Better Than New| Ministry Couple Rebuilds Marriage after Betrayal

It’s a wife’s worst nightmare. Your husband’s confessed he’s been unfaithful.  You don’t know how to think, what to do, or even if you can take another breath. Where do you turn for wisdom? Who can you trust with your emotions, your shame, your anger?

Cindy Beall knows just how you feel, because she’s walked down that road herself. Through God’s healing power, she’s made it to the other side and offers strength and counsel through her books, Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken and Rebuilding a Marriage Better Than New. Twenty years later, she and her husband, Chris, have restored their marriage “better than new,” and offer support, inspiration and practical help for those on the journey.

Cindy’s experience was compounded by the fact that her husband was very visibly serving as a worship pastor. As his confession continued, the story of sin deepened. What started as an addiction to pornography had spiraled into physical encounters and eventually resulted in the birth of an out-of-wedlock child.

In 2002, the couple had just been called to ministry at Life.Church in Oklahoma City. They had barely begun to unpack their moving boxes, when Chris felt compelled to come clean about his infidelity at their former location. In an instant Cindy went from being “a relatively happy housewife who stays home with her three-year-old, to being this ‘damaged woman’ wondering ‘what do I do about the future.’” Cindy explained that Chris had been living in the dark for so long that he felt uncomfortable around the leadership at the new church because of the level of integrity. “It was like spiritual sandpaper to his soul,” she said.

Cindy credits the church leadership with coming alongside them in support. “The American church is typically good at shooting their wounded. Our church decided they were not going to be that church. They wanted to be the hospital for us.”

Cindy turned to the Lord, praying, begging, pleading. She asked God if she should remain in the marriage, while telling him that she didn’t really want to. “I did trust God. It wasn’t God who let me down. It was my husband,” she said. That began a journey to get the help the couple needed. Eighteen months later they were able to get back on the team and have been pastoring since. Life.Church has now grown to 38 locations in 12 states.

Cindy noted that 20 years ago she had a hard time finding resources to help her. That’s what compelled her to write Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken. The book was re-released in 2020. She included additional information at the end of each chapter to show where she and Chris were now as compared to 2011 when it first came out. She also added a 20-years-later section that she targeted to all women. “I felt like I was supposed to write it as if people had never gone through a betrayal,” she said. Through the years, women have shared struggles that they may be incorrectly connecting to their husband’s infidelity.

“It is still hard to be married even without a betrayal,” Cindy said. She included her best 20 pieces of advice that can apply to anyone. Some include: Jesus first. Don’t give up on spiritual growth when things are difficult. Seek unity, make sure you are in agreement. Identify the origin of problems. Is the cause of the stress something between the two of you, or something that’s upon you, like children, or work? Once you know the source, you can find better ways to resolve it, rather than just react. 

Twenty years later, Cindy said she and Chris have no other option than to be completely honest with each other, and she casts a vision for something deeper and more satisfying than a ho-hum American marriage. “I don’t want marriages to be just typical, I want people to think about their spouse more than themselves. To mutually give to each other and build each other up.”

She inspires people to fight for connection and devotion to each other without having to go through a betrayal. “Who would have known 20 years later I would look at my marriage and say, ‘I love it.’  I truly think I have an amazing marriage,” she said.

“We’ve done an awful lot of work, and God has done more than we could have imagined.” Cindy remembers how she was compelled to practice kindness, forgiveness and choose to trust. Many people ask her how they can learn to forgive. “It is hard to forgive when you don’t feel like forgiving,” she admitted.

Cindy said healing came by doing the hard things, not skipping over pain, having the conversations, crying when she needed to cry, having the right people in their lives to walk through things with them, and pressing into Jesus. She said their healing sped up when they began to help others.

“God comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. We live in a broken world. People do dumb things and need healing.” Cindy knew she was supposed to write a book but had no idea how God was going to extend the reach of their story.

“I didn’t know that Chris and I would meet with couples one and one for years or that I would go speak and do videos.” Recently Cindy even filmed for an online affair recovery course. “Part of me just wanted to cut my losses and run. But when I sought God, he told me that he was going to do more than I could even think of. I didn’t know then what would happen 20 years later.”

Part of the recovery process involves rebuilding trust, which Cindy counted as more difficult even than forgiving Chris.

“Trust stemmed from recognizing I was putting all of my hope in and desire for this man to be fully trustworthy and never make a mistake. I had to learn instead to put all my trust in God,” she said. “That freed me up to trust my husband again. We are just flawed people, but I hope and pray he won’t let me down in the same way.”

She points out that rebuilding required both of them to be “all in.” “Marriages don’t work or survive if it’s just one person doing something,” Cindy said.

The couple created practical boundaries, for example allowing each other complete access to all phones, computers and information. For his part, Chris was repentant and still goes out of his way to make sure his conversations and whereabouts are transparent and accountable. Cindy reminds couples to guard their marriages. It sounds simple, but that can begin with not looking at porn, which has become increasingly prevalent and accessible. Set boundaries about opposite-sex friendships. “That’s a danger zone right there,” she said. “Keep your guard up.”

Cindy never tells a couple one way or another whether they should stay or divorce. “You have to live with that decision,” she said. “God did not release me, so I kept fighting, and he changed hearts. Get as connected to God as possible. Seek peace in the place where God is guiding.”

She also reminds them not to make a quick decision when emotions are heightened. “You don’t have to decide everything in a short time,” she said. “One of the best pieces of advice I received was from a pastor who said, ‘Cindy, you don’t have to decide the rest of your life today.’”

Cindy and Chris’s story (including the birth of another son to them several years after their restoration) reminds people there is hope for those who don’t think their marriage can be saved. Cindy’s books help people in the “emergency room” phase of trauma in their marriage get to the place where they can get rehab.

“I want to let people know it doesn’t have to end. Don’t miss the opportunity to do the remarkable, because God may want to do the remarkable in you,” she said.

They encourage marriage champions to be a safe place for couples hurting from the devastation of betrayal. The Bealls were supported by a mentor couple who provided space and time where they could be raw and vulnerable.  “They were the hands and feet of Jesus,” Cindy said. “They brought a sense of steadiness through God’s work in their lives.”

“If there’s a couple God has put in your life, be there for them,” they added. Don’t know where to start? Use the questions at the end of each chapter of Cindy’s books to help talk through things. “Make the investment. You don’t have to have gone through the same thing. If you have experienced any kind of pain, you can help somebody going through pain.”

Chris added in a podcast interview for FamilyLife Today, “The best thing you can do for other people is not tell a story but live a story.”