Emotional Abuse and Narcissism: Can a Marriage Be Saved? / Dr. David Hawkins and Marriage Recovery Center Offers Hope

Can a marriage be saved when one of the spouses is a narcissist or emotionally abusive? Would someone even want to save it? Surprisingly, the answer to those questions can be yes, according to David Hawkins, Ph.D. A clinical psychologist with more than 40 years’ experience, Dr. Hawkins has brought healing and restoration to thousands of marriages and individuals since 1976. Dr. Hawkins has earned a MBA, MSW, MA, and a PhD, and is a speaker and trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors and writes for Crosswalk.com, CBN.org, and Believe.com. He has made regular appearances on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is a best-selling author of over thirty books including his 2017 When Loving Him is Hurting You.

Dr. Hawkins founded the Seattle-based Marriage Recovery Center and works with those in highly conflicted relationships, specializing in helping women heal from narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Safety is the primary concern in an abusive situation. Mental health professionals do not recommend people remain where they feel afraid for their physical or mental well-being. There are times when separation is not just recommended, but prudent.

That being understood, Dr. Hawkins’ effective protocol can guide a person in their journey of recovery from narcissism for those motivated to comply. His unique approach targets breaking unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaviors and teaching new skills to develop emotional intimacy for narcissistic men and the women who love them.

His program differs greatly from traditional marriage counseling, which brings people together, he said, and commonly assumes marriage problems are a two-way street, with each of the spouses contributing at least partially to the problem. More than a decade ago Dr. Hawkins noticed a common theme.  The idea “it takes two to tango” did not hold true when one of the spouses, typically the man, has narcissistic tendencies.

Dr. Hawkins repeatedly heard the same story. A woman, often mid-50s and married for several decades, would tell him that her husband “makes her life hell.” Despite conventional wisdom that there’s no hope and she should get out, Dr. Hawkins said, “I rarely see a woman who is DONE. I see exhausted, weary, frustrated to no end. But she still loves the guy. ‘Just dump him’ is bad counsel. She wants to see if her marriage can work.”

Once Dr. Hawkins started peeling back the layers, he found most women had tried a handful of other counselors already. They’ll ask him, “Are you really going to ‘get it?’ He’s a pastor, the mayor, he has a glossy exterior. He’ll charm you. You will like him. Will you peel off the layers and challenge him?”

It’s very hard to put her plight into words, Dr. Hawkins said. Often even her church has given her poor advice. “By the time she gets to me, she wonders if she’s the crazy one. When I share my work with her, she’ll start sobbing.” Dr. Hawkins has been told time and again, “You don’t know what your words mean to me. Someone gets it!”

Dr. Hawkins then introduces his protocol. The first step is for the woman to agree that the status quo is not acceptable. “It takes a breakdown to make a breakthrough,” Dr. Hawkins said. “There has to be a disruption. He (the man with narcissistic tendencies) will have to have the underpinnings ripped out from underneath him. She will need to have an intervention.

Women who solicit help through the Marriage Recovery Center fall into one of three categories, Dr. Hawkins said.

1) Arrives with the highest level of tolerance for the status quo. She’ll say things like, “I don’t know how to intervene. I don’t want to make him mad.”

2) Says, “Tell me what to do,” and “I’ll do it if you’ll coach me.”

3) Is ready, because she is so fed up she could divorce him tomorrow. She says, “Talk me through an intervention, and let’s do it. I’m on board even if he throws a fit.”

Throwing a fit is typically how narcissists behave when confronted. “He will rail against anyone who challenges him,” Dr. Hawkins said. When a woman tells one of these men something she’s unhappy about, he does not look at her and ask her to tell him more about what is concerning her. No, he is either dismissive, defensive, telling her, “You are the one making the problem here,” or dominant. He’ll minimize, justify, sanitize, rationalize, and play the victim, telling her, “I’m the one getting hurt here. Look at the lifestyle you have.” She is criticized over and over for her concerns until she becomes smaller and smaller. The acronym DARVO describes emotionally abusive behavior that often occurs when a wife brings a concern forward. The man will Defend, Attack, play the Reverse Victim and Offend. He doesn’t show any of this to anybody else, so she suffers in silence.

“It’s largely emotional immaturity. The narcissist is emotionally a six-year-old boy who doesn’t know how to validate, problem solve or hold space, so he throws temper tantrums. These men are typically highly successful, but they don’t know how to do relationships well and don’t want to be told how,” he added.

Dr. Hawkins shows the women who seek his help that they have been tolerating really bad behavior. If they enable and reinforce it, it is going to continue, which can be a hard message to hear. He’ll help a woman set strong boundaries and tell her husband what she has decided it will take for their marriage to continue.

