Keeping Your Marriage Strong When Tragedy Strikes | Speaker and Author, Carol Kent, Inspires Others Through Her Experiences

Carol Kent was born to communicate. Not only is she a speaker and author herself, Carol is the founder and director of the Speak Up Conference, a ministry that equips speakers and writers to share their stories effectively. She’s also president of Speak Up Ministries, an organization that offers MasterMind and intensive coaching on-line groups for writers, speakers, and leaders. With her husband, Gene, Carol started the nonprofit organization, Speak Up for Hope, which benefits inmates and their families. Although she’s published at least 27 books, Bible studies, and devotionals, Carol considers herself a speaker who writes rather than a writer who speaks.

Early in her career Carol taught English, speech and drama after earning a bachelor’s degree in speech education and a master’s degree in communication arts. Her deep love for the Word of God motivated her to become director of women’s ministries under Dr. David Jeremiah, leading Bible studies for hundreds of women and speaking at women’s retreats and conferences while raising the Kents’ then preschool-age son, Jason. When Gene’s job moved the family to Port Huron, Michigan, Carol became the teaching leader of the first Bible Study Fellowship class to span the United States and Canadian border. More than 40% of the 350+ women came through customs every week to attend the class, she said.

She believes her work resonates with so many because “women want to go deeply into God’s Word and find out how to live in the middle of relationship struggles, difficult choices, and hidden fears. Women are longing for authenticity and practical strategies for living out their faith,” she added.

Carol began helping people learn how to share their stories more effectively and presented a speaker training course for the first time outside the town where she lived at a large church hosting a denominational conference. She addressed the pastors’ wives, and by the time she left, she had been invited to speak at seven more conferences in seven different states.

“Ministry grows best when people tell people about what you are doing,” she said. In 1983 Carol invited 12 people to a speaking training in her living room thinking, “This will be the first and last time I will ever equip speakers,” she said. Her speaker training has expanded to become a speakers’ conference held annually in Grand Rapids, Michigan. In 2012 the Kents added a writing track to the conference for participants who were interested in learning how to write for publication. The location was chosen because of its proximity to the many Christian publishing houses, literary agents and editors located in the area. Taking the conference virtual during 2020 and 2021 only expanded its reach to include attendees from 46 states and 12 foreign countries.

Carol’s communication career was going so well Gene retired from his position to manage her events. It was during the middle of this season of success that the unthinkable happened. They were awakened in the middle of the night with news that their son was arrested for killing his wife’s first husband, an event that led to a life sentence. Carol describes their journey in her books, When I Lay My Isaac Down and A New Kind of Normal.

“One of our most often asked questions is, ‘Did you quit doing ministry when your son was arrested?’” she said. “Our answer was, ‘We did not stop.’ We had financial needs.” Carol’s career provided their source of income.

“God’s truth is still true. I learned that God can use me in my brokenness even more than in my strength,” she said.

Serving in brokenness allows God to utilize the strength of our weakness. “I didn’t think people would understand when we were honest and truthful that our son made the most horrible choice a person can make. But instead, let me tell you, it opens them to share their stories.”

As Carol and Gene continue to visit their son in prison, God opens their eyes to see the needs of others. Carol spoke about an encounter she had with a woman in the prison ladies’ room on Christmas day – not a place anyone would wish to be. The woman came in sobbing and cussing. In the past, Carol said, she would have “quoted her my five best Bible verses, prayed for her and told her she’d be fine. The broken Carol said, ‘I’m so sorry about what happened to your family. My boy is here, too.’ That day I didn’t quote Bible verses or pray aloud for her, but God opened doors later to share my faith with her. For the most part, people who are hurting need someone to cry with them and listen to them before they are ready to hear about Jesus.”

After their son’s arrest, a woman from her Bible Study Fellowship class told her, “I used to think you were perfect, but now I think we could be friends.”

“People can look so put together, but if we can be honest, open and vulnerable, it can become the strongest opportunity to minister to each other,” Carol said.

