Stepfamily Support | Healthy Blended Families

Blended families – they’re an overlooked group hiding in plain sight in your congregation. The silent demographic is more common than you think. It is likely your church and community include a significant number of families with at least one stepparent or child relationship.

62% of couples 55 or younger have at least one close connection to a step-relationship, according to a 2017 study cited by smartstepfamilies.com. At least one of the two partners has a stepparent or stepchild. Collectively, 35% of people in the United State are involved in a close step-relationship. “That’s more than 113 million people!” said licensed family counselor Ron Deal, Director of FamilyLife Blended® for FamilyLife® and founder of Smart Stepfamilies™.

“If 113 million people went blind today, I guarantee the church would find a way to get them audio Bibles tomorrow. Yet fewer than 1% of churches do anything to minister to those in a complex family environment,” he added.

“The non-traditional family is the new traditional family. Those of us in ministry have to see that, wake up, and ask different questions about how we approach ministry that addresses that demographic. The need is bigger than you think. We still live in the church and in ministry as if we are functioning in the 1950s.”

Ron has become a leading voice for blended families worldwide. He founded Smart Stepfamilies™ in 2002 and merged the effort with FamilyLife® to create FamilyLife Blended® in 2012.

“We’re the largest blended family ministry in the world.” Ron said. “We have produced more practical resources for church leaders and couples in the last three years than the entire Christian community did in the previous 30. We’re trying to push the information out as quickly as we can, but there’s still so much that needs to be done,” he said.

Although not personally part of a blended family himself, Ron developed a heart for the non-traditional family as a youth pastor in the 1980s.

“If I help families, I am helping the next generation capture faith and walk with the Lord,” he said. As he ministered to families in all types of situations, the Lord showed him the great need for stepfamily ministry. His work writing and speaking on the topic continued to grow until it eclipsed his church “day job” and became Smart Stepfamilies™ on its own.

The mission: help people heal and create a family that is loving, and harmonious, with peaceful relationships.

“For many people a healthy marriage and a blended family are a second chance on life.” He recognizes there’s a bit of a journey to get there. “We help them through the hiccups of transition and get to peace sooner rather than later,” he said.

Ron noted that research has shown living in a healthy blended family helps negate some of the emotional and psychological effects of a parents’ divorce. “Blended families can be redemptive if they are done well,” he said. “If they are not done well, they inadvertently add pain to an already painful circumstance for adults and children.”

“If I help families, I am helping the next generation capture faith and walk with the Lord”

—Ron Deal

Blended families are here to stay.

“I say to church leaders, ‘Look around. This is the norm.’ Jesus was always about the people who are the outsiders. We’ve lost touch with who is out there in the world.”

He believes, “typical marriage education programs and ministries are not sufficient for couples in stepfamilies. Since marriage in a stepfamily is a ‘package deal’ you must minister to both the couple and ‘the package.’ This means addressing dynamics related to ex-spouses and co-parenting, loss, stepparenting, spiritual shame, finances, and the expectations of both children and adults–just to name a few. To do anything less is grossly inadequate to prevent divorce,” from his website.

“In the last 10 years, we’ve created multiple resources addressing a variety of topics in a delivery that works best for people,” Ron said.

FamilyLife Blended® has created resources appealing to any learning preference. For those who like to read, Ron’s published 15 books in the Smart Stepfamily series, including authoring nine himself or in partnership with thought-leaders like Gary Chapman. His original title, The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, has sold more than more than 125,000 copies. The website, FamilyLife.com/blended, offers free tip sheets of best practices and simple takeaways on topics such as Ministering to Students, First Year Stepfamily, Leadership and the Stepfamily, and Help.

Others might enjoy spending commute time with a selection from FamilyLife Blended®’s library of free podcasts. For visual learners, the website provides livestreams and video series, like the 8-session Smart Stepfamily, that can be accessed alone or in a group. Ron suggests gregarious types turn the recordings into small group lessons or take one of two on-line courses, including their new Certificate in Blended Family Ministry that equips pastors and leaders to start or grow a stepfamily ministry in their church.

FamilyLife Blended® hopes churches as well as individuals will find the materials promoting second family stability and health helpful. They address topics across every aspect of blended family dynamics, beginning with dating as a single parent, to how to blend a family, to bonding as a blended family, as well as specialty topics like finances and directed suggestions for stepmoms and stepdads individually.

