A scene in the 2003 film Love Actually captures people greeting loved ones at the airport. The camera records the joyous expression on the face of person after person when their friend or family member comes into view.

It’s not a selfie perfect smile for the camera. It’s the kind of smile that reaches the eyes and lights up the face.

That’s the expression of joy that our brains are hardwired to seek. It’s the glue that holds relationships together.

Jen and Chris Coursey, leaders and designers of the Thrive Training Programs, define joy as “relational glad-to-be-togetherness.” “When a couple is on their honeymoon, they are experiencing a profound sense of glad-to-be-togetherness – there’s a genuine delight that comes across,” Chris said. That joyous feeling can – and for relational wellbeing – must – be recaptured and recreated, often. “Joy grows best when you feel like you are the sparkle in someone’s eyes,” he added. The Courseys’ resources, like their Thrive Training courses, podcasts and books, The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages and The Joy Switch, show people how.

Two decades ago, Chris was working as a pastoral counselor specializing in trauma, helping couples, families and children as they processed hard things. He came across Dr. Jim Wilder’s Life Model Theory and book, Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, which explained how God designed the brain. A lightbulb went off! Chris also gleaned from Dr. Alan Shore’s brain research that theorizes “joy is the best fuel for the brain.”

As an ordained pastor, Chris felt led to confirm this new information with God’s Word and found theory aligned with scripture. “We are the sparkle in God’s eyes,” he said. “When we go to be with Jesus, that’s the expression that’s going to be on his face when he sees us. In a sense, joy is a Christ-follower’s legacy. We can reflect God’s joy in our marriages, friendships and relationships as we see others through God’s eyes,” he said. “It’s like a taste of heaven, and we are drawn to it.”

Combining neuroscience with the redemptive power of the Holy Spirit allowed Chris to better walk with people on their healing journey.

He was so affected by the research, Chris approached Jim to inquire about working together. They started to broaden the application of the research by identifying skills to help people grow joy or return to joy and rest as they dealt with upsetting emotions like anger, disgust, hopelessness and despair. Ideally, these skills would be learned in the first three years of a person’s life if the family was emotionally healthy enough to pass them on. Chris wondered if someone who didn’t have opportunity to learn skills as a child could be trained to acquire them later in life. He developed skill-building exercises that he tested on a members of a redemptive community group at his church. Positive results poured in.

I noticed, “Someone smiled today for the first time. Something is happening here!” Chris said. The first official Thrive Training debuted in 2002, an event in which Jen was included. When Chris and Jen met in person, sparks flew! The Courseys like to say that their Thrive Training ministry and their relationship have similar start dates.

As people in the Thrive Trainings started practicing these relational and character skills, they became calm, peaceful, joyful people who enjoyed being together, the Courseys report.

“Relational glad-to-be-togetherness will show up on your face, in your words, body mannerisms and gestures. Your brain is always looking for the face that’s glad to see you,” Chris said. “There’s a delight that comes across. Your brain wants to be around the people who delight in you. You’ll start to feel more relational, peaceful, and restful. If the brain doesn’t grow joy, fear becomes the default mechanism. The brain starts scanning the environment for threats instead of faces that are glad to see them.

“Weeds of fear grow in the garden when you are not tending it with joy and rest,” Chris said.

As they began to apply joy-building skills to their relationship with God, people told him, “I feel like Jesus is glad to be with me and not mad at me.” New practices started to deeply impact people’s capacity for joy, which augments their ability to suffer well and weather conflict.

Test exercises grew into a full-fledged Thrive Training curriculum, which was refined to be more systemically strategic in 2006.

For those who didn’t learn these skills as children – they don’t feel simple. Training helps, Jen said. It gives people language to understand what they are doing and why. Soon, developing and leading Thrive Training resources became Chris and Jen’s full-time ministry. They offer a five-day training course, but realizing not every couple can commit to that amount of time, they’ve broken content into smaller bites able to be delivered in a weekend, one-day or marriage date night series. Couples can access an online version, listen to podcasts or attend a Thrive Training webinar at www.thrivetoday.org.

While the Courseys agree that the context behind the concept is important, connection and bonding really happen when couples practice the skills together.

One exercise teaches people how to convey joy to each other through the expression on the face. Chris will ask a couple to take a minute and think of all the things they enjoy about their partner. Then, they are instructed to look at their spouse and express that joy non-verbally. Once they feel the momentum of the expression peak, they’re to look away and take a breather. Couples continue this pattern of connection and rest for two to three minutes. The bonding exercise wakes up the relational parts of our brain, Chris said.

Another exercise invites people to reflect on times of joy and share those moments through storytelling. It can be as simple as the highlights of the day. As your brain remembers and feels them, your body starts to respond as if you were experiencing the happy occasion all over again. Reflecting and sharing is a great way to spread joy to others, Chris said.

As Chris and Jen lead people through the exercises, they can observe people genuinely beginning to enjoy being with each other. “It’s like plugging in a lamp. People start coming alive! Over a matter of time, you see the group’s energy go up, and it transforms the group,” Chris said. “Joy thaws us out, warms us up and softens the hardened places in us. Starting the healing journey with someone who is glad to be with me creates safety to help get the thorns out.”

These concepts are explored further in their books. In The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages the Courseys discuss principles that include:

Play Together – do things that build joy.

Listen for Emotions – get connected relationally

Appreciate Daily – reflect on the highlights

Nurture Rhythm – cycle between joy and rest

They also explain the concept of the joy gap, which they define as the amount of time between a couple’s last moment of shared joy. They remind couples that they can get so busy doing life side-by-side that they don’t take time to enjoy each other. “One reason couples fall out of love is that they are not intentional about keeping the joy gap small,” Jen said. “The feeling of joy is in some way the feeling of falling in love. Keeping the joy gap small helps keep that flame of love alive.”

There are many ways to grow joy in marriages. Couples can learn the joyous expression skill, remind each other of the things they appreciate, or reflect on what brought them together. Even the simple act of sharing a smile grows joy, and “a little bit of joy goes a long way,” Jen added. Once the exercises feel natural, “we’ll see people start relaxing. They’ll charge their relational batteries and start shrinking the joy gap.”

“One of the things we love about catching married couples is that’s where the children grow,” Chris added. “If we can equip them, they’ll have built the habits that they can pass to their families.”

30 Days of Joy for Busy Married Couples encourages couples to “start a little campfire of joy and warm up,” Chris said. Its real-life stories and practices allow people to get started even if they don’t understand all the theory behind Thrive Training.

“Transformation happens in the practice,” Jen said. “Practicing the exercises is what will build back the joy. All it takes is a few minutes in the morning or before bed – just be intentional about letting your eyes catch each other and light up.”

The Joy Switch, published in 2021, is their newest book. It explains how joy activates the brain’s relational circuit. It includes 19 exercises that develop skills people need so they are ready for interaction and bonding. When a person is in relational mode, they want to connect rather than be on the phone or watch TV, Jen said. If pain causes the brain to retreat and become defensive, exercises can help a person return to a place of relational openness.

“When our relationship is not joyful, there’s still a lot we can do individually to build joy,” Chris said. “There is hope even if our partner is not there with us.”

The Courseys recommend keeping a joy journal and reflecting on God’s gifts with gratitude. “How powerful it is for the brain and nervous system to focus on gratitude and remember joy!” Chris said. The feeling can even be activated by looking at pictures of things for which they are grateful. (The opposite of scrolling social media in envy.)

They quoted their colleague Jim Wilder’s habit of practicing appreciation three times a day for five minutes. After 30 days, your brain will be reset to run on joy and peace, they said. “This gives us strength to navigate the hard stuff.”