A sexually confident wife. Does that statement contain an oxymoron? Not according to best-selling author, speaker and life coach Shannon Ethridge, M.A. She believes a healthy sexual relationship between husband and wife is a building block of genuine intimacy and fulfillment in a marriage that enhances their mental, emotional and spiritual connection. Shannon has taught and counseled thousands of young singles and married couples over three decades. She is the author of 22 books, including The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit and four titles in the Every Woman’s Battle series about sexual and emotional integrity. Shannon also is the winner of a Gold Medallion Award for Excellence in Publishing.

Shannon explains why sexuality in marriage is so important, exposes myths and shares ways to overcome common obstacles.

“… issues such as body inhibition, shame or fear from past sexual abuse, guilt over past intimate relationships or lack of knowledge about male and female sexuality often hold women back from discovering unconditional sexual fulfillment. In her book, ‘The Sexually Confident Wife,’ author Shannon Ethridge shares ways to help women stay connected, emotionally and physically, with their husbands,” as published in a 2008 excerpt from the Today Show Books column. Shannon’s books have sold more than a million copies and have been translated into 30 different languages.

The purpose of sexuality “is to create a powerful bond between husband and wife that fuels our deepest passions and satisfies our very souls,” she wrote.

“When our husband takes the time to look past the externals of what we look like, to look beyond what we can do for him, and to recognize who we are as a beautiful person created in the image of God, that is when we feel valued and cherished. The same is true in how a wife looks at a husband. He wants you to think he’s eye candy and he wants you to appreciate all that he does for you, but his greatest desire is for you to respect who he is in the core of his being. … When we experience this kind of deep spiritual connection over and over within marriage, it fulfills us in a way that nothing and no one else possibly can,” she explains.

Shannon describes this type of physical/emotional connection as a pair-bond, one of three purposes for which she believes God created the sexual union. Another is procreation – to be fruitful and multiply. Lastly, couples have the ability to give each other pleasure in a realm where no one else is allowed.

“A sexually confident wife not only will be able to maintain a balance between his needs and her needs, but will also recognize how they all work together to create synergy in the relationship,” she wrote. For all of these reasons, it is important not to disregard the priority of intimate fulfillment in marriage.

“Sexual intimacy is the thing that sets our marital relationship apart from any other,” Shannon said. “It lowers blood pressure, warding off depression and anxiety. It’s miraculous and magical. People who miss out are missing so much – all the energy, endorphins, hormones have a ripple effect in so many different directions.” She’s coached wives in their 50s and 60s who’ve been married for decades who unfortunately have never had a fulfilling intimate experience.

“I love working with women to educate them about what their body is capable of,” Shannon said. “The female body is the pinnacle of God’s creation.

“Nothing is more powerful than a vibrant sexual connection,” she continued. “When a couple’s sex life is on track, little things stay little. When it’s not right, every little thing is a burr in the saddle. Sex can be the glue that holds your marriage together. You truly become intimate partners in a process to meet each other’s deepest needs in a way nobody else on the planet can.”

But how do couples achieve that in a culture that has so twisted the beauty of God’s original design? Shannon’s interest in helping others achieve healthy sexuality began with a wakeup call. In the mid-1980s she studied to become a mortician and began learning to embalm bodies. She was startled to realize how many of the dead were young people who succumbed to illnesses with complications due to AIDS or who had committed suicide after an HIV+ diagnosis. She was stricken to realize how her own promiscuous behavior during her teen years could have landed her on that embalming table.

Shannon began speaking bluntly about sexual integrity to teens and young adults and pursued a master’s degree in counseling. Her work caught the eye of Steve Arterburn, who released a series of Every Man’s Battle books beginning in 2001 that addressed men’s struggle with pornography, sexual addiction and objectification of women. Shannon was tapped to speak on the subject to women, which subsequently became her book, Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment, with versions specifically written for young women, singles and wives. 

As she joined the speaking tour, women often approached her to discuss their sexual problems. Shanonn became certified as a life and relationship coach in 2009 and has worked with women and couples for 16 years.

“A lot of the work I do is helping people heal from childhood wounds,” she said. Every Woman’s Battle addresses women who are acting out or struggling with love and relationship addiction. She’s found women might not have actually become physically intimate with another man, but they are falling into emotional affairs. “When they fantasize about another man, let him have access to their hearts, they are rehearsing for the sexual affair they are trying so hard not to have,” she said.

A wife might develop a problem with pornography out of a sense of inadequacy. She may start looking at porn to try to pick up some tricks or tips because her husband seemed so disappointed in her lack of interest or confidence, Shannon reported. “Porn is designed to be addictive.” Or, on the flip side, a wife may find it on her husband’s computer and feels she’s not sexy enough for him because she assumes that’s what he really wants, and she doesn’t feel she could compare or ever measure up.

