If you’ve hit your 40th birthday and you’re married, you’ve probably felt the pull of midlife. Maybe it’s the squeeze of taking care of an aging parent and the kids. Or a corporate restructure has jumpstarted early retirement. Perhaps an empty nest has caused you and your spouse to wonder if you even know each other. Any and all of these situations can cause a midlife couple to pause and take inventory of their lives and the state of their marriage.

Dorothy Greco, award-winning photographer, author and speaker, addresses midlife issues in her book, Marriage in the Middle, published in 2020, which follows her 2017 Making Marriage Beautiful. Dorothy transparently shares lessons learned as she and her husband, Christopher, have navigated the past 33 years of marriage together … and in so doing drawn closer to God and each other.

Dorothy and Christopher married in their late 20s, after what she describes as a “long and complicated relationship.” The fiercely independent individuals from disparate backgrounds faced “lots of adjustments” to married life. Like most couples, neither Dorothy or Christopher was aware just how much each other’s emotional baggage and coping mechanisms developed in their dysfunctional families of origin would trigger the other once they married. They realized they needed to talk about their differences and extend mercy and grace to each other. They persevered, and as Christopher was working as a pastor and worship leader, the Grecos threw themselves into ministry – leading marriage classes by default because they were one of the “older” married couples at the church. Sharing a ministry blessed their marriage as they both took what Jesus was calling them to do seriously. They were committed to asking the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of growth, which “kept us together through the challenges and provided a hopeful mindset,” Dorothy said. Commitment to growth and seeking the Holy Spirit’s guidance remain consistent themes in Dorothy’s writing.

The two began leading the half-day marriage conferences they still offer. A topic of addressing expectations and disappointments resonates with many audiences. They’ve had to uncover expectations they brought into their relationship and deal with the reality that some of those things may never change.

“That is the rub — What do you do with those disappointments? These are things that we had hoped would change and either they haven’t, or the change has been much slower than we imagined. That has pushed us to explore which expectations that we’re carrying are realistic and which ones are not and then do the work of recalibrating, Dorothy said.

“Our desires for our spouse do not magically empower them to become a different version of themselves,” she wrote in Marriage in the Middle. “Relational disappointments can provide opportunities for us to show gratitude, take positive action, and repent of our sin. That’s good news. …. Confronting our disappointment helps us to move toward loving our spouse for who they are, not who we think they should be. …. There’s a reciprocal nature to this. We love our spouses despite their limitations and weaknesses and, in turn, hope they will likewise love us.”

The couple discovered that while they were working to be responsive to the needs of their spouse — becoming better partners, friends and lovers — each only had the power and authority to change themselves.

“Rather than hoping our spouse changes we need to focus on how God is asking us to change and grow,” Dorothy said.

“Are we going to focus on the things that drive us crazy or the ways they serve and love us? It takes a level of self-discipline to constantly choose to forgive,” Dorothy said. “The U.S. is a very individualistic country. Anything that gets in the way of our individual ‘right’ to happiness we see as an offense to be eradicated as quickly as possible. We have to be willing to do the hard work of loving when our spouse seems impossible to love.”

She encourages couples to consider how to find different rhythms and meaningful connection with each other. “We have the opportunity to grow and strengthen our relationship to get through this final season of life that can be unpredictable and difficult. Without a stable foundation and the charity and grace we need to give each other, it can get really tough.”

Other lessons that form the backbone of her writing are the practice of confession and asking forgiveness. “Confession is so counter cultural, yet so essential to having a healthy marriage,” Dorothy said. “Repair on a regular basis is important to keep the marriage in a healthy place.”

Marriage in the Middle opens as Dorothy recounts an extremely difficult year that catalyzed a shift in their lives and marriage. While dropping their eldest son at college, the Grecos brought home bed bugs. Soon afterward, they dealt with a job loss and the sudden death of Christopher’s mother from cancer. All while Dorothy battled fibromyalgia and insomnia.

Dorothy begins the book with, “Congratulations on making it to the middle of life while married. No single narrative could possibly encompass all of our lives. We might be hitting our stride or wondering if we’re going to make it … but at least two threads connect us.

“First, we’re all facing the limits of our power. We cannot slow down the passage of time or stop the effects of aging. We can’t influence the stock market or control how our parents’ lives will end. These are sobering and often overwhelming realities.

“Second, the intense demands and rapidly changing circumstances of midlife force us to constantly adjust and adapt.”

She asks the question: “Is midlife marriage a crisis or opportunity?”

“It is not uncommon for these transitional phases to agitate our insecurities and widen and fissures in our marriage.”

She challenges, “We have to be willing to acknowledge those places where our marriages are currently fragile or even failing. …And address those vulnerabilities with purpose and commitment. …. By giving ourselves permission to ask difficult questions and reflecting on our lives up to this point, we can learn how to support each other more meaningfully.”