Bonding as a New Family

Building Love Together is the book Ron wrote with Gary Chapman,

best known for his Five Love Languages. Building Love Together teaches: about the unique dynamics of stepfamilies, how to overcome fear and trust issues in marriage, how to develop healthy parenting and step-parenting practices, and how the love languages should–and should not–be applied.

Single Parents Starting to Date

As someone begins to consider dating in the aftermath of divorce or a spouse’s death, FamilyLife Blended®’s Dating and the Single Parent guides them to avoid pitfalls on the journey. Ron helps parents consider their children’s feelings, as well as how and when to introduce them to a dating partner. As marriage becomes a consideration, he suggests taking a hard look at warning signs, the “red lights people skip over if they are only looking at a person.” He reminds single parents to look at their “us” as a couple and as a family. “If the person has an ‘ex-spouse from hell,’ you will marry that person and everything that ex brings into your life, which will ripple stress into your home.”

“These are things we hear over and over again after they are married. We are not trying to scare you out of getting married. We just want you to go into it with your eyes open, develop strategies and ideas to cope and make better choices about a threat. You will pay a price for naiveté,” Ron said.

He recommends couples read the book and talk to married peers. “Go sit in on their blended family marriage ministry. Listen to the lessons they learned the hard way. The exposure to the realities of stepfamily living will teach you better questions to ask yourself and help you make better decisions,” he added.

Once the decision to marry has been made, follow up with FamilyLife Blended®’s newest resource, Preparing to Blend, born out of the dearth of pre-marital resources applicable to couples planning second marriages.

“It turns out that pre-blended family couples receive less preparation (if any at all) than couples marrying for the first time. And when they do get premarital counseling, it tends to be the same as what first marriage couples receive. This creates a gap in preparation for step couples and leaves them vulnerable and unprepared for stepfamily living,” from the website.

Before the I Do

Preparing to Blend helps couples work through money issues, plan for secure futures, and factor in their kids. “This is a radical idea in pre-marital counseling,” Ron said. “This has to be about helping them and their children.” He reminds couples that this marriage occurs in “the middle of your family story, not the beginning. There are chapters preceding the one you are about to write. You need to take into consideration the back narrative and how it is included in this.”

As he created content for Preparing to Blend, a trusted mentor advised Ron to make sure to include permission to grieve the loss of a first family.

“Be mindful of the kids’ grief,” he said. “They are excited and sad at the same time. Most of the time, they like the person their parent has fallen in love with, but a remarriage means more change they didn’t ask for. It’s confusing for kids when it feels like somebody is always moving away. It’s loss on top of loss.” Ron describes a gap between the emotions of the parents and the children.

“The adults are excited, looking forward to the wedding and new life together, only to realize their kids are not. Adults either come down and help their kids or get mad at them because they are not helping them fulfill their life’s dreams. When that moment comes, the gap just gets wider.

“Parents need to be the adults and talk about what they can do to minister to their kids in this whole transition and not just run over them. Often parents and stepparents have the best intentions, but they inadvertently miss the kids. Parents need to learn how to become aware and navigate the journey well,” he said.

He warns against trying to erase and replace a parent. “Give your stepchildren the gift of blessing their relationship with the other parent. Now the kids see you as respectable and honorable. I help people understand that so they can have a smoother transition.”

Ron uses an analogy of an ocean to explain subtle nuances that affect a blended family. Stepfamilies “swim in a different ocean” than those in a first marriage. The environment is not just about the couple, it encompasses everything going on around them, with different undercurrents.

“Whatever the story, there’s a parent not in the picture,” Ron said. “Grief comes with you and impacts what’s going on.” Grief affects a child’s openness to the stepparent and siblings. They may feel disloyal to the other parent. The temperature of the water is a little cooler. Trust is easier to accomplish in a first marriage, Ron said, as he cautions people to “watch that part of your heart that’s guarded and cautious.”  “Sharks” of stress and conflict can bite. An ex-spouse situation may cause a lot of stress or money issues.

Understand the undercurrents and the sharks and learn how to avoid them to err on the side of protecting your marriage relationship, he encouraged. “Our goal is helping you get smart about blended family living.”

