently?” “What would that look like?” “When, where and how are you going to do it?”

“Everybody knows something they could be doing differently that would make them a better husband or wife,” he said. “Information and tools alone won’t make the marriage better. You have to move knowledge into action.”

Jon helps people create a plan and holds them accountable to keep at it.

He noted a common concern is that husbands know they need to give their wife more time to talk to them. He’ll help them establish a baseline that’s achievable. For example: Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, sit down with your wife and listen to her talk about her day for 15 minutes.

Likewise, a wife may complain about things that irritate her about her husband. Jon recommends she journal things she likes about him and that she is thankful for. “It will change the way she thinks and feels about him,” Jon said. In both cases, he takes inventory of whether they complete their assignments.  

“These simple follow ups make such a difference,” he said.

Jon’s work has rebuilt families. He describes one empty nest couple who came to a Love Reboot intensive after the husband had an affair. They wanted to make the marriage work and committed to working with Jon for a year afterward. One of the obstacles came from their adult daughter who had disowned her father for his behavior and was actively discouraging her mother from reconciling. Once they did, the daughter cut off relationship with her mother, too.

“I see this a lot with married adult children,” Jon said. “They believe if they let their cheating parent back into their life it sends a signal to their spouse that infidelity is ok.”

Jon spent six more months working with them on the forgiveness process and eventually helped bring their daughter back into relationship with them. “We changed a legacy.”

“I try to prepare people for marriage, support people to develop healthy, vibrant marriages and step in when marriages are falling apart,” Jon said. Jon now divides his time between San Antonio and the DFW area, where his three adult children and grandchildren are located.

He’s also published of a short daily devotional to help couples connect with God and each other in their quiet time. 365 Days of Growing Love: Daily Supplements for Livelong Love was updated in 2023.

You can find or more information about Growing Love Network, Love Reboot, and Jon R. Anderson’s counseling practice at http://www.growinglovenetwork.org/.