It may be the least helpful comment foisted upon parents after the loss of a child. The dire prediction that the stress will be too much for their marriage and they will get a divorce. As terribly inappropriate as this sounds, unfortunately, these sentiments are all too often uttered by friends and family members, adding yet another blow to couples deep in grief. And while discouraging, there is some truth to the statement. Couples who experience the loss of a child are vulnerable, agree Ryan and Kelly Breaux. “For many couples, nothing in their marriage has ever demanded this much of their nervous systems before. They love each other deeply… and yet, without support, they can find themselves drowning side by side – grieving the same child, carrying the same sorrow, but surviving it very differently,” Kelly said. The couple created Red Bird Ministries to support others like themselves who have experienced child loss. They “carefully designed a system that anticipates the stages of grief and the challenges that will be encountered with a unique focus on how to keep marriages intact and preserve healthy family relationships after a loss.”

Red Bird Ministries walks with families “through the heartbreak of child loss – including miscarriage, stillbirth, and the death of an infant, child, adolescent, or adult. As bereaved parents ourselves, we understand this pain intimately and recognize how deeply it affects every member of the family. Through every season of sorrow and healing, we remain a faithful companion. Our mission is to offer you the hope, support, and spiritual care you need to move forward with grace,” from the website.

The Breaux chose the name Red Bird for their ministry after the song, “The Red Bird Flies,” written by musical group Sweet Cecilia in memory of loved ones who had passed. The song encourages people to remember their departed loved ones when they see the red bird (cardinal) fly, (https://sweetceciliagirls.com/) and so became a meaningful namesake for their ministry.

Kelly and Ryan married in 2002 and were delighted to be pregnant with twins in 2005. A placental abruption necessitated the babies’ emergency delivery at just 28 weeks. Their son, Talon, contracted Sepsis in the hospital and died two weeks later. The couple went through the motions of a funeral and burial in a daze, all while caring for their daughter, Emma Grace, who was battling for her life in the NICU. After surviving emergency surgery, Emma finally came home six months later – but on oxygen and multiple medicines. Kelly was just 25 years old. Left home alone while Ryan worked to keep the family financially afloat, the couple didn’t have time to grieve. “My job was keeping Emma alive and healthy,” Kelly said. Ryan received support from the people he interacted with at work, but Kelly was home alone, isolating and experiencing anxiety. Even worse, their parish, while helpful during the funeral preparations, offered no bereavement care or follow up. This is the reality for most families, Kelly explained, who never hear from their parish again after the loss of a child.

As for so many couples processing grief, destructive patterns began to develop. Kelly felt angry with God. Returning to the church where the funeral had been held gave her flashbacks. The couple didn’t share emotions or let each other into their grief – they each carried their cross separately and found it difficult to offer the other comfort or sympathy.

Inability to communicate can be a real danger to a marriage. Men and women grieve differently. “I wanted him to understand how I felt, but he didn’t understand,” Kelly said. Acute grief lasts up to two years, but the marriage breakdown typically happens between years three and five, they said, because prayer life and communication have been shaped by the bereavement experience. And friends and family members often move on and offer little support. Kelly describes it as death by one thousand cuts. “Your marriage slowly begins slipping through the cracks of your fingers, and you have no idea what to do or how to get the help your whole family needs.”

Bereaving parents should have helpers, the Breauxs stressed. A mentor or friend who hasn’t experienced a loss won’t understand certain parts of a parent’s grief. But they can stand in the gap and refer to Red Bird Ministries.

“The greatest act of charity for someone who is grieving is introducing them to someone else who is grieving,” Kelly said. “Take the initiative to make the warm handoff.” Many families will not be able to research and find the support they need, but a friend or a loved one can.

In 2009 the Breauxs welcomed Estelle Gabriella to their family but were still juggling Emma’s medical issues. Their toddler contracted H1N1 just prior to a needed surgery and died one month shy of her fourth birthday. The unthinkable had happened, again. And, as before, Kelly and Ryan felt alone and abandoned in their grief.