One of the most important ideas Ron wants to get across about blended families: The integration process takes a lot of time, “five to seven years, according to research,” he said “If your expectation is that in six months the stepkids will call you dad, you will be setting yourself and them up for a whole lot of disappointment. Recognize it takes time, lower your expectations, be patient.

“You cook a stepfamily in a crock pot,” he said. “No matter how hard you try, you cannot make your crock pot become an instant pot. If you try to add high heat and pressure, it will blow up. Use low heat, and give the ingredients time to warm up, soften and combine.” Ron extends the cooking analogy further into this year’s theme of Blended & Blessed. The one-day livestream event has reached more than 27,000 people from 22 countries in the past six years. The event includes speakers, worship, encouragement and practical help and will be translated simultaneously in Spanish.

This year’s the Good Blend applies the analogy of a chef cooking a gourmet meal to the art of blending families.

“Explore the beauty, challenge, and art of ‘cooking’ your stepfamily and creating a culinary masterpiece,” from the website.

Couples might watch on their screen of choice in the comfort of their own home, but churches are encouraged to gather groups and invite members of the surrounding community as an outreach. Churches find hosting Blended & Blessed an easy on-ramp to address the needs of blended families.

“It may be the first time many couples have ever sat down with another blended family couple. They may have felt afraid of judgment or a little embarrassed,” Ron said. They won’t naturally gravitate to each other on their own. But get them in a room together, “It’s so amazing how quickly they connect. They are like long-lost friends they’ve never met.” Blended & Blessed participants report it’s an amazing moment when they feel they are not alone for the challenges.  Because the event is also taped, churches can watch it later and break portions into a small group series.

“Churches have flexibility to make Blended & Blessed become what they need it to be,” he said. “We have the content, the expertise and the message delivery we know churches normally don’t have.” Real-time Spanish translation grew out of the growing demand in Spanish-speaking communities worldwide.

“There is an increasing outcry among Spanish-speaking people for resources related to reconstituted families in the last five years. People are starting to ask new questions and looking for new things,” Ron said.  FamilyLife Blended®’s video Smart Stepfamily series is also available with Spanish subtitles, with more Spanish-language resources in the works.

Churches report that Blended & Blessed gives them the ability to minister to blended families. Once they’ve gotten them together, they see the need to have a local ministry that supports families over time.

FamilyLife Blended® builds upon the desire of churches and leaders to serve stepfamilies in a 2-day training event called the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry that “brings together well-known ministries, experts, counselors, pastors, worship leaders, and lay leaders to network, share best practices, and call the church to prevent redivorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and break the generational cycle of divorce,” according to the website.

For the past 10 years, the Summit has offered beginner workshops for people just starting to learn about stepfamily ministry, as well as new areas of emphasis for those who want to go deeper.

One aspect is helping those in the church understand how the stepfamily package integrates with other aspects of church ministry, whether kids, students, marriage or women’s ministry. Content helps leaders see how they can incorporate a blended family ministry within the texture of their church, rather than being a separate entity.

Ron encourages churches to be mindful of how a stepfamily situation affects children and can inadvertently set people up to be discouraged. For example, some Sunday school curriculums build on previous content. Children feel out of place if they miss and don’t know what’s going on. Others offer prizes for perfect attendance.

“Most children today can’t be at church every Sunday even if they wanted to,” Ron said. “Children who move between two houses are immediately disqualified. What’s the message? ‘Your family doesn’t measure up.’ Then kids don’t want to come back.”

Another target: military stepfamilies, with their complement of unique stressors. The percentage of blended families in the military is higher than in the civilian population. The Summit offers a workshop for chaplains to help them understand the challenges of custody arrangements, multiple moves and deployment.

“Military structure can really hamper co-parent relationships. Someone loses all the way around,” Ron said. “We have a great ministry opportunity to be able to step in with some intelligence and speak into those hard moments. If local church leaders don’t have any awareness of what’s at stake, we become irrelevant.”

FamilyLife Blended® under Ron’s direction strives to provide gold-standard resources to help stepfamilies in any stage and from every perspective thrive and prevent redivorce. Whether the individual is dating or married with stepchildren, a stepmom or stepfather, a stepgrandparent, ministry leader, mentor, relationship coach, or therapist, they can help. Find them at FamilyLife.com/blended. (Learn more about Ron’s live and virtual events at SmartStepfamilies.com.)