Supporting the Church | Raising up Marriage Champions with Lorrie Gramer

“Till death do us part.” Catholics have traditionally taken their marital vows seriously. Considering marriage a sacred, holy sacrament, the Catholic Church is known to discourage divorce. But has the church invested in helping couples strengthen their marriages? Marriage champions Lorrie Gramer and her husband, Don, were early advocates of marriage building since the Marriage Encounter they attended on their second wedding anniversary in 1974 proved transformational. In the past 40 years, they have helped more than 25,000 couples prepare for marriage through the Diocese of Rockford, Ill, where they served as Diocesan Family Life Directors for 30 years, including 22 years as Directors of Bishop Lane Retreat Center and seven years as Directors of the Office of Family, Youth and Young Adults.

On that Marriage Encounter weekend, the Gramers learned skills and caught vision that they could do something not only in their own marriage but in a more concerted way to help others. Don was an Army helicopter pilot just back from Vietnam when they started volunteering in their parish (and began raising their seven children). Eventually they felt called by God to make ministry their full-time vocation. They obtained additional training — Lorrie, a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Ministry and more recently a certificate in Pastoral Counseling. Don, a Master’s in Adult Christian Community Development with emphasis in Family Ministry. Their skills helped them develop the pastoral strategy to foster a Marriage Building Parish for the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers – elements that include establishing teams, training leaders and creating effective ministerial responses and strategies.

The 2013 US Bishops Pastoral Initiative for Marriage inspired them to think more broadly. The Gramers took their then-35 years of parish, diocesan and national leadership experience and founded MarriageBuilding/ConstruyendoMatrimonios USA (MBUSA) to focus more specifically on promoting marriage-building efforts within the Church. According to their website, “MBUSA seeks to revolutionize how a parish addresses and meets the spiritual and relational needs of marriages and families.” The Gramers brought Lucia and Ricardo Luzondo alongside them as directors of multicultural outreach to ensure all MBUSA’s resources seamlessly translate for the Spanish-language audience.

“We want to engage couples and mobilize parishes,” Lorrie said, “by empowering them with a sense of mission that continues to form and support marriages and families long beyond any single event.”

Their work with MBUSA has led the Gramers to travel the country “as marriage missionaries to change the paradigm of how we minister to marriages throughout the life cycle.”

One of the first obstacles to overcome when seeking to minister to marriages: misperception. Too often the church has not been thought of as a place to get marital help, Lorrie said. And perhaps the advice given by some in the last century had been less than helpful. Both the Gramers were affected by their parents’ divorces. Lorrie, particularly, felt at a crossroads, “I either needed to change churches or get in there and make a difference so people like our parents can get help,” she said. “The hurts of childhood play out into our own relationships to our own demise. Hurt people hurt people.

“We have a vision of how God is doing something that does make a difference in marriages. I can tell many stories of people with mended relationships who are now leading marriage ministries.”

Couples tend to think of marriage programming as an admission their marriage is in trouble. One pastor told Lorrie, “By the time a couple comes to see me, the whole house is on fire. Can we get them to come in when it’s just a pan fire on the stove?” We need to learn a new paradigm, she added. MBUSA works to change the messaging, instead suggesting, “Your marriage is in trouble if you are not showing up to a marriage event.”

MBUSA works to shift the way people value their marriage – even by placing simple banners in church halls. One of Lorrie’s favorites includes the phrase, “The greatest thing I can do for my spouse is to pray for them.” Another depicts an elderly couple dancing with a positive phrase highlighting the beauty of a long-lived relationship.

Banners are just one small element of MBUSA’s comprehensive strategy and resources to help parishes equip marriages starting out, strengthen with marriage care and respond to couples in crisis.

“If they don’t have the resources, if there’s not something they can participate in … shame on us as a church. This work is incredibly important. The future of our church depends on what’s going on in marriages and families today. They need a comprehensive program,” Lorrie said. Accordingly, MBUSA’s resources provide training and a support system – even down to the details.

A key element that appeals to pastors, MBUSA’s programs don’t require herculean effort to fit in their already crowded schedule. Leaders are able to incorporate their people into an already well planned and tested initiative.

“Marriage is God’s first institution,” Lorrie said. “The Bishops are taking notice and getting behind this. We’re hoping it will perpetuate to taking care of marriage in and through the church.”