For seven years the Breauxs’ marriage was on the rocks as they struggled with the pain, they said. Their emotions would come out mostly when they would drink, but that would lead to fights. They realize now that their brief pre-Cana session had ill-prepared them for how to communicate when the going got tough. And with two babies lost, the going had gotten very tough. The Breauxs subsequently suffered two more miscarriages over the next ten years. They count four children in heaven, with now 17-year-old Estelle their only child remaining on earth.

Kelly still couldn’t bear to attend Mass. In his worry for her, Ryan passively didn’t take the lead. This is important, Kelly said, because many men don’t assume the role of leadership for their family. If he would have insisted, Kelly said she might have been mad, but she would have gone. “I loved him and wanted to be with him. I was angry at God, not him. My anger overflowed to everyone, and that’s what caused him to walk on eggshells.”

They did enroll Estelle in the parish preschool, and Estelle begged Kelly to come to Thursday services with her like the other moms. Finally, Kelly ran out of excuses and returned to church, but she still found it difficult to connect with others her own age.

“I had lost three children by this time, and I never felt like I belonged anywhere,” Kelly said. “I couldn’t operate on the surface level. My soul was longing for deeper conversations.”

Through pre-school Kelly met another mom who also had experienced the loss of a daughter. That friend had turned to God in her grief and went to the church’s Cursillo retreat.

“I saw something different in her,” Kelly said. The friend agreed to sponsor Kelly as she first made her confirmation and then her Cursillo, and “that’s when everything changed,” Kelly said. “Before, I didn’t have a relationship with God. I did not have the grace or ability to process what had happened. I was living in fear and hypervigilance.” After the Cursillo, Kelly’s anxiety and depression dissipated. Ryan said it was like she was a different person. “She was glowing!”

Ryan realized he also needed to reconnect with God. He had been praying alone, keeping his head down to provide for the family, but he sought fellowship among the men of their parish. He was convinced to attend a conference where a priest asked if he and Kelly would be willing to talk with other families who had experienced child loss. That conversation planted the seed that would become Red Bird Ministries. Ryan subsequently also made his Cursillo, and the Breauxs saw their marriage blossom. Cursillo brought them closer to God both individually and together. And God kept bringing people to them who had lost children.

“We could no longer ignore what God was asking us to share,” Kelly said. “This was an unmet need.” Ironically, the town of Breaux Bridge where Ryan and Kelly live, was founded by Ryan’s family. His several great-grandparents built the bridge across the bayou that connected people to crops and church – making a way for both physical and spiritual food – hence the name Breaux Bridge. Five generations later, Ryan and Kelly have made a figurative bridge to needed sustenance for grieving couples through Red Bird Ministries.

It could be a double whammy to first lose a child then a marriage. “We knew we needed to talk about what happened, but where do you start? We had to learn how to communicate and have compassion for each other once we could tell each other how we felt,” Kelly said. “The grief is not going to stop.”

“The church is a treasure chest,” Ryan said, “but in grief you can’t see it.”

The Breauxs began providing grief support for parents of loss through their Diocese of Lafayette. Friends Mary Rose and Ryan Verret encouraged them to pray about something bigger than local ministry. Kelly and Ryan had attended a secular grief program, but they felt it missed the mark for Catholic couples, as it didn’t include the Catholic sacraments they found so healing or guide them through a formalized program. They created a Catholic workshop to teach couples to grieve together drawing from their experiences and led the first Loving Through Loss in 2018.

Now their work has been blessed by their Bishop and is spreading to parishes across the country. While they do lead several workshops a year in person, they’ve also trained leaders in 32 Dioceses to follow their template. Loving Through Loss includes easy-to-use videos and a selection of couple testimonies.

Attendees are matched with a peer leader who has experienced a similar loss. They’ll hear the testimonies of others about how losing a child impacted their marriage, what they learned and how they coped. Each workshop includes time in a small group with others whose child was approximately the same age. They also will receive Catholic spiritual direction with clergy and lay spiritual directors, who offer confession and Mass and include the sacraments. “We communicate the treasures of the church to help other parents open their minds to what’s said in the funeral liturgy. Life has not ended, it’s changed,” Ryan said. Couples also spend a session with a therapist to help identify stumbling blocks. The Breauxs are careful to choose appropriate therapists – Catholics who are faithful to the magisterium.

