You can change the world with your smile, but don’t let the world change your smile…

Change feels uncomfortable. But the old adage that change is inevitable rings true. A child leaves the nest, an elderly parent needs care, a new job brings additional responsibility or relocation, an injury reminds us of our body’s age. As much as we might resist, we’ll wake up one morning to a new normal.

How you navigate change with your spouse will impact your relationship either positively or negatively. Helping couples transition well together has been a primary focus for speakers and authors Sean and Lanette Reed. They share lessons hard learned on their journey growing from teen sweethearts and young parents, through job loss, moves, until finally finding their sweet spot leading a thriving ministry inspiring couples that they, too, can overcome life’s challenges and enjoy a fulfilling marriage and life.

The couple married and started their family at the tender age of 18. They were involved in the music industry and led worship and served on church staff while raising three young children and earning their bachelor’s degrees in Theology. Sean was being groomed for an associate pastor position at a Dallas church in 2001 when the head pastor asked him to use the Celebrate Recovery model to kick off a small group initiative. As Sean started going through the process preparing to lead, he found the content and approach healing his own heart. “It began to reshape our marriage,” he said, which at the time was close to collapse. “I tended to argue with Lanette on every point rather than embrace her perspective.” The program provided a gateway for “serious heart transformation and inner freedom.”

Soon after, the Reeds started their own house church ministering to singles, who then started getting married and dealing with the same struggles Lanette and Sean had faced — dysfunctional communication, stonewalling, defensiveness. The Reeds created their own workshop that Sean described as raw, transparent and practical to inspire hope and create shared values and vision for marriage. They continued to lead workshops at churches, with people coming from across the DFW metroplex. Content grew into their first book, Not Just Roommates, published in 2012, and they were speakers for XO ministries until the Fall of 2023.

Sean and Lanette continue to speak at church and marriage events including those sponsored by Spark Lakewood Marriage and Focus on the Family and founded non-profit LegacyMakers International dedicated to building healthy leaders who leave legacies,

The Reeds realized as they juggled responsibilities through life’s ups and downs that they were not prepared for the difficulty of building and repairing empathetically after going through a traumatic experience. Uncontrollable change happens to us all. As Lanette put it, “We weren’t coached on what to do when you have a season of the crazy that hits your home and shatters your normal.”

Sean and Lanette discuss the importance of taking time to seek Biblical wisdom to process the transitions life can bring in their newest book, Marriage in Transition: Creating Connection Through Uncontrollable Change.

When one person is grieving, they are going to react differently, Sean explained. They might isolate, yet continue to want their partner to show up lovingly and meet their needs. “We still expect normal, even though the other person is not in a normal place. They don’t love you less, they are just trying to process where they are,” he said. And if a couple didn’t have healthy rhythms of communication in the first place, a transition can cause a couple that had been coasting to slip into dysfunctional behavior, reacting to the circumstance in ways that are harmful to their spouse.

They came to realize that if they didn’t process and heal, the unresolved trauma would echo its way into their future. “A lot of people are still in process of pain,” Sean said. Next time something looks or feels like what happened in the last season, they are triggered and can revert back to unhealthy patterns of relating, a cycle they recognized in their own lives. Now Sean and Lanette help couples benefit from the lessons they learned about how not just to survive the season but to be healed from its trauma. “Our now trials do not have to exist in our future,” they write.

Every time you change, you reach a new normal. You can no longer operate out of the old normal. They answer questions like: What should life look like right now? How can you live life to the fullest and let change draw you closer rather than apart?

The couple developed a system of how to grow together that includes more consistent, effective communication – how to be honest, own one’s feelings and create healthy patterns. Fall in love with the person your spouse is currently, rather than who he or she used to be, they suggest.

They inspire couples to build vision as a team for where they see themselves in five years and help them map a plan to get there. “What will hold you together is the picture of a future of a hope and an expected end of where you are headed and what you are fighting for,” Sean said. “We determined that our goal was that future generations would see in us what an intimate, Christ-centered love looks like.”

In their book they help couples:

Process the change they are experiencing.

Access the past to recognize the present.

Understand their spouse’s response to change.

Grow closer through conflict.

Create a mutual plan of action.

Anticipate a healthy future for lasting legacy.

In addition to their books, the couple offers webinars, podcasts, life and marital coaching. They respond directly and personally to inquiries through their website or social media. As certified mediators, Lanette and Sean are trained to work with couples one-on-one, in-person or virtually.

“We jump right in there with the couple and feel whatever they are going through with them,” Sean said. “We give them a safe space to be very transparent while we remain neutral. We help them uproot problems and unhealthy beliefs. The tips and tools aren’t going to do any good if they are building on a lie. If you believe the person you are talking to is your enemy, that won’t work. We help them dig through the story they are believing and get rid of the negative narrative.”

The Reeds spend two, eight-hour days with couples who commit to a marriage or pre-marriage intensive. “So many couples have been in survival mode for so long because of the transitions in their lives. They transitioned and survived, but they didn’t heal. They are walking around with wounds and just trying to make it work. Until they show up with us. We take couples through a process of discovering how each other thinks and communicates so they can actually understand and embrace who their spouse is.”

Once acceptance and appreciation have been reached, the Reeds can walk couples through a four-step process of conflict resolution and communication training that includes relating empathetically to each other. “It is a difficult challenge getting people to understand what empathy is,” Sean admitted. “I don’t have to agree with what you are saying, but I can walk in your shoes and say, ‘I love you,’ and ‘I understand.’ That is one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse – and one of the most difficult things for couples to do. But when they do, it is amazing – when the wall crashes down and they feel seen and known. Once they are connected, they can move forward from a place of compassion rather than negativity. It has been transformative for couples.

“We are 100% there with every couple we coach,” he added. “Every time we get down to achieving breakthroughs, they’ll tell us they wish they would have had this at the beginning of their marriage – it was so much more than they thought they were going to get. Love takes work. But you have to work with the right tools. We are great at equipping people with the right tools.”

Through their work and in their own lives they’ve seen how communication can cause great challenges. Their newest We Need to Talk course came from content from their most popular Webinar and sparked a soon-to-be-released book by the same name. The course introduces couples to their T.A.L.K. method of conflict resolution. Couples learn to:

T: take a time out

A: assess the heart

L: listen and share

K: make a plan to keep it together

The course goes beyond the essentials to apply the principles to complex scenarios and personal challenges via interactive modules, Sean explained.

They hope to inspire couples to have grit, Sean added, acknowledging difficult circumstances, but staying through them because they both are contributing to the partnership of building their home with shared vision and values.

Sean and Lanette are passionate about helping couples build a legacy of generational health. “So often we are in pain in the present and not thinking how our decisions about marriage and parenting affect the future,” he said. “We are working toward something so much more meaningful than a moment of frustration.

“It’s a rush for us to watch another family do what it takes to consistently deposit toward their legacy,” Sean said. “One family at a time can shift the country.”