She encourages couples to practice three mindsets to ease into midlife more gracefully.

1.  Malleability – how much pressure can we withstand until we snap?

“In this age (middle age) it requires us to be incredibly malleable.” When we get to the end of ourselves, how do we lean into God, so we have something to give those who are depending on us – whether it be an elderly parent or the kids. “I have to be able to get through this day,” she wrote, “and I want to love extravagantly.” How many of us can relate? Rather than rely on her own failing strength, Dorothy will ask God to give her what she needs to persevere.

2. Resilience – how quickly we bounce back when something happens. “We need to not sink into quitting, as this will have very serious ramifications not just for us as individuals but for our families.” She reminds people not to forsake their individual needs in this season. Massive changes are happening in the body that are out of control. We need to take care of ourselves — get sleep, exercise, good nutrition, therapy for marriage or depression, and find friends to walk with in seasons of struggle. “I want to be fully engaged until the day I drop dead. I ask God to give me enough life, health and mental clarity that I can continue to offer my gifts all my life.”

3. Engagement – paying attention and remaining actively involved. “We need to have a growth mentality as life changes.” How do we learn to engage together and not isolate when things change?

“Becoming more malleable, resilient and engaged won’t simply help us to be better people: these attributes may actually prevent marital failure,” she wrote. Dorothy realized if she were writing the book today, she would have added a fourth principle —empathy.

“Empathy is more than sympathy — it’s being willing to place ourselves in another’s world and offer the grace, kindness, patience and love the Lord offers us.” It’s more than being present, it’s doing the hard work of listening with the whole of who we are and going to deep places — understanding what they are telling us they need and thinking how we can help meet those needs. “When my husband’s mom died, and he knew it was time to leave his job at a church we loved,  we were both stretched to the very edge of ourselves.”

Their willingness to be empathetic with each other got them through that rough time, she remembered. “For me to say, ‘I am really exhausted and spent. I can tell you are, too. What do you need? How can I love you in a practical and tangible way to get you through this week?’ It’s a very powerful spiritual connection with a practical component.”

Being a Caregiver

Dorothy noted caregiving can be difficult and unpredictable. In the book she described an extremely moving situation where she felt called to serve her father – with whom she had not enjoyed a close relationship— by rubbing oil into his feet. Her transparent description of her experience will resonate with anyone who’s felt ambivalence about the call to serve a parent who has not necessarily provided what we’ve needed.

“As is often the case for broken parent-child relationships, healing is slow and forgiveness multilayered,” she wrote.

Another chapter addresses navigating trauma and loss. “It’s not a question of if you or your spouse have experienced trauma. It’s more a question of to what degree and have the two of you ever considered how past trauma might be affecting your marriage today,” she wrote.

“As we do our work, wounds will heal, providing opportunities to connect more consistently, trust more fully, and find freedom from trauma’s grip.”

In the chapter on Loving in the Midst of Limitations, Dorothy candidly shares her struggles with chronic pain due to fibromyalgia and extreme difficulty sleeping. “Our health affects every aspect of marriage – from our ability to perform household chores to our earning potential to sex. By making peace with our increasing limitations and learning how to care for ourselves and each other,” couples can still experience healthy sexuality and physical connection. She suggests couples consider how they are caring for, serving and loving each other. Because of her health and sleep limitations, Dorothy finds activities like travel and camping that they once enjoyed difficult. She reported Christopher has always been generous and kind as they learn to live with their new reality.

Shared Vision

Dorothy uses the word telos to describe a person’s journey over a lifetime. She encourages couples to discover ways God is calling them to serve their community that reflect their shared gifts, talents, history, and even limitations. “I do think God’s strength is manifest in our weakness,” she said. “We started a season doing marriage ministry just when my health issues were beginning. Sometimes when I didn’t want to, saying yes gave me a little hope and traction to keep going and not sink.”

The Grecos love to have people over to eat, talk about theology and support each other. “Helping others gets our vision off ourselves and any irritation we might feel with our spouse. For many of us, our issues are somewhat petty compared to the needs around us,” she said.

Dorothy admitted that no one would want her and Christopher to spearhead a building project using power tools. But the couple beautifully share the love of Christ with men incarcerated in prison. “We can go and say, ‘We care about you.’ ‘You are not forgotten.’ That’s something we as a couple can do to love and allow the kingdom of God to come through us. It gives us a bigger focus as we care for other people. Serving alongside your spouse gives you a fresh respect and admiration of the way they function in their gifts.”

To figure out what our telos might be, we want to ask each other, “What are we good at as a couple? What are the specific ways we can meet the needs around us? In response to her earlier question, “Is midlife marriage a crisis or an opportunity?” she believes it’s both. “We will feel incompetent and overwhelmed on a regular basis. But we will also feel empowered and victorious as we overcome obstacles and learn how to do things we’ve never done before.”