Every Hallmark movie tells the same story. After an initial obstacle, Prince Charming sweeps the heroine off her feet, their happily-ever-after implied. When real life doesn’t live up to the Hollywood hype, people are ripe for heartache. Unaware of their unreasonable expectations and lacking relationship skills, one option when the bubble bursts is divorce, a circumstance licensed clinical psychologist and professor of psychology Andrea Gurney, Ph.D., noticed with startling regularity among even the younger 30-somethings in her practice. Dr. Gurney works to reverse that trend, teaching her students at Westmont College in Santa Barbara, California, skills to show up in a more healthy way in their relationships and exposing cultural myths that might lead them astray.

Who you marry and how you relate to your spouse will positively or negatively affect every aspect of your life. A good marriage is the number one predictor of happiness, according to the 2022 General Social Survey. “Yet, we receive little or no formal training on how to navigate intimate relationships,” Andrea said. She sought to change that and began teaching Marriage 101 at Westmont in 2020.

“I tell the students to save their notes,” Andrea said, “As it most likely will save them money on therapy later!” In addition to teaching, the psychologist and author helps individuals, couples and families learn how to communicate, problem solve and love more effectively. Her experience encompasses therapy, developmental assessments of children and adolescents, and neuropsychological evaluations. She earned a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology at Northeastern University in Boston, an M.S. in Psychological Services at the University of Pennsylvania, and a B.A. in Psychology at Wheaton College. Andrea completed a Post-Doctoral Fellowship in Couples and Family Therapy and a Pre-Doctoral Internship in Individual Therapy at Harvard Medical School, after which she spent eight years working at Harvard affiliated Boston Children’s Hospital.

As most people aren’t eligible to enroll in her college course, Andrea wrote Reimagining Your Love Story: Biblical and Psychological Practices for Healthy Relationships — making her findings accessible beyond the college classroom.

Attachment Theory & How We Love

In the book, Reimagining Your Love Story, Andrea takes a deep dive into attachment theory, an area she’s studied for decades. She explains how “childhood attachment styles impact our adult relationships and, without awareness and intervention, insecurities from our early years can remain with us as adults.” Reimagining Your Love Story starts with the question, “What’s your once upon a time?” as Andrea emphasizes the importance of knowing your story, starting with one’s family of origin and attachment style. She examines both classic and emerging research and shares parallels between scientific findings and the truth found in the word of God.

“Cutting-edge research in relationship science reveals that the first and foremost instinct of all humans is to seek and maintain contact and to establish comforting connections,” she wrote.

“Scientific studies affirm the truth of God’s promise: we are made for deep relationship.”

In the second section, Deconstructing the Myths of Love, Andrea exposes cultural fallacies about love and marriage that actively work against marital happiness — and even its formation. “Hollywood is cheating us about what love and relationship really are,” she said. The fairytale idea comes crashing down, and often, we’re not prepared for it.

“We are designed to be in relationships. Imago Dei: we are created in the image of God. And at His core, our God is relational … We are born wired as relational beings, dependent on one another for survival yet ill-equipped to establish and maintain healthy and lasting intimate relationships,” she wrote. “Instead, we pursue ‘the fairy tale.’ We want so badly to believe there is one perfect person out there, and once we find each other, our problems will disappear, we will be ‘complete.’”

The third section, Working Towards Happily Ever After, equips the reader with skills “to communicate honestly, fight fairly, make time for play, and remain curious.” Each section concludes with a “So What” summary and “Now What” action steps.

The first chapter of Reimagining Your Love Story can be previewed at no cost through her website, https://andreagurney.com/.

Andrea’s interest in therapy began in adolescence, when she participated in family sessions as a teen. Raised by a single mother she describes as “ahead of her time,” Andrea was exposed early to the power of relational work. Her first college psychology course confirmed this passion, captivating her with the connection between brain, body and behavior – and how our developmental histories resurface years later in intimate adult relationships. Although she initially planned to work with children and adolescents, Andrea quickly recognized that effective care required addressing the family system itself. As she often notes, “Anyone working with kids should see that we are not sending them back into family life without doing intensive family therapy.” This insight led her to complete a fellowship in couples and family therapy and deepen her focus on the marital dynamic and how that impacts the family system. Eventually, Andrea moved to the West Coast to teach at Westmont and open a private practice, where her work with youth consistently revealed how family and couple dynamics shape a young person’s clinical presentation.

