Aloha! Get to know Ed and Betty Coda – everybody wants to meet them! This inspirational marriage leader couple recently celebrated their 56th anniversary a few weeks after also commemorating their 60th first date. On both occasions, their genuine love and affection for each other was so infectious others in the restaurant commented. One fellow diner told them they were inspirational; another couple paid for a round of drinks.

“We’re living proof love isn’t found, it’s built,” the Codas wrote on their website. They credit their decision to “choose each other every single day,” as the secret to not just their long-term marriage, but their lasting love.

Ed and Betty’s journey as husband and wife started in 1969 after a four-year courtship. They honeymooned in Hawaii, and Betty quickly fell in love with the state that had captured Ed’s heart. When they had the opportunity to buy a business and move there in 1972, they jumped at the chance. Like many typical couples, the two settled into work and family life, eventually starting two businesses and teaching school while raising six children in the Catholic faith.

But unlike many other couples, the Codas were committed to their relational growth. They did not want to become complacent. “All relationships are either growing or dying – there’s no standing still,” Ed said. They found they could grow intensely at a weekend retreat without taking too much time away from their young family. They committed to attending a seminar at least every year. They discovered the Catholic Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend in 1976 and quickly became involved as presenters and leaders of this ministry through 1982.

They learned a practice through Marriage Encounter they credit as one of the most helpful in continuing to enrich their marriage. They were taught how to keep a love journal – taking time daily to write an answer to a question provided by the ministry or one they create pertinent to their life. Every morning, Betty and Ed spend 10 minutes writing a love letter to each other in their matching notebooks.

While the daily question may be simple, their answers are not. Betty and Ed share not only a factual response, but their deep feelings with and for each other.

“Feelings are so important – when you know a person’s feelings you know them,” Betty said.  “We try to describe everything about our feelings so the other person can experience them,” Ed added.

On their 56th anniversary Ed wrote to Betty, “How do I feel about our 56th anniversary? Joyful amazement … Thinking of watching your smile coming down the aisle toward me on our wedding day gives me a joyburst of 10 on a scale of 10!” He described his feelings about Betty as a “kaleidoscope of colors.”

After each completes their entry, they trade journals and read what the other wrote. Throughout the years, this habit has deepened their emotional connection. This simple act of sharing feelings daily has been the glue that has held them close throughout their lives. Ed and Betty never need to guess whether they are loved. Even in times when loneliness or doubt creeps in, this method of sharing provides an opportunity to forgive, heal and move forward as one. In the same way that the Lord’s mercies are new every morning, so too do they reaffirm their commitment daily. Now that they are empty nesters and have more time to linger, they often transition into Bible study and prayer together.

The couple followed the Catholic Church’s teaching of natural family planning. They are such strong believers in its benefits they became certified instructors and taught NFP classes from 1982-2022. After being told they should have no more children due to a medical issue, they used the method to avoid pregnancy. One secret they share is that they found reserving the days requiring abstinence to “court” and romance each other, which heightened anticipation for their “honeymoon” days in each cycle.

The couple also kept the gift of their virginity for their marriage – a practice they continue to promote. In high school, a priest offered a nugget of wisdom that stuck with Ed throughout his life, “You only get one chance to do some things perfectly the first time.” The priest encouraged the boys to make a list of things they wanted to get right. Ed listed his future marriage on top and realized saving his virginity for his wife would be the most miraculous thing he could do for her.

“God’s ways are designed to allow us to flourish,” they suggest. “We share what worked for us,” Betty added. They’ve posted their story and a timeline of their relationship on their website, www.ednbetty.com.

Now the Codas present this beautiful message to students as young as fifth grade through the Heritage Keepers® classes they teach for schools and youth organizations throughout Hawaii.  The government-approved abstinence program tells physiological truth and casts vision to help the students set goals for their lives. Goals that might be postponed or derailed by a premature and unplanned pregnancy.

“How do we talk to these kids who are being so influenced by what’s around them?” Betty said.

“We want to share our love story so they can have the same love story for their lives. If we don’t tell them, who will? We’re so thankful we only had this kind of relationship with each other and so blessed by God to have lived this throughout our lives.”