A few years back, Lorrie found herself praying for direction in the courtyard outside San Fernando Cathedral in San Antonio. She felt the presence of someone next to her. It was Archbishop Gustavo Garcia-Siller, who asked if he could pray with her. He prayed that God would hear and answer her prayers and give her guidance and direction, even to the details of her specific role. Her prayer was for the renewal of marriages in the Archdiocese.

“God has a mighty work to do for marriage and family. He will raise up the leaders. It will happen one couple at a time. We can serve our Lord by enriching and strengthening and serving marriage,” Lorrie added.

One of Lorrie’s roles through MBUSA is helping dioceses access grant money to put marriage education in place. So far, seven dioceses around the country have taken advantage of matching funds through the Catholic Marriage Initiatives Fund. Once underwriting has been obtained, MBUSA can help implement programs and ministries. Often, they’ll start with a Marriage-Building Parish Fair, which provides an event to kick off discussion and raise awareness of marriage resources. The event includes kids’ activities, giveaways, information and highlights both existing marriage programs and those upcoming.

Most Catholic and many protestant churches do offer premarital training – in fact couples can’t get married in a Catholic Church without it. MBUSA builds upon that good beginning to reach the young marrieds with a new ministry titled, Brick by Brick, coming Fall 2022. Lorrie suggests churches implement the material into a fun, monthly gathering to teach faith building and life skills. A key element includes a take-home couples’ prayer starter to encourage the practice of intentionally praying together. These practices have already been implemented in some of MBUSA’s Couples’ Prayer series.

Not every program is tailored for the young. Divorce in later years is a growing trend. It’s being called Grey Divorce. Retirement can bring new challenges to a relationship. “I married you for life, but not for lunch,” Lorrie joked. MBUSA’s This Old Spouse targets those over fifty and is billed as a fun day of renewal.

“We all know we’re older,” Lorrie said. “How do we want to spend the time God’s going to give us as we move ahead?” The curriculum includes coaching skills like communication using a needs assessment tool. “Most couples don’t understand what their needs are, where they came from and what it looks like when they do or don’t get met,” Lorrie said. The Needs Assessment helps each spouse identify and compare their top three needs.

One couple who attended a recent event in Wichita, Kansas, had been married 65 years. The wife told Lorrie that her husband shared some things with her that she’d never heard him say before. Lorrie noted many wives are surprised to find out just how much their husbands need their words of affirmation, especially if those words were lacking in the relationship between their husbands and their fathers. Many wives think their husbands are “just wanting them to tell them how wonderful they are all the time, not realizing the self-doubt they harbor. It is incredibly helpful if he can write his need down and share that with his wife,” Lorrie said.

Another offering, Marriage Care, fulfills Pope Francis’ urgent call for those in the church to care for marriages in crisis. Marriage Care trains those Lorrie calls Marriage Angels to look out for couples who need immediate marital help. A short training prepares these marriage first responders to talk to couples, pray with them, use some guided skills and resources, then refer them to the resources that will help get their marriage back on track.

Lorrie compares their role to a military field hospital. Marriage Angels set up on the edge of battle, stop the bleeding, triage and send couples on for further care.

“The greatest thing I can do for my spouse is to pray for them.”

PATHWAYS™ is another new strategy to reach couples who may be attending, or are in families who do, but who have not been married in the Catholic Church for some reason. Perhaps they have been living together or have had a previous marriage. PATHWAYS™ encourages these couples to explore what it would take for them to be able to have a sacramental marriage.

“God wants our marriages to be holy through and through,” Lorrie said. “There’s a process to help make that happen. The rules have changed, and a declaration of nullity of a previous marriage is no longer costly and time consuming. PATHWAYS™  is a wonderful opportunity for healing.” She remembers a couple who had been married in a civil ceremony 32-years ago. “They had their marriage convalidated during a mass. It was so beautifully healing. The wife told her, ‘Now I feel I can die in peace.’”

Not only does PATHWAYS™ provide a wonderful opportunity for restoration, it serves as a tool for evangelization. “We frame it as a pathway,” Lorrie said. “How do we take this need and turn it into something very meaningful. They can hear what God wants for them in their marriage.”