What’s the most important skill a couple can learn to improve their communication? You might be surprised it doesn’t involve speaking. It’s listening, according to Gary Sweeten, Ed.D., who has devoted nearly fifty years to teaching people how to build a lifetime of great relationships as a counselor, educator and pastor. Dr. Gary founded Teleios Lay Counseling Centers (with branches in Scandinavia, Russia, and Southeast Asia) to cultivate therapeutic, healing communities. He also has written material that has been used in scores of other countries in multiple languages.

Dr. Gary’s doctoral studies examined modern psychology practices through the lens of solid biblical truth. His written material fostering holistic emotional and relational health has been used worldwide. Core principles have been condensed into two courses available online through his RelationalPeace.org website: Communicate for a Change (https://www.relationalpeace.org/courses/communicateforachange) and Renew: Roadmap to a Calm Mind (https://www.relationalpeace.org/courses/Renew). Renew helps individuals combat anxiety by taking negative thoughts captive, while Communicate for a Change teaches people how to listen so they develop relationships where they feel safe, connected, and can thrive. He considers these courses foundational and a bridge to Relational Peace’s other resources.

In Communicate for a Change, Dr. Gary builds on the concepts and skills he taught to counselors. His research demonstrated that the most important factor in life change and growth is the quality and connection of relationships. Skills learned in the course can help couples avoid divisive arguments, blaming and shaming each other, which breaks their emotional bond. Spouses learn how to disagree without attacking and to understand the other’s perspective.

While couples certainly benefit, Communicate for a Change content applies to any relationship. Dr. Gary has taught the material to high school students, church members, therapists, and counseling patients. “We train people in communication and renewing their mind so they can be a peaceful presence and go into the world with Shalom,” he said. “This is how we teach people in any relationship how to lift each other up.”

Dr. Gary began his professional career as a teacher, then served as Dean of Students at the University of Cincinnati while pursuing his doctorate in counseling education. Through his work he noticed that incorporating a small group component could greatly magnify a counselor’s reach, an observation that informed his subsequent work.

Dr. Gary also found relatability to be the most important determiner of a therapist’s effectiveness. How well they applied theory had very little to do with outcome, he noted. Their success was determined by whether the counselor was able to build a caring relationship with their client. “If they lack the relational part, the counseling will not be successful,” he said. He realized it was possible to teach people how to care for each other so they could better serve as guides and helpers to those in emotional pain.

The key to building relatability is to respect a person and find out what’s on their heart without taking ownership of their problems, Dr. Gary said. He has observed that some therapists want to help so desperately they develop a co-dependent relationship with their client. He recommends coming alongside in support rather than shouldering the other’s burden. The acronym GREW teaches this practice:

• Be Genuinely concerned.

• Respect someone enough to believe they can be responsible for themselves.

• Empathize with another person’s thoughts and feelings.

• Learn what they think and feel and be able to reflect that back to them in a way that they know they are respected.

“Sometimes we don’t really know what we are saying and meaning until we hear someone else say it to us. Reflection gives them a chance to clarify,” he added.

Many young people with deep brokenness and pain came to him for ministry and prayer during his tenure at the University of Cincinnati. Dr. Gary and his wife of 64 years, Karen, led a house church with a vision of it being a caring community. Dr. Gary determined he would apply his research to train entire congregations in basic skills of caring and upbuilding, greatly magnifying the ability of a church to make a difference in the lives of others.

His influence spread, and soon Dr. Gary found himself on staff as Discipleship and Christian Education Pastor at one of the largest Presbyterian churches in Ohio, with approximately 2000 members. He radically changed the church’s adult education model, adding time to Bible classes for small group discussion and prayer. He developed a process that taught people to communicate, to problem solve, clarify and listen. It included how to drill down to the core of a relationship, become less reactive and exhibit a peaceful presence. Dr. Gary trained the deacons, trustees, elders, Bible teachers, and parents from 1973-1989. The church went from relying on its 10 pastoral staff members to supply all the care and concern needs of the congregation to equipping 135 lay pastors and 65 lay counselors to carry out counseling, pre-marital prep and hospital visits.

Dr. Gary also founded LifeWay Counseling Centers in 1989, where he applied his process to patients, parents and support personnel. These physical clinics in Cincinnati are staffed by licensed therapists who provide professional counseling services.