People often don’t go to counseling because they can’t afford it, they said. Most Catholic therapists are cash pay only, and when you lose a child, the whole family is impacted and can find themselves needing therapy. “The people we invite for spiritual direction and counseling have worked with families or have experienced loss themselves,” Ryan said.

Those interested can go to the website at https://www.redbird.love/and complete a brief form. The Director of Family Support will reach out to schedule a one-to-one call to assess needs. The trauma certified counselor even asks how couples prefer to communicate – by phone, email, text or mail.

“Meeting people who are in the same situation and suffering brings a lot of comfort. They know they are not alone,” Kelly said. Similarly, blogs and podcasts found on the website offer a way to connect with others through their stories.

“Reading stories or reflections in grief always helps our families to find comfort and see the heart of someone wrestling with grief,” as described on the site. It’s Not for Nothing podcast untangles the mess of grief, faith, trauma, and hope after the death of a child. “If you, too, are grieving a child, we want to provide a safe place for you to come just as you are.” Free downloadables help people process, share or send to someone going through this difficult time. “Both grievers and support members will find that educating themselves about the latest information on grief and the grief process will result in more compassion, empathy, and support,” the website explains. Titles include Overcoming Grief Related Anxiety, Quotes to Share with Someone who is Grieving the Loss of a Loved One, Understanding Grief and Depression, Grief Reflection Questions, Lessons in Loss, What is Normal After Your Child Dies, and A Prayer Plan for Sadness in Grief.

Red Bird Ministries also created an app to connect families experiencing loss with each other and offers real-time resources. Grief can feel isolating, “the Red Bird App offers compassionate, Catholic support for grieving families – right where you are.” Resources include comfort calls, spiritual direction, trauma-informed guidance, peer and professional support, monthly retreats and webinars, sibling care, support after suicide loss, journaling and prayer prompts, and a community that truly understands. Dads meet weekly on Wednesday evenings; moms have their own gatherings. A family support calendar keeps all the events organized.

The webpage also lists several books that address specific needs of men, women and couples. Hiding in the Upper Room shares Kelly’s story of “How the Catholic Sacraments Healed me from the Grief of Child Loss.”

Ryan wrote The Grief of Dads: Support and Hope for Catholic Fathers Navigating Child Loss in partnership with Patrick O’Hearn and Bryan Feger, one a father who’s lost a child, the other a researcher who studies the psychology of men and grief.

“Drawing on the richness of the Catholic faith, they offer stories from the men in the Bible and from male saints who knew the pain of losing a child and yet found hope and healing in God. The authors share their own stories and the experiences of seven other fathers who lean on their faith and seek healing with help from the sacraments, the Bible, fellow Catholics, and the devotional practices of the Church….”

“The Grief of Dads is an important resource to help you know that you are not alone and to work through loss and the upheaval of deep grieving with help from men who have been there, too,” from the description.

They’ve also created a 33-day Couples Guide, Restoring Love for Couples, offering healing and restoration after child loss. It includes a Holy Family consecration and specific prayers from modern-day saints.

“What do we do next? How do we restore love and find healing and restoration in our grief journey as a couple?” … “When we experience difficulties in our life, especially the loss of a child, it’s hard to remember the importance of our vows. Often, when heartache comes, we just want to prevent further pain… It’s a Cross that has to be carried together… We think we can rely on our human strength, and if we think we can, we shall fall short.”

“The three keys to remaining faithful to your vocation are communication, the Cross, and the Sacraments. They will lead you and your spouse toward healing as you journey closer to God in hopes of Heaven,” from the book’s forward.

“When our marriage started to heal, our home life became more peaceful,” Ryan said. “Our home is a sanctuary God helped us build.” If you or a loved one is grieving, find hope through Red Bird Ministries … “a place where your grief is honored and your hope is gently restored.”