MarriageTeam Pairs Couples with Coaches to Learn, Practice Relationship Skills

You read the book or attended the marriage conference and came away determined to do things differently, to make your marriage better. But somehow, back in your everyday life, your enthusiasm fizzled, and you slipped back into the same old habits.

Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to make any lasting change in your relationship? Are you doomed forever to keep spinning your wheels?

These are the same frustrations experienced by Autumn and Alan Ray, founders of MarriageTeam, a non-profit organization that offers marriage coaching services to churches and the community with Christian coach couples it has trained. Throughout the first decades of their marriage, they sought to communicate better, grow closer, and see God work in their marriage. They “went to everything that had the word, marriage, in it,” Autumn confessed, as they raised their family and followed Alan’s Air Force career around the country.

But no matter what they did, they found their “marriage wasn’t that great. Those things didn’t seem to transform us from the people we were to the people God wanted us to be,” she added. “It was a puzzle for us.”

They finally realized the missing piece was the practice of good skills. They found they’d accumulated a lot of knowledge, but they didn’t practice it.

Alan likens the disconnect to the problem of well-meaning advice. “People can tell you what to do, but you don’t know how to transform what they say into behavior change – nobody tells you how to actually implement the suggestion.”

While leading a marriage ministry in their church, they stumbled upon a conference that described how to implement a program, right up Autumn’s alley, as she’d spent her career using her social work degree to manage groups of volunteers, whether for the Ronald McDonald House or with a county Department of Community Justice. Alan’s 27-years in the Air Force (retiring as a Colonel) afforded him plenty of experience managing people, as well.

The Rays knew how to set up a program, and they had a supportive group to come alongside them, but what would they teach? How could they really impact the lives of the couples they were trying to help?

They had been trained as marriage enrichment leaders, Alan has a master’s degree in counseling, and they had gleaned a wealth of information from their years of study. They gathered from the best of their experiences to create content that eventually became the MarriageTeam curriculum. “When we started out, we tried some things and captured the ones that worked,” Alan said. “The Lord prepared us over the years,” Autumn said. “We weren’t that smart, but we were faithful.” The first printed curriculum came together in 2007 with an update in 2013.

To begin, they sat down and took a hard look at why knowledge alone seemed to have had such little transformational power in their lives. They realized they needed someone to practice with.

Just like learning a sport, you need a coach to help you learn new skills the correct way. The crucial element of MarriageTeam is that it pairs each couple with a volunteer coach couple. They’ll commit to nine-12, two-on-two coaching sessions to work through a proven workbook to acquire the skills to transform their relationship.

As they were developing their material, Autumn asked God how they could make MarriageTeam appealing, especially to men. She felt Him suggest the analogy of marriage as a team. A husband and wife come from different families (teams), where they learn a “playbook” of expectations, how to communicate, and how to handle conflict. When you get married, you create a new team, but you bring your old playbook, Alan explained, which doesn’t work for the new team. The analogy rings true as people remember their own experiences playing sports and needing to learn new rules. They apply the idea to their marriage team to create a new playbook together. MarriageTeam coaches help couples create new plays (i.e. make agreements) on how they are going to do things differently.

“The experience is very different than sitting in a classroom and just listening to someone tell you how you should deal with something,” Alan said. “It is very specific to the couple.”

Coaches will notice patterns or behavior the couple may be oblivious to but are not serving them well. They help the couple develop “dynamic plays” or new agreements to address these issues, so they can work together more effectively as a team. The coaches help teammates develop agreements on what they need to hear to get back on track when they fall into an old pattern that isn’t working.

“Coaches never give advice,” Alan stressed. “Instead, they ask powerful questions to help a couple think through and take responsibility for their own ways to resolve their problems.” 

For instance, the concept of active listening is not new. Coaches help the couple practice active listening together. “It’s only when you are able to implement the skills that you will get the change,” Autumn said.

This process is beautifully illustrated in the Ray’s book, Rick and Jane learn to Listen and Talk, the first in the Learn to Be Married series. This book uses stick figures and a simple early reader concept to demonstrate how a marriage coach teaches a couple communication skills using MarriageTeam practices. Don’t be misled by the elementary format. This slim volume packs a punch. The concept of actively listening, working together as a team to learn skills, changing communication, and getting a win is clearly and literally illustrated. Any couple reading just this book could change their thinking about what a team win looks like in their marriage, begin to create a playbook to communicate more effectively, and be ready for more.