As Betty and Ed continued with their diocesan ministries, they met mentors Ed and Sybilla Alexander, who introduced them to Celebrate Love (now EverMore in Love) founders Ron and Kathy Feher. This led to their introduction to Christopher West’s insights into St. John Paul II Theology of the Body. (TOB) EverMore in Love is designed to make TOB real and livable in marriage and family life, they explained.

We learned how to communicate in our sexual relationship – sharing their feelings verbally before making love. “It was just a beautiful shift in the way we do things,” Betty said. “Theology of the Body gave us more power to speak these words.”

Ed and Betty were so inspired by Celebrate Love they trained to be leaders, but the program’s original focus on the pre-marital audience didn’t fit with the strong Engaged Encounter programs already established in Hawaii.

Eventually the Codas adapted and combined concepts from their various ministries, courses and certifications to create a one-day workshop they call Living Sacred Sexuality. More than 2,000 couples have been inspired through the Codas’ work.

The Codas continue to teach Living Sacred Sexuality several times a year across Hawaii. Its cornerstone is adopting “JB2” (John Paul II)’s theology into practice. One illuminating principle is how differing masculine and feminine aspects of personhood affect relationships. “We say they are complimentary, but we realize how those aspects can be irritating to the other,” Betty explained.

They describe an occasion when Ed was sharing some deep thoughts as they walked along Waikiki Beach. All of a sudden Betty interrupted to exclaim how beautiful a flower was. Ed was initially deflated, thinking she wasn’t paying attention to him. But then he stopped to reflect… He’s the hunter, she’s the gatherer. He took a moment to look at the flower, and in all their years in Hawaii, he realized he had not seen a flower as unique and beautiful as the one Betty had pointed out. He had a choice how to respond. Instead of being irritated, he said something like this, “You know, Betty, you put all the color in my life. My life would be black and white without you.” Betty appreciated his tender response and the way he brings his strengths to their relationship.

“God made us the way we are so we could complement each other and be more whole together,” she said.

In the same way their obvious warmth and regard for each other draws people like a moth to a flame, so too, does their close family. People kept asking them their parenting secrets, so in 2010 they wrote the book, Passionate Parent Passionate Couple (recently revised and available at https://www.ednbetty.com/ourbook/p/passionate-parent-passionate-couple.)

In it, they explain their philosophy of a couple-first parenting style. They devote the first three chapters to couple-ness. They learned long ago that keeping their own relationship passionate and strong was the best gift they could give to their children. They begin with their vow to continue to pursue growth, whether through a marriage retreat, watching Theology of the Body videos or reading relationship books. Betty and Ed agreed they needed to practice skills they learned between the two of them before they expected any plan to translate to their family.

They also encourage couples to make their sexual relationship sacred, and they are big believers in humor and laughter.

In chapter four they transition to family foundations. A chart demonstrates how children need to know they belong in their family. Children will meet that need with negative interaction if they don’t feel enough positive affirmation, the Codas cautioned. When a child’s positive interaction tank is full, everyone cooperates, and the family runs smoothly. They focused on affirming their children’s positive efforts as much as possible.

Every Sunday the family would have a family day that included a meeting so they could say the things they needed to say. “It was the cornerstone of the family relationship,” Betty said. “Once everyone was heard, they could get sympathy and empathy (from Betty, Ed and their other siblings) that would provide an opportunity to change a negative into a positive.

“We believe in staying on the positive side and praising the people in our family,” Betty added. “It is so easy to affirm good things.”

Ed also noted how things changed when they started applying the practice of sharing feelings that worked so well in their marriage to their interactions with the children. “I started out as a drill sergeant,” he said. “We started evolving and getting better at knowing and using words to express our emotions.”

Of their six children, five live close-by in Hawaii and several (including spouses) work in the Codas’ financial services office. Children are a resource not a burden, is one of their mottos. The number of grandchildren has burgeoned to nine, with even the youngest being a positive contributor to the family.

“Whether it’s through our book Passionate Parent Passionate Couple, our hands-on workshops, or one-on-one mentorship, our mission is simple: to help couples rediscover the passion and connection that transforms relationships from ordinary to extraordinary,” they wrote on their website. Ed and Betty’s undying quest is for more than one million hearts to be touched through their message of lasting love and intentional connection.