EFT – If you’ve been interested in strengthening relationships, you’ve probably seen those letters. You may even realize they stand for Emotionally Focused Therapy. But do you feel confident you understand how the therapeutic modality helps couples break through painful patterns of hurt to experience connection?

EFT began being researched and discussed in the mid-1980s. Pioneer and developer Dr. Sue Johnson noticed principles of attachment theory that pertained to children also applied to adults. The longing for the “one we love the most” to be accessible, responsive and engaged (ARE) continues throughout life, although the person with whom one attaches shifts from parent to partner.

EFT views the central problem in a distressed relationship as the loss of a secure emotional connection, with a subsequent pattern of negative interactions reflecting and perpetuating this loss. EFT takes couples through a process to help them create a new emotional experience of secure connection.

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Kenny Sanderfer had been working with couples but “wasn’t sure how much he was helping.” He read Sue’s 1986 article, “Bonds Or Bargains: Relationship Paradigms and their Significance for Marital Therapy,” which “flipped me upside down,” or “maybe right-side up,” he said. “Before Sue’s article everything was very much about bargains. Therapists were trained to work around emotion. We saw it as the enemy in the room.” Therapy focused on knowledge, insight about problems from the past, and behavioral change. Sue’s research looked at how assembling affect could help a couple connect, the process that became EFT.

“A bond is the end result of couples turning to each other from places of vulnerability and experiencing each other in a new way. We call these bonding moments,” he said.

Attachment science research discovered the way parents and babies communicate in the first pre-verbal years impacts the child’s development. This is the time when the brain is connecting purely with emotion, as the cognitive, speaking side of the brain has yet to develop. Whether or not a parent was accessible, responsive and engaged creates a blueprint for how a person will function in relationships going forward.

 

The beautiful thing is that the ink doesn’t dry on the blueprints, Kenny said. “Relational wounds are healed in relationships. We can have other conversations in life to help people develop a safe emotional bond.” He suggests this might be one reason a loving God chooses to partner with humans so that “when someone has felt left and forsaken, we can be there for them and change their blueprint.”

As applied to couples, the goal of EFT therapy is for each spouse to feel emotionally safe enough to access the feeling under the negative patterns of relating in which they’ve become stuck. For example, spouses who are fighting might realize that beneath the anger is a feeling of deep sadness. “Why do I get angry and come at you?” Kenny asked. “Because I lost this special place with you that I once had.” Those trained in EFT therapy help couples have new conversations that lead to secure connection and a new interactional pattern.

After reading “Bonds Or Bargains,” Kenny was so enamored by EFT and Sue’s work (she has been lauded by Dr. John Gottman as the number one researcher and marital therapist) he signed up for all the available trainings. Ultimately, he was invited by Sue to enter into the lengthy process of becoming an EFT trainer.

Sue became a mentor to Kenny over time. They partnered in a project together to write the book, Created for Connection: the “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples together in 2016.

 

When Sue passed away in 2024 Kenny had the honor of performing her eulogy on Vancouver Island. He calls the two an unlikely pair – a psychologist from Britain and a cowboy from East Texas – “How in the world did God put us together! We had an incredible relationship,” he said. “She was a dear friend. She had a deep impact on my life.”

Kenny’s 24-year career as a therapist has taken him a long way from humble beginnings as a Texas bronco-rider. Kenny graduated from Sam Houston State University with a degree in agriculture in 1974. Raising cattle, sheep and horses are still a big part of his life on his farm in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Kenny provides two-day intensives on his farm and integrates EFT with equine therapy.

 

Sue Johnson wrote the book, Hold Me Tight, in 2008, where it climbed the charts and made the New York Times best seller list. It was this book that Kenny and Sue revised for the faith-based audience that then became Created for Connection. The book offers “scriptural support, inspiring stories, and a clear road map that will show you how you can join together and actively shape the love you are looking for – the love that leads you home to a loving God.”

“The message of CREATED FOR CONNECTION is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, or making grand romantic gestures. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent, and we are on the Heavenly Father, for nurturing, soothing, and protection. The way to enhance or save our relationships with each other and with God is to be open, attuned, responsive, and to reestablish safe emotional connection. Filled with Bible verses, inspiring real-life stories, and guidance, CREATED FOR CONNECTION will ensure a lifetime of love,” as described on the website.

 

The material can be used for marital enrichment or crisis intervention; couples can go through lessons alone or in groups with a facilitator. The facilitator guide can be found in digital form at www.marriagefamilyinstitute.org.

Kenny and Sue also created a Created for Connection online program. Couples can walk through a seven-session video series with additional research, faith-filled vignettes and updated graphics. “It’s like the book on steroids.” The U.S. Army is using it exclusively. It works well with deployed personnel and several adoption agencies also are using it to strengthen the marriages of adopting parents.

The Created for Connection book and programs guide couples through the seven conversations that research has shown to heal, restore or enhance marriages.

Conversations:

1. Recognizing the demon dialogues – identify the negative pattern of interaction

2. Finding the raw spots – identify the underlying emotions

3. Revisiting a rocky moment

4. Hold me tight – engaging and connecting

5. Forgiving injuries

6. Bonding through sex and touch

7. Keeping your love alive

Bonus Chapter: Our bond with God

The seven bonding conversations above are found in the marital enrichment programs and should not be confused with EFT couple therapy led by a trained clinician.

EFT couple therapy is the only model that meets the APA gold standard. The research demonstrates that 70% of couples come out fixed; 90% highly improved. This study is different from the Created for Connection research. Separate research was conducted with C4C groups and martial enrichment weekends, with the University of Arkansas running point on the marital weekend retreats. All the studies showed positive results.

 

“We have found that offering C4C groups for special issues such as miscarriage, caring for a child with autism or when one partner struggles with Parkinson’s, heart attack, cancer, or autism can benefit couples greatly and enhance their experience,” he added.

Kenny has partnered with the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and developed a 10-video series on how to facilitate the Created for Connection resources and programs. This program is designed to train marital mentors, pastors or Christian coaches how to be first responders for couples. The online course teaches helpers how to use the Created for Connection book and online program to lead people through the seven bonding conversations. They’ll learn how to sit with someone, how to ask questions, how to facilitate and mentor, Kenny said. Find information at https://iccicoaching.com/.

Kenny remembers Sue’s quirky phrase, “No Risky, No Getty” as profound. “If we don’t risk and are not vulnerable, we are never going to get the things we long for. EFT provides language to help a couple risk expressing their feelings. The statement, “I know you are really upset with me. I feel like I’m a failure in your eyes and this really hurts,” is different than shutting down and walking away, a typical strategy employed by withdrawers.

And for a pursuer to be able to share, “I get so scared when I can’t find you, and I feel like you won’t let me in. When I’m knocking on the door, it’s my intention that my words be an invitation, but I now know it comes across like an accusation.” “When someone can use those words and break the negative pattern, they have just created a new neural pathway, and that’s another step toward connection,” Kenny said.

Bottom line: Bonding science and scripture are singing the same hymn!