Another attractive feature of the coaching couple concept is that it leaves blame at the door. “Coaches don’t take a side,” Autumn said. “They are always on the side of the relationship. The idea is couples helping couples — a marriage helping a marriage. These are Christian couples whom God calls out because they have a passion and love for God’s people.”

Based on what the Rays know, this non-profit organization is the “only program like it in U.S.” that trains Christian couples at no charge, performs an initial assessment for proper placement, manages matching couples and coaches and supports the coaches through the time they are coaching another couple. Coaches participate in 24 hours of on-line training spread across two weekends where they learn the process, coaching skills, and coach each other from the very first day to apply what they’ve learned while it is still fresh, Alan said.

Training includes:

• Ten relationship skills (active listening, speaking effectively, making agreements, managing anger, forgiving, resolving conflict, solving problems, appreciating difference, cultivating intimacy, achieving goals).

• Six coaching skills.

• A proven coaching process.

• How to interpret and facilitate discussion of the PREPARE/ENRICH relationship inventory.

• How to facilitate coaching sessions for premarital and married couples.

• Five coaching sessions on real couple issues.

MarriageTeam supports its coaches with a monthly webinar for continuing education as well as regular check-ins while they are coaching. Alan and the MarriageTeam staff are available to personally support its coaches with any concern. The coaching manual was designed to help the coaches easily lead couples through the practical exercises to help them learn and apply the lessons and skills. MarriageTeam provides all the curricula, all the training and processes, and all the materials needed for a coaching engagement.

MarriageTeam has helped more than 2000 couples transform their relationships, whether the 25% who seek their pre-marriage coaching or the 75% who turn to MarriageTeam for a radical restoration. MarriageTeam evaluates every couple who participates in two ways prior to matching them with a coach couple. They use an intake form to identify if someone is a candidate for coaching, and then, once established, provide a fun and informative ENRICH marital inventory created by PREPARE/ENRICH. This inventory offers couples a snapshot of their relationship the coaches use to help them as they coach.

MarriageTeam keeps meticulous records. Out of the married couples who seek help from MarriageTeam, 90% of them begin with a score in the lowest two categories on the ENRICH assessment, according to Autumn. That translates as, “They disagree on most aspects of their relationship! We specialize in those couples who are doing the worst,” she said. “30% have talked about divorce, are separated or are thinking of it. When they complete coaching, 89% have decided to stay together. They have learned the skills and gotten what they need to have a more productive marriage.”

“We can say that, because we know that, because we track that,” Autumn emphasized.

Since MarriageTeam was “birthed in church and prayer in 2006, the confidential 2-on-2 program has proven nearly 90% effective even for couples considering divorce,” according to their website. www.marriageteam.org, where “couples rave about marriages renewed, restored, and even resurrected.”

MarriageTeam and the Ray’s work has been lauded by thought leader Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages and is endorsed by Family Life as an approved ministry to which they refer churches.

“Early on we had some pushback from people who believed we are not qualified to help somebody on the verge of divorce,” Alan said. “We took it to the Lord,” Autumn added, “because we believe it is from Him. He has done such remarkable work. It’s not Alan and Autumn. We’ve seen the Lord bring dead marriages back to life. We are only there to do what the Holy Spirit has called us to do, while He does the work.”

The Rays incorporated MarriageTeam as a non-profit organization specifically to appeal to those who might be reluctant to connect through a religious entity. “We reach people who won’t step into a church but will call an organization like MarriageTeam,” Autumn said.

“Even non-Christians can feel and experience the Holy Spirit for the first time in their lives,” she enthused. “When people say, ‘We can‘t do it,’ they are absolutely right. But the Holy Spirit can. Not a week goes by without a testimonial that says, ‘MarriageTeam saved our marriage.’”