However, as popular as her Every Woman’s Battle books have been with those struggling with sexual integrity, Shannon’s found a vast majority of women have a different problem. They aren’t acting out or watching inappropriate material, they are struggling to enjoy a fulfilling physical relationship with their husbands.

”I decided I had written enough about sexual integrity,” she said. “Now it was time to talk to the married woman who didn’t have the confidence or the education.”

Shannon explains the role of human hormones and body chemistry in sexual response. Oxytocin is a hormone in the body that contributes not only to feelings of well-being but of bonding. Its presence can stimulate the sexual response, and its absence can work against it.

“If this hormone isn’t being released in your system regularly, you may feel an overwhelming temptation to withdraw emotionally and physically, creating a downward spiral in the relationship,” she wrote in The Sexually Confident Wife.

“If a woman isn’t touched regularly enough outside the bedroom in a nonsexual way, she may find that she is violently opposed to being touched inside the bedroom. A vicious cycle is created, as she is no longer open to the very touch she needs. The remedy for not feeling like you want to touch or be touched by your husband, therefore, is to touch anyway. Go through the actions, and your feelings quickly catch up,” (as oxytocin starts flowing) she wrote, in advice to women who have become uninterested in being intimate with their husbands.

Many mid-life women she speaks with are still struggling with repercussions from being raised in the purity culture. After the sexual revolution, the pendulum swung hard to the right, she explains. The culture emphasized repressing sexual thoughts and feelings. “But if you don’t have sexual thoughts or feelings, you won’t have healthy sex in marriage. Eventually, you’ve turned the dial so far down you can’t hear the music anymore, and you’ll have a very unhappy, dissatisfied marital partner.”

Shannon shared an example of a senior-age couple who were headed for divorce, in part, due to lack of physical intimacy. As a last-ditch effort, they went to marriage therapy and sought sex counseling specifically. The counselor helped the couple realize that one of the barriers to their physical relationship was that the wife believed it was wrong for her to entertain a sexual thought of any kind. “If you don’t have any sexual thoughts, you don’t trigger the pituitary gland to release hormones that would produce sexual interest,” Shannon said. Once the couple stopped “turning down the interest dial,” they found that sexy thoughts of one another reinvigorated their lovemaking and saved their marriage.

Another factor hindering many women’s fulfilling intimate relationship with their husbands is a feeling of inadequacy. “The number one hurdle holding women back in the bedroom is a body image issue,” Shannon believes. Models, television stars, influencers are so airbrushed, people get the idea they are supposed to attain that ideal.

“We are not supposed to look like 17-year-old magazine models – we are supposed to look like us!” Shannon decried. “Women need to get those ideas out of their heads. Most of us look like a woman who has carried children, and we don’t do our marriages or our daughters any favors by assuming we are forever flawed once we reach full adulthood with our cellulite ripples, stretch marks, etc. Shannon suggests that we need to take a lesson from men. We never hear about a man cowering in the corner in a fuzzy robe with his beer belly and bald head bemoaning the thought that his wife can’t possibly find him attractive.

Trauma and abuse can also be an obstacle. Shannon quoted a statistic that states 30-40% of women have been sexually abused by the time they are 18. “A woman will bring that baggage into her marriage, and the fear will keep her from fully engaging with her husband,” Shannon said. But humans are resilient, and healing is possible with the right kind of help.

She works one-on-one and with couples, reminding them that the area of a scar is stronger than the skin around it. The same is true with trauma. If people take proper care of healing their emotional wounds, they don’t have to remain traumatized. “Once we find our own healing, we can do so much to help others,” she said.

Shannon leads Women at the Well four-day intensive workshops near her Springfield, Missouri home to help women process and heal so they can “find a healthy sexual and emotional balance once again.” The retreats are to liberate women who have “experienced any type of sexual, emotional, physical, mental, or verbal abuse … or those who have been betrayed or traumatized in any way.”

Workshop participants will “get real about their life experiences, discern what changes they are ready to make, and learn whole new ways of relating – with God, with men, and with themselves. Many helpful tools, resources, and powerful coaching exercises are designed to help manage negative emotions (such as fear, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, etc.) and addictive patterns of relating (or not relating),” as described on Shannon’s website, where women can find upcoming workshop dates.

“Going deep with coaching clients will always be a joy for me,” Shannon said. She feels she can get to the heart of a situation quickly and accurately. “I have focused my entire career on helping people communicate their hurts and hangups and getting stronger and more confident,” she said. Those interested can schedule a free15-minute consultation at Shannonethridge.com.