In addition to attachment theory, Andrea has been influenced by the work of the Gottmanns and Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She recently completed an advanced clinical training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. (EFCT). She is a champion for relationships.

Awareness; The First Step Towards Change

“I’m such a believer in psychoeducation,” she said. “Awareness is the first step toward change. If we are not aware of our story, we will continue to repeat the cycle of our ‘first love classroom.’ And we know that our developmental history affects our dating and love story.” She shares that she did not have a healthy model of marriage and wonders if she’d be married today if she didn’t have to “practice what I preach.” “It’s by the grace of God and the practical skills I’ve learned as a clinician (that have made the difference),” she said.

In addition to her private practice, research and teaching, Andrea speaks at many local and national organizations, including the national ECO Presbyterian conference. She leads a workshop at ECO’s annual gathering and offers confidential counseling to pastors and leaders who attend. She noted that faith is so easily integrated into the best practices of psychology. Forgiveness, sacrifice, deep friendship, looking at the plank in one’s own eye, the idea of gratitude and naming the good — scientists come up with studies, but what research reveals supports wisdom from the Bible.

She referenced a cutting-edge study in neuroscience presented at the American Psychological Association that “discovered” a person’s first and foremost instinct is to seek comforting connections, which dovetails with the biblical truth that we are created in love, by love and for love. “God is love… and He is with us always – even to the end of the age!”

Andrea also described how a person’s attachment style affects their relationship with God. “Understanding your ‘first love classroom’ gives one insight into how they communicate, fight and even how they relate to and view God.”

Marriage Bootcamp

In addition to the ECO conference, Andrea also speaks to groups and organizations. In 2020, churches were looking for online date ideas and quarantine survival skills, so she began hosting a weekly free Zoom night for couples highlighting her work on topics like connection, communication, attachment and resilience. One night grew to two to serve people on the East and West Coast – until she could no longer meet the demand. “I loved what I was doing, but I couldn’t keep up!” she said. Positive feedback inspired her to organize content into an online Marriage Bootcamp course designed to help couples, “refocus, refresh, and strengthen their marriages.”  

“Marriage Bootcamp is grounded in what actually works in relationships and will give couples new insights that can significantly improve their marriage.” The nine hours of video content are divided into six 90-minute sessions and include a printable workbook. Marriage Bootcamp is applicable to engaged couples as well.

Content includes:

• The ways in which your past impacts how you “show up” for love

• Why increasing your relational self-awareness is key to loving well

• How your sexual schema and story impact your marriage

• Ways in which your upbringing affects your mindset when it comes to money

• How to embrace the “both/and” in loving your partner.

She noticed embracing the “both/and” dialectic is key. “There is more than one perspective to a story. My husband both loves me deeply and hurts me. I am both rational and emotional,” she explained. “There is some truth in every person’s story.”

Working with couples in her practice Andrea noticed, “In conflict, we all create our own narrative. It is so easy to point fingers and place blame. If both spouses are present, the story can be more nuanced and real.” Many people tell linear conflict stories, but in reality, conflict stories are circular.

“Around and around we go on this dance of disconnection. I can interrupt and show them something different. We can do the work better and change can happen more quickly. We must put ‘We before Me,’ thinking about the good of the relationship rather than the good for me,” she added. “We live in a culture that says, ‘What’s in it for me?’ We have a consumer perspective of a covenantal relationship. If it is not working for me, I’ll cut my losses and move on. Quid pro Quo. It’s dangerous to take that into relationships.”

The Message we’ve heard from the beginning

“What’s the biblical message? Sacrifice and serve each other. Love is not a feeling; it’s a choice and a commitment. We should stand in love – not fall in (and out) love.” This is the message we’ve heard from the beginning, after all: that we are to love one another (1 John 3:11).

Marital trends run in families, she added. The brain stores memories of emotional pain. But you are not doomed by a destructive history. Do the work to become aware of what you learned in your “first love classroom.” Understand who you are and how you are showing up in love, Andrea said. “Awareness facilitates choice. Choice facilitates change. You can be a change agent in your family’s legacy.”

More than anything, Andrea encourages her students, clients and readers to “remember that God loves you; He chose you (John 15:16). God knows you; He calls you by name (Isa. 43:1). God is with you; you are safe in Christ (Josh. 1:9).”