Keeping Tragedy from Tearing You Apart

During this time, the Kents began to understand some marriage principles they believed would help others going through situations they didn’t expect. “What happens when you have a pretty good marriage, but something from the outside comes in and totally rocks your world?” Carol asked. It might be the arrest of a child or one who gets hooked on drugs – their addiction becomes the thing that tears you apart. Maybe someone has an accident and will physically never be the same. Or there’s a dreadful financial situation. Perhaps a parent moves in with you, and you are consumed with caregiving. Suddenly you go from having had a good marriage to things being full of tension. Your happy, comfortable marriage now has a “giant-sized hole,” she said.

The Kents were discussing this phenomenon with another couple involved in Christian publishing, Dave and Cindy Lambert, who were also walking through a difficult situation. The four of them realized their experiences are just some of a dozen examples where outside forces could significantly negatively impact a marriage. Carol (in conjunction with Gene and the Lamberts) published her latest book, Staying Power: Building a Stronger Marriage When Life Sends its Worst, which offers principles couples can use to safeguard their marriage when tragedy strikes.

Staying Power won the 2021 Christian Living Book of the Year award. The title is based on an image of God being the third cord that binds a husband and wife together. (Prov. 14:26). “We can confidently celebrate we have staying power because of Jesus,” she said.

First and foremost, the Kents believe a couple needs to decide they are in the crisis together. People react to things differently, she added. One spouse often is more emotionally demonstrative than the other, causing one to think the lack of visible emotion means their spouse doesn’t care. Couples who do the best are very intentional about declaring they will carry the load together and figure out how to make things work with Jesus. “They need to decide every day they will face the challenge and keep their marriage strong in the process,” she said.

Another principle: Make the next right choice. Don’t explore every opportunity and become overwhelmed with options. Prayerfully ask God to reveal the next right choice. “The Holy Spirit is a faithful teacher and guide. We ask him to give us a sense of his presence and peace when the next decision is the right next move and uneasiness if it is not,” she said.

Next, deal positively with anger. Carol noticed after their son’s arrest she and Gene would experience “silly little flare ups” they realized were not the real issue, “We were both on our last thread of our last nerve. We needed to recognize that a little bit of anger could actually draw us closer when we realized where it was coming from” and pull together rather than against each other.

Which leads to practicing automatic forgiveness and choosing to believe the other spouse’s love, care and good intentions. “If Gene does something that seems irritating, I am going to automatically forgive him,” she said. She reminds people to carefully consider their words and use the right words at the right time. Remember, too, to tame the tongue. Some words can never be unsaid.

In addition to knowing correct words, Carol stressed knowing your spouse’s love language. “Gene started a practice that was so wonderful,” she said. “He knew how sorrowful my heart was and how I had to compartmentalize what we were going through to be able to speak. Gene would make coffee and bring a cup to me while I was still in bed. He’d say, ‘Honey, I love you so much. I know today might be hard.’ His words affirming me when we were going through such a giant mess were really precious.”

Say yes to guilt-free time outs. It may feel hard to give yourself permission to put aside grief in the midst of an unexpected disaster. There are certain days when one spouse feels the weight of what you are going through more heavily than the other. Give yourself permission to take time to enjoy yourself and nurture your marriage. Staying Power includes study questions and exercises to help individuals or grace groups apply its wisdom. There are also Crisis Helpsheets in the back of the book that provide immediate resources for couples who are in crisis in 13 specific areas.

The Kents and the Lamberts advise any couple to decide to start good habits before trouble strikes. One suggestion: Perseverance through failure. Everybody makes some decisions that feel like failure, she said. How do they keep going and not give up? Another – request and honor advice from your spouse. Their number one piece of marriage-building advice. Continue to serve while suffering. “When you serve in the middle of your own suffering, it lifts your spirits. God multiplies your joy when you help somebody else,” Carol said.

The Kents created non-profit Speakupforhope.org, which helps meet needs of those on the inside. The state-run prisons in Florida don’t have air conditioning, so Speak Up for Hope provides fans. Inmates want greeting cards to send to their mothers and children. Some ask for Bible study material. The non-profit also has created boxes of hope for wives and mothers that include small items of encouragement — a tiny stuffed animal, a candle, a coffee mug. Each box provides an opportunity to connect and offer Christ’s love.

Carol is inspired by a favorite quote from Olympian and missionary Eric Liddell, “Circumstances may appear to wreck our lives and God’s plans, but God is not helpless among the ruins.”