How Grief Affects Marriage | Venerated Pastor, Author Helps Couples Heal to Restore Relationship

Grief following trauma or the loss of a loved one can cripple a person emotionally, trapping them in pain that prevents them from participating in relationships or enjoying life. It can feel like the past won’t let go.

H. Norman Wright, D.Min, CTS, MRE, MA, DD, D.Lit., has dedicated his venerated counseling and educational career to helping people heal from grief. While he currently serves as Research Professor of Christian Education at the Talbot School of Theology, his work stems back to the 1960s. He has created more than 90 resources: books, DVD courses, sharable information cards, and curricula. The breadth of his professional expertise encompasses materials for marriage, pre-marriage and devotionals (including six with a dog theme and two for fishermen.). However, Dr. Wright is best known for his work helping people overcome trauma and grief.

His book, Experiencing Grief, has sold close to 400,000 copies and is continually in print. “Most people in our culture are not trained how to handle loss or grief. They think they are going crazy. This book helps them learn how to normalize the loss,” he said. Grief caused by trauma and loss can devastate marriages. The loss of a child is particularly stressful.

While his marriage was able to weather the storm, Dr. Wright knows firsthand the pain a parent feels upon the death of a child. His disabled son died at age 22, and more recently, he also lost his adult daughter.

“Parents who have lost a child carry a shadow grief. Anything can pop up and ambush you.”

Dr. Wright remembers feeling overwhelmed by sadness as he watched a television special about the Special Olympics games, which reminded him of when his son, Matthew, participated. Even though he lost him 32 years ago, the pain was still there. “Be sensitive. Don’t try to fix them. They are going to have that happen over and over. I don’t apologize for my tears.”

Dr. Wright recommends people read and keep a copy of Experiencing Grief to share with others dealing with loss, drawing from the wisdom and helpful words to offer comfort and hope.

“Sometimes people struggle with knowing what to say,” he said. “Part of the problem goes back to the fact we live in a culture that doesn’t prepare us for loss or grief.” Equipping people with resources has been a hallmark of Dr. Wright’s professional career. He was inspired by a lecture he heard once that posed the question, “Who is the spiritual leader on your block?” “I decided to take up that challenge,” Dr. Wright said, “and be aware of losses in my neighborhood and ready when I see people crumbling. I just give them a book and say, ‘Here’s a resource that might help. Read it when you are ready.’

“Can you imagine what would happen if every person would take that information and apply it to their lives?” he pondered.

Dr. Wright has co-authored a sequel to Experiencing Grief with Bryn Edwards. Titled, Restarting the World, this book helps readers “process the emotional toll of the (COVID) shut-down and provides practical tips, tools and exercises to not only re-enter the world stronger, but be better prepared to handle the unexpected.

“Our world has been turned upside down,” he said. The book takes the collective experience, explains its effect and helps people deal with their emotions to be able to move forward.

“Individuals don’t like change. We like to be in charge,” Dr. Wright said. So many people (during the pandemic) got up in the morning and wondered what to do with themselves. Even the family dog has been impacted as people are now going back to work. Restarting the World talks about how to move back into life again, even though it is different. Change is not all bad. I recommend people make a list of the benefits they’ve experienced as they’ve gone through this difficult time.”

One benefit he’s seen: couples have had more time together to relate to each other. Another aspect of his career are Christian marriage enrichment seminars based on his book Communication Keys to Your Marriage that’s sold three-quarters of a million copies in the past 40 years. Dr. Wright created a corresponding 11-session curriculum that has proven beneficial in strengthening and enriching marriages. The material includes sessions on communication, listening, gender differences, learning styles, personality types and marital conflict, which can be offered in a weekend seminar or a series of small group settings.

One strategy offers insight for couples with different communication styles. “Let’s take a typical couple. One is extroverted, the other introverted,” Dr. Wright said. “The extrovert talks first and thinks later. The introvert has to think first. The best way you can minister to an introvert is to say, ‘Here’s something I’d like you to think about, when you’ve thought about it, let me know.’ A little simple thing like that reduces tension and clears up conflict. What a difference that makes!

“There’s nothing wrong in being an introvert or an extrovert. Learn to accept yourself and the other person and to speak each other’s language.”

Dr. Wright began his career working at a church in Christian Education in Compton, California, after completing his degree at Fuller Seminary. The fine print was inheriting the youth ministry, he said, where he wrangled 150 teenagers for close to a decade, material he drew upon for his book, Loving Your Rebellious Child. He joined the faculty of Biola University in 1968, where he created a number of new programs.

“I’d see a need, and I’d say, ‘We can fix this.’ I tried to pioneer and produce materials nobody had tried to tackle before. I like the challenge of doing something different.”

Dr. Wright worked with Steve Grissom to pioneer the GriefShare program, which has been offered at more than 18,000 churches across the country for 25 years. “If you’ve been impacted by loss, GriefShare is a must,” he said. “It changes lives. It normalizes what people are going through. They can reach out and connect with others and realize their feelings are normal.”

Dr. Wright says the basic question he asks people is, “What is the loss in your life you have never grieved over?”

“It is really important. Once people identify what it is, then I can help them learn how to deal with it.” Over the years, Dr. Wright has helped people process some of the major issues impacting our culture. Right now, his resources on suicide prevention are front and center on his webpage, HnormanWright.com. 

“The suicide rate is higher now because of what we have been going through,” he said. “We encourage everyone, and especially pastors and counselors, to know the signs.” Dr. Wright would like to see one of his laminated forms of signals to watch for in every household to combat the current uptick in adolescent suicide, which are particularly damaging to families.

The grief of losing a child “takes much longer (to heal) than you ever anticipated,” he said. “We don’t talk about it in terms of days and weeks, we talk about it in months and years.”

Grief and trauma unfortunately take a toll on marriages, and sometimes, divorce is the result. Dr. Wright and Grissom also collaborated on a DivorceCare curriculum for those in that circumstance.

“No matter the details, divorce is not a one cut injury. It is a dark journey that a person travels —but does not have to travel alone,” his website describes. “This book is written for the person who is in the wake of despair divorce leaves and will help those in the difficult process of grief, and allow them to see the end of the journey where God can grant peace and a seasoned, more mature faith.”

The overarching message of Dr. Wright’s work, “Even in the midst of chaos, we can still find hope and find peace.”

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit,” (Romans 15:13, CSB).