She has to define what treatment will look like in an intervention letter. “So many women are well meaning. They’ll say, ‘You need to go to counseling.’ But this counseling must look different than what other counseling looks like,” Dr. Hawkins said. In the intervention letter, she needs to list the problem: Here’s what you do that is intolerable. For example – you don’t receive or empathize with my concerns. Your emotional abuse has affected me this way. I love you. I care about you. I don’t want to end the marriage. But if you want to stay married to me, you must follow Dr. Hawkins’ guidance. She needs to tell him, “You must trust Dr. Hawkins and do his treatment process,” which includes completing the Marriage Recovery Center’s Core Program, individual counseling and then couple’s counseling.

Lastly, she needs to speak into his treatment to really hold him accountable.

People with narcissistic tendencies are experts at manipulation. Someone who is going to be an accountability partner needs to be trained just like those addressing other addictions. They need to know what is really going on and be given permission to confront to hold the person accountable, Dr. Hawkins said. Often a therapeutic separation will need to be enforced.

The man must agree to work with Dr. Hawkins and participate in 14 weeks of the Basic Core Men’s Class that will teach him to take ownership of his behavior and accept personal responsibility. After that, he’ll need to spend another 14 weeks in Advanced Core Men’s therapy. Upon successful completion, he will transition to a six-month continued Core Strength program. Typically, this proposal will be met with a lot of grumbling, Dr. Hawkins said, but by the end of 14 weeks, if she’ll hold her ground, they’ll see evidence of internal motivation for change.

The Marriage Recovery Center describes the Men’s Core Program as “A unique program that helps men identify and take ownership of problematic behaviors that are sabotaging their life and relationships. Get the tools to manage EMOTIONS, CONFLICT and DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS…. You will receive live teaching and accountability from a skilled and experienced facilitator who will show you exactly what needs to change and how. Using a CBT and DBT based curriculum, The Core teaches you new skills to see, think and respond differently to life’s challenges so you can experience healthy relationships in every area of your life,” according to the website.

Dr. Hawkins’ answer to “all the naysayers out there who say they can’t change: If the woman will set a clear definition of what change looks like, set boundaries and trust me, it typically is a rocky road, but change can happen,” Dr. Hawkins said. A man with narcissistic tendencies can emotionally grow and maintain healthy emotional relationships if he pursues treatment.

“This is triage,” he said. “The man has emotionally abusive attitudes and behaviors that need to be extracted from his character.”

Why would a narcissistic husband even be interested in participating? Wouldn’t he just tell his wife to just go ahead and leave?

Dr. Hawkins tells women the best kept secret is their power. When they disagree because they feel powerless, he’ll ask them to remember what happened when and if they left their husband previously. They’ll reply, “He bombarded me with phone calls, promised to go to counseling, told me he would do whatever it took. So, I came back.” Dr. Hawkins tells them they came back “way too soon. In my 40 years of experience, I’ve never seen a man be ok with it when a woman leaves. 0%. It’s another dynamic women don’t talk about. Men are dependent. They may be hostile dependent or defiant dependent, but if you tell him you’re going to separate if he doesn’t go through the Marriage Recovery Center’s program, you have a ton of power.”

Dr. Hawkins shared an example of a typical couple he treated named, “John” and “Jane,” who now mentors others. After 30 years of marriage, Jane had enough and kicked John out. “He went into a huge sulk and pouted because he was emotionally insecure,” Dr. Hawkins said. “He was furious with Jane for three months, but then he softened and agreed to go through Dr. Hawkins’ Men’s Core program, which motivated Jane to be willing to get involved. John kept developing the skills, eradicating DARVO, understanding what to do when Jane brings a concern. She agreed to date him again, then move into couples counseling. John’s now on his third round of the Core Strength program, and they would tell you their life is radically different. He has grown, and they enjoy their marriage,” Dr. Hawkins said.

“Women need to understand that narcissistic tendencies and emotional immaturity are entrenched behaviors, but the treatment is effective. I am not aware of any other treatment for men who are emotionally abusive,” he said.

A testimonial from the Marriage Recovery Center website states, “Hearing I had narcissistic tendencies from my wife of 36 years was a hard truth I had to face. Fortunately I was able to work with the Marriage Recovery Center to overcome these tendencies. They were open and truthful about the disorder and about what I was doing to my wife with my actions. They provided me a safe, non judgmental place to get help and give me tools to use to help heal my marriage.”

And from a couple, Patty and Steve, “Your therapy was life changing. We are actually living a married life that we have never experienced before. It is better than it has ever been. I think the biggest life changers were working to help each other be safe, and to nurture each other instead of hurting each other. I really have so much gratitude for your help. I was at the end of my rope, and you really helped me.”

Can a narcissist heal? And can their marriage be saved? For the one who is willing to cooperate with Dr. Hawkins and follow the Marriage Recovery Center’s program, the answer can be yes.