One testimonial from dozens: 

“Our coaches were supportive, entertaining and knew what to say, or not say at just the right time. It was a very positive experience and really was the turning point in our marriage. Before coaching, we were at a breaking point, unhappy and didn’t know where to turn. Now we have less anger and we are communicating in a positive way.”  — Eileen, Vancouver, WA. 

There are some couples for whom coaching is not the right solution. The first step of connection to MarriageTeam’s process is for both spouses to complete an intake form to screen for problems coaching won’t solve. If the answers reveal abuse, addictions, ongoing affairs, or untreated mental problems like depression, the Rays will gently refer to trusted resource partners.

“Anything that gets in the way of someone making and keeping agreements renders them uncoachable. Maybe some individual counseling or treatment is appropriate. They must take action to address the underlying cause first,” Autumn said. MarriageTeam follows up and noted most of those they referred to another resource took the next step to connect with recommended assistance.

“Once they called us, they were ready to get help,” Autumn said. She considers it a win that, “the MarriageTeam person they talked to on the telephone gave such a caring, loving vibe they were motivated to follow through.”

Marriage coaches can meet matched couples in their homes privately, but several years ago, coaching sessions also went online, so they are now accessible worldwide. MarriageTeam works with an overseas missionary group called Josiah Venture to equip some of their couples as coaches so marital concerns don’t create problems for their missionary couples.

Online coaching is convenient, affordable and private. MarriageTeam’s confidential coaching process appeals to anyone who might not want to share their personal marital details with a congregation or workplace, as in the case of a pastor or member of the military. It’s even had great application as a way to support churches in their mission to strengthen and save marriages.

Radically Restore Marriages in your Church

The Rays wrote Radically Restore Marriages in your Church to familiarize pastors with the ways MarriageTeam can be a resource for them.

“People often call churches for marital help, but the church doesn’t have a place to send them. We want to tell everybody — that’s why we are here, send them our way,” Alan said.

“We provide a service that augments what they are doing. They don’t have to hire a staff or worry about developing a program,” Alan said. “A pastor can refer a couple to existing coaches or connect those interested in learning how to coach with our free training. MarriageTeam assists and manages everything for them.”

Another unique benefit, MarriageTeam coaching guidelines ask couples who are being coached to select and attend a church of their choice. So, if a couple does not have a church, it gives their coaches a wonderful opportunity to invite them to their church,” Autumn said. “It’s a great partnership all the way around.”

Radically Restore Marriages in Your Church puts it this way:

“What if there was a way to help couples work together to resolve their differences and really understand each other’s wants and needs?

What if there was a way to help over 85% of those couples who are seriously moving toward divorce to reverse course and create a rewarding marriage?

What if all this could be accomplished taking virtually none of your time or your staff’s time?”

It then goes on to outline a simple plan that will:

• “Provide high quality MarriageTeam coach training for selected lay couples in your congregation.

• Provide an effective referral resource for you and your staff.

• Prepare engaged couples for marriage by developing improved relationship skills.

• Strengthen, save and restore struggling marriages.

• Yield the benefits of strong, healthy marriages and families in your church and community.”

“It is like having an ‘in-house’ resource with none of the associated costs of management time and stress. Your congregation members provide the ministry and receive the blessing of seeing lives changed; your church reaps the rewards of a reputation where marriages are saved, lives are transformed and God gets the glory.”  — from Radically Restore Marriages in your Church

Testimonial about MarriageTeam from Gary Chapman – as printed in Radically Restore Marriages in your Church:

“A few years ago, I met the founders of a ministry called MarriageTeam that trains lay couples to be marriage coaches. MarriageTeam will take couples in your church, and every church has at least one couple who has a passion for marriage, and it will train them so that they come back and you have someone that you can refer couples to who are struggling. I want to challenge you to check it out. I think you will find this to be a great partner for you and your ministry.” 

The Rays’ vision for MarriageTeam is to be a catalyst to equip people across the country and world to have healthy marriages, which form the foundation for healthy churches and communities.

“There’s a real practical application,” Alan added.  “It’s a strong Christian witness that leaves a legacy for the children.”

Ready to find out more? Begin the confidential, private intake process for yourself, learn how to be trained as a coaching couple or raise up coaching couples in your congregation to radically restore the marriages in your church.