Positive or Negative? | Switching Perspective Improves Relationships

Click. The sound of a light switch. That small switch has the power to change a room from darkness to one illuminated with warming light. A switch can also describe a change in a person’s emotional and mental state from positive to negative, or vice versa. The ability to identify, then actively move one’s emotional outlook from negative to positive is what Christian life coaches Chuck and Ashley Elliot call “Switch Theory.” Ashley developed this concept to help people explore the internal war between positive and negative thoughts and perceptions.

Chuck and Ashley met at Lee University in Cleveland, Tennessee, and both have a background in counseling and ministry. Chuck earned Masters’ Degrees in Organizational Leadership and Education and now serves as a pastor at Bethel Church in Evansville, Indiana. Ashley completed a Master of Science Degree in Mental Health Counseling, is a professor at Oakland City University and oversees the Psychology and Addictions Counseling Program. Together they are certified in eight different psycho-educational programs. For more than a decade, the Elliotts have encouraged thousands of individuals and couples through their work speaking, teaching, and coaching.

Whether in a marriage, a dating relationship, while working through grief, addiction, or even in the workplace, Switch Theory remains the cornerstone of the Elliotts’ work helping individuals enhance their personal and professional relationships. Although they conduct workshops and coach in person, in 2019 they expanded their online footprint to allow greater access to their materials. Couples can learn at their own pace through one of the online, on-demand virtual courses or devotionals that use Switch Theory as a framework for change.

Topics include Love and Loss, Why People Leave and Do Hard Things, all of which can be watched individually or with a small group. Each includes short video sessions and reflection activities.

Unpacking Switch Theory

The Elliotts explain how a person can evaluate thoughts, behaviors and expectations using Switch Theory. Are your thoughts toward another in a negative space or a positive space? How does someone reevaluate when they start feeling frustrated? Are spouses growing toward each other or apart? Even the exercise of writing thoughts down can help shed some light on sources of frustrations and identify ways to make a relationship better. “Happy couples have mutual friends, shared values and interests – all positive space stuff,” Ashley added.

“There’s a difference in facing a negative experience and ‘setting up shop’ in a negative space,” Chuck said, explaining how the more negative thoughts a person hangs on to, the more they will experience confirmation bias. “Negative thoughts can drive people to feel bad, to isolate, to think no one loves them,” Chuck said. Triggers have more power when someone is in a negative space. If something has happened that pushed you into thinking negatively, you can do the work to switch back over to the positive. The Elliotts teach people to perform a manual mindset reset, helping individuals move from a negative to a positive space. They train individuals to use the 3 A’s to Change, helping them increase awareness regarding unmet needs, assess past and future methods that have been or could be utilized to meet those needs, and finally, act upon the developed plan.

One of the methods the Elliotts suggest using combines Scripture (Romans 12:2) and a counseling technique called reframing. “No matter what happens in life, whether it looks like a bad or a good situation, we can allow God to transform us by renewing our minds, which builds hope,” Ashley said.

In their book, I Used to be _____ , which will be released next year, Chuck and Ashley use Switch Theory to help people understand their needs pertaining to loss so they can process grief in a healthy way and switch back to a positive mindset. This material grew out of their own experience processing their grief after several miscarriages. “The blank in the title gives people permission to insert whatever they used to be,” Ashley said. The book addresses many different types of loss. I used to be… married. I used to be …. a daughter. I used to be …. a parent. The Elliotts emphasized the importance of having a support system to root a person when they are swaying in a storm. They also recommend taking anger to God.

Additionally, they address defense mechanisms, coping behaviors and provide practical steps toward healing. They also offer an online program, Love and Loss (available through their website or on Right Now Media), which walks individuals through a process of self-reflection to explore the journey of grief, examine unseen elements of loss, and build hope for the future.

“There’s an adage, ‘Time heals.’ But it’s what we do with the time that heals. If we don’t deal with something and allow ourselves to process and heal, it will trigger even more frustration and a series of negative thoughts, feelings, behaviors and actions,” Ashley said. They also remind people to consider the legacy they leave to others.

“We would all agree somebody in our life impacted us,” Chuck said. “But people don’t always see the way their behavior also impacts their legacy. Yes, grief is hard,” he added. “What if you handle it better than average? You will leave a better than average legacy.”

Why People Leave

In their online video series, Why People Leave, (available through their website or on Right Now Media) they explain why people leave their jobs, marriages, and churches in search of happiness and in a response to unmet expectations.

For example, when a wife chooses not to communicate her unmet needs or expectations, whether about finances, sex or parenting, her spouse may have no idea she is unhappy and has no insight driving motivation to change. Unmet needs will increase the likelihood she will drift into a negative space. Negative thoughts create distance, which can perpetuate a spiraling cycle of negativity. As the Elliotts apply Switch Theory to the human response to unmet expectations, they note people have different choices when faced with a situation — speak or don’t speak. “If you don’t speak, your behavior is going communicate for you,” Ashley said. “In a negative space, when individuals choose not to speak about the issue, they become more likely to engage in distancing behavior such as stonewalling, triangulation and slamming doors. If they don’t move back into a positive space, leaving becomes more likely, either emotionally or physically.”

Switch Theory has a broad range of applications, even applying to addictions and affairs. Ashley specializes in training addiction counselors to empower parents of children with SUDs to move into a positive parenting style. In the marriage space, couples can use Switch Theory to help build trust and hope.

Switch Theory can apply to business relationships as well. “75% of turnover is preventable,” Chuck said, quoting The Work Institute 2020 Report. “We help business leaders implement retention strategies; we teach the application of Switch Theory in the workplace, help managers utilize stay interviews, and enhance preventive methods that human resources can use during the hiring process.”

Spiritual Intimacy

Chuck and Ashley offer several devotions on their site and through the YouVersion Bible App.

“It’s tough to live in this busy culture,” Chuck said. “Disconnect can happen so naturally — we will drift by default if we are not intentional. One of the top reason people report divorcing is because of growing apart,” he added. “Couples who started out sharing activities started spending time apart, someone got in a negative space, which eventually led to the divorce.”

“You are so much stronger if you connect spiritually. Relationships are hard. You need all the help you can get. The spiritual component is foundational,” he said.

Chuck quoted a study that showed fewer than 1% of couples who read God’s word and pray together get divorced. Accordingly, they created devotions to help couples in that endeavor.

“It is so important for couples to pray together,” Ashley said but admits it is easier to pray with Chuck when she is in a positive space. She trains herself to pray even when she’s in a negative space. “The God of this universe gives us joy, peace, patience…. He holds the key to getting into the positive space,” she said.

Building a Marriage Plan 

Another service the Elliotts offer both for newlywed couples forming a foundation as well as those who have found themselves seriously off track is personalized help building a marriage plan. The one-year coaching relationship will guide couples through a process to examine current marital structures and establish a written plan that will be evaluated and tweaked throughout the year.

“When someone starts a business, they are encouraged to write out a business plan. When an individual builds a home, they first draft house plans. A business or a home is only as successful as the individuals running them,” they note on their website. “People often are not intentional,” Chuck added. “What do you want your life to look like? Things are not just going to happen. You may have expectations, dreams or hopes, but if you don’t put plans into making it happen, decades later you may find that you failed to accomplish what you wanted to accomplish.”

The Elliotts hope to coach more couples who desire to create good habits early in a marriage rather than waiting until damage has been done. “It is so much harder to get cleaned up than if there never was the problem,” Chuck said.