Why is it important for a couple to be in rhythm? As anyone who’s ever watched a Dancing with the …. show can attest to, both partners need to be in sync for their performance to be successful. If one is dancing a tango and the other a waltz, their steps won’t coincide. The analogy follows in marriage. It takes both the husband and the wife moving on beat together to navigate their marital journey harmoniously.

Authors, speakers, and podcasters Chris and Jenni Graebe use this concept to encourage marriages. Their ministry, The Rhythm of Us, helps identify where couples might be in or out of rhythm and offers tools to help them align their steps for a happy, healthy marriage. Their book, The Rhythm of Us: Create the Thriving Marriage You Long For, was published in 2021.

They found the idea of rhythm provides a non-controversial way to inspire conversation between spouses. “People struggle with communication,” Chris said. “Using the word rhythm gives everybody a safe way to begin. It’s easier to say, ‘I feel like we are out of rhythm.’” The five rhythms they identified give people a framework on which to realign their relationship.

To get people started, the Graebes offer a free quiz on the Rhythm of Us website to help couples identify an area where they are most out of rhythm. The tool helps couples evaluate their relationship without pointing fingers — looking at the obstacle without making their spouse the problem, Chris added.

In addition to the book and podcasts, the Rhythm of Us Couples Roadmap is available as an online course that couples or small groups can order through the website or RightNow Media.

“What’s so exciting about the Couples Roadmap is it gives couples a common language that isn’t placing blame. Instead of hearing, ‘You need to fix this’ or ‘You’re bad at that,’ you can lock arms together and collectively ask each other, ‘Where are we out of Rhythm?’ ‘How did we get there?’ ‘What steps can we take to get back in Rhythm?’ It’s a completely different way of working through a struggle — it’s not me against you, it’s us working on the issue together,” Chris said.

Jenni and Chris’ rhythm together began almost 20 years ago. The two met at church when the pastor told the congregation to turn around and greet the person seated behind them. Jenni was attending Belmont College, while Chris, newly on fire for the Lord after a dramatic conversion, was sharing his faith with the younger generation through multimedia platforms.

Once they married and started their family, Chris accepted a church youth pastor position that also offered him the opportunity to speak at teen conferences. Chris continues to participate at inspirational Life Surge, now speaking to adults. The couple settled into a season of ministry and began raising their five children. During the latter half of their 12 years of pastoral ministry, the Graebes began podcasting as a creative outlet they enjoyed doing together.

“We didn’t have a master plan sensing the Lord shifting the seasons,” Jenni said.  Their marriage series caught the ear of a publisher, who suggested they expand the material to write their book, The Rhythm of Us, as they transitioned out of pastoral ministry to found The Rhythm of Us ministry. They credit their journey to their agreement to say, “yes,” to the invitations along the way. “I am the risk taker in our marriage,” Chris said. “Our ministry is really a testament to Jenni being willing to say yes to a new adventure. It’s really cool to watch what God did.”

Now The Rhythm of Us podcast provides a weekly dose of inspiration from leaders, mentors, and friends who live out the rhythm mindset. The Graebes sought out role models even prior to marriage. “We’d look across the community and see a handful of couples who seemed to have strong marriages. We could see the fruit so clearly in their lives. That’s who I wanted to learn from,” Jenni said. “It’s a principle we teach our kids, if we see someone’s marriage or family that makes us want what they have we learn what they do. We gleaned from years sitting at the feet soaking up the wisdom of couples a little farther on the journey than we are.”

Even as a teen, Jenni was drawn to couples in her community whose marriages had that extra spark. She noticed when couples gathered some would poke fun at their spouses, telling stories that would paint their husband or wife in a bad light in front of the others. “It made my heart hurt!” Jenni said. One couple, her voice teacher and music pastor, never entered into that banter. They only told stories of love.

Their example of curating what they said about each other inspired the first of the Graebes’ five Rhythms, Speaking Words of Life. “Be careful about the words you speak about and toward each other. They create the culture between you. It’s easy to unintentionally cross a line,” Jenni said. “The rhythms we fill our lives with today and practice together are shaping us to become a certain type of couple. Do we like the couple this rhythm is preparing us to be? Whether you realize it or not, you have a rhythm – do you like it, or do you want to fix it? If couples begin with the Rhythm of Speaking Life, their words will produce life in each other.”

Chris and Jenni confess the Rhythm of Serving is the most difficult for them to practice consistently.

“A common denominator among our mentor couples was the way they serve each other.” Jenni said. “Most of us wake up and think of our own needs. The couples who are able to thrive for the long haul are able to shift their eyes to see what their spouse needs — to learn who they are and what matters to them.”

“Look for ways you can actively serve your spouse and meet their needs. It will absolutely transform your lives,” Chris agreed. Other lessons: laughter, adventure, slowing down and spending time together — found their way into the rhythms.

Discover the 5 Rhythms

The Rhythm of Speaking Life

Discover how to speak life into each other, resolve conflicts, and see your spouse as God sees them.

The Rhythm of Serving

Simple daily actions will welcome unlimited gratitude and abundance into your lives.

The Rhythm of Slowing Down

Practical steps defeat the stresses of everyday life and eliminate hurry.

The Rhythm of Seeking Adventure

Replace boredom with excitement to live an unforgettable life together.

The Rhythm of Awe

Multiply the moments that take your breath away and experience daily gratitude as you realize your spouse is a gift from the Lord.

What does being in rhythm look like? Jenni suggests a couple start with where they want to go. “What do you want the future ‘us’ to look like? What is your vision? Do you share the same vision? You need to get on the same page and know the vision together.”

As their oldest child completes high school, the concept of a graduation table is fresh in Jenni’s mind. “You build a table featuring all the little pieces that make up your child’s life to end their season of being at home. When you’ve been married 50 years, what do you want to see on your table?”

The Graebes are releasing a new book applying the rhythm concept to parenting, called The Rhythm of Home, which reflects their season in the thick of family life. “This is not a book we wrote because we are the model family,” Jenni said. “We are learners. We sat with people whose families we admire. We invite you to join us for the journey to learn together.”

The Graebes identified families who they’ve seen stay close as they launch their children. “Something in my spirit takes attention and pauses when we are around families like this who enjoy each other, value each other and grow closer together,” Jenni said. She was especially taken with a group of three 20-something siblings who were clearly enjoying each other. Her first question was to ask what their parents did to help nurture their close relationship.

An encouraging note, all the sibling groups they talked with admitted they fought as children, but now they love each other. “No family is perfect,” Jenni said, “but there are things we can do to foster a thriving culture.”

The Greabes also learned that harder seasons can bring couples together rather than push them apart if they let those times build trust and make them stronger together.

“A great place to start is prayer,” Chris said. “Pray for what you lack.” “Mentors are around you, you just need eyes to see them,” Jenni added, noting couples can also learn from reading books and listening to great interviews. You’ll find plenty of great examples at therhythmofus.com.