As he refined his practice, Dr. Gary developed the acronym DREAMS to explain its framework.

• Didactic, which means a lesson must be based on solid theory and theology

• Reflection to make it stick

• Experience to practice the new behavior

• Assessment by self and peers to affirm positive learning

• Modeling to show exactly what to do

• Spiritual, so scripture and prayer are included

Relational Peace’s work is grounded in the Dreams framework. It shapes not only their courses but also their interactions, coaching approach and the Apprentice Network. This learning community connects participants worldwide through live Zoom sessions; Dr. Gary recently hosted a morning class that included participants from Norway, Russia and Asia. There’s also an option to become trained to lead a group. Communicate for a Change covers Genuineness, Warm Kindness, Empathic Listening, Respect and Launching Listeners. Sessions include breakout rounds for participants to apply the skills, get hands-on experience, and see what actually works.

“These practice moments are where confidence grows and real progress becomes visible,” Dr. Gary said.

“Communicate for a Change is a six-session course designed to help you communicate with greater confidence, clarity, and connection—whether at home, at work, or in leadership. You’ll learn practical skills that make a measurable difference in how you relate and respond in real conversations. The course blends clear information, connection, and practice opportunities, helping you build skills that are effective, repeatable, and grounded in real human connection,” as described on the Relational Peace website. Many people participate with a spouse, co-worker, friend or small group member to:

• Strengthen listening and communication skills to build trust quickly

• Navigate difficult conversations with more ease and less reactivity

• Communicate with clarity—even in high-stress or high-stakes situations

• Recognize interaction patterns and make small shifts that create positive momentum

Renew: Roadmap to a Calm Mind

Dr. Gary believes this course has become even more important as people are growing increasingly anxious today. He helps people assess their thought process and its effect on their emotional state. The field of neuropsychology has found that what a person repetitively thinks about physically changes their mind and includes every cell in the body, he said. Dr. Gary believes the Holy Spirit works to create a new mind, in accordance with scripture, “You will be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

The Renew Zoom course is described as “A guided six-week journey to help you notice negative thoughts, renew your mindset, and build a map to a calmer, more present mind —from the inside out.” While participants would find it helpful to have first completed the Communicate for a Change course, it’s not a pre-requisite.

“What we’ve found is that people have ANTs, (automatic negative thoughts) of past experiences that cycle around in their minds like an old song. They can be disabling. The Renew course teaches people how to remove those thoughts,” Dr. Gary said. Participants don’t just learn content. They’ll practice in breakout sessions with others who have similar concerns.

Dr. Gary also centers Renew’s lessons around an acronym. The REST Framework helps participants discover how to:

• Recognize – Tune into your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations so you can respond instead of react

• Evaluate – Explore the beliefs shaping your responses and uncover what’s beneath the surface

• Shift – Reorient your mind toward truth, grace, and life-giving values

• Take Action – Live out small, intentional steps that bring lasting change.

Gary also published his Communicate for a Change (Link to the book on Amazon: https://a.co/d/0iIdq7e6 )content in book form in 2023.

“’One thing is for sure: Most people want good relationships or even great ones.’” With these simple words, Dr. Gary Sweeten invites us into his life’s work of teaching people worldwide how to ‘love other people in ways that make them feel understood, valued, and appreciated.’ In one slender volume, Gary distills his most helpful teachings, biblical precepts, scientific findings, entertaining illustrations, poignant stories, memorable taglines, down-to-earth experiences, and heaven-sent grace,” as described on Amazon.

The Relational Peace website also connects to other courses led by trusted colleagues including The Divorce & Beyond Course (Link to course: https://www.relationalpeace.org/courses/the-divorce-beyond-journey) created by William Koontz.

The on-demand, go-at-your-own pace course is described as:

“Divorce Hurts! This is not news; you’re living the pain. But to those around you, it is news and something they may not understand. Some have empathy for you but can’t possibly commit enough time to help you heal. Where do you go for help? Is your only option to go through changes that no one should face alone?

“We Can Help!

“We conduct this course to help people meet the challenges of divorce and/or separation. It’s one of the many ways we show God’s love in practical ways, no strings attached.”

In so many ways, Dr. Gary provides wisdom and foundational skills to enhance communication for the good of marriages or any relationship through Relational Peace. Why not learn from a seasoned expert how to better care for and uplift others in the body of Christ?