Kindness Counts | Bestselling Author Shaunti Feldhahn Suggests Best Practices for Marriages

When tensions are high and stresses mount, you can be tempted to lash out. You might not realize that choosing a kind response will actually make you feel better. That’s the recommendation of bestselling author and social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn, whose books have sold 3 million copies in 26 languages since 1998.

In one of her more recent publications, The Kindness Challenge, Shaunti quotes neuroscience findings from Ohio State University that fly in the face of conventional wisdom. When you’re worried or upset, society tells you to voice your dissatisfaction— whether out loud or via social media. After all, letting off steam helps, right? Actually, no. Research finds venting actually feeds an anger reaction in the brain that floods the body with stress hormones that make you feel worse, not better. Rather than releasing the steam of a kettle, the mis-named venting is analogous to turning up the fire and will trigger a cycle of negativity.

By making a conscious choice to control your reaction, you’ll not only change the world and spread positivity to others, you’ll actually benefit psychologically. Even though you are the one doing the work to be kind, your body will respond physically to the flood of positive, stress reducing hormones. Oxytocin promotes bonding, and nitric acid opens blood vessels, which will produce a feeling of calm and wellbeing. It’s like taking the kettle off the fire so the water simmers down, Shaunti explained. “It is literally astounding how God has wired us so that kindness is the best response for our mental health.”

 “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle,” a quote from Ian MacLaren  inspires her.

“We are all fighting a great battle. It has been a hard year for people with a lot of uncertainty,” she said. “There’s an incredible power unleashed when we decide we will be kind anyway. It changes our hearts. We can navigate in a healthy way and reach our culture. If there’s ever a year we need grace, it is this one.”

Shaunti calls her readers to a higher standard and exhorts them to rely on God’s strength. “Our role is to be that light to people not reacting with their best selves.”

This practice is one of the recommendations for stronger relationships that Shaunti espouses as people deal with the uncertainty and trauma of the pandemic. Her book, The Kindness Challenge has morphed into a movement, with individuals, churches and small groups committing to following the principals listed for 30 days. (And you can even sign-up for 30 days of tips and reminders at www.jointhekindnesschallenge.com.)

Marriages Not Crumbling

Shaunti launched her writing career with her popular For Women Only and For Men Only series that detailed findings from hundreds of interviews to explain differences between men’s and women’s thinking and demystify beliefs that motivate behaviors.

Understanding each other’s core needs, fears and values (and they do differ between the sexes) allows couples to relate to each other in more positive and productive ways.

Another myth bandied about as if it were gospel was that marriages would fall apart at high rates in reaction to the stresses of COVID. The predicted fallout has not materialized. While some marriages that were already shaky may not have survived the additional financial and mental stress the pandemic response produced, the vast majorities of marriages actually grew stronger.

“Monmouth Poll surveyed people in relationships in early May 2020 and found some uplifting numbers: ‘59% say they are extremely satisfied with that relationship and 33% are very satisfied. Another 4% are somewhat satisfied and just 1% are either not too or not at all satisfied.’ Nearly three-fourths (74%) of those with a partner commented that the coronavirus had not altered their relationship at all. Just as encouraging, an August 2020 Ipsos poll found a staggering 71% of those in non-married relationships said they wanted to take their relationship to a more committed level since COVID-19 hit,” Shaunti posted.

A point discovered during research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages has held true during the pandemic: spending time together improves relationships. A vast majority of the polls show that as couples are spending a lot more time together than they used to, they are growing closer as a result, she said.

Spending time together is the “secret sauce. In the pandemic season fewer things are taking us outside of the home today, for example, running around with kids’ sports,” she said. “Husbands and wives are actually building their friendship, reconnecting as people, without it being transactional.”

Extend Grace

Other best practices: remember to extend grace to others. Rather than reacting negatively to a comment your spouse (or another loved one) might make, evaluate the words through the lens that they have your best intentions at heart.

“It’s especially important to stop and ask yourself, ‘What’s a more generous explanation of this behavior? I know they care about me, love me and appreciate me, so what does it mean?’ It is a matter of mindset and is essential for a happy marriage at any time, and especially in a particularly stressful situation,” she said.

No matter how tempting, don’t “bite” and respond back to that irritating post or text from a difficult family member. (Especially if it’s the spouse you’ve been staying home with) Instead, Shaunti recommends you consciously choose to focus on something other than the immediate stressor.

Sex and Marriage

In October 2021, Shaunti was one of the thought leaders who spoke during the online Married Sex seminar, which featured an all-star lineup of experts in the relationship field addressing different aspects of physical intimacy in Christian marriage.

Money Matters

Worries about economic concerns can exacerbate couples’ conflicts about money. Shaunti and her husband, Jeff, published Thriving in Love and Money on March 10, 2020, just as the crisis was rearing its ugly head. While it may seem to be yet another Biblical budgeting tool, this book takes a different tack.

Thriving in Love and Money has nothing to do with money per se, Shaunti said. Rather, it describes how to have a great relationship around money.

“Today with so much uncertainty, it is more important than ever for spouses to be able to talk about it, strategize, and be on the same page,” Shaunti said.

Deep issues can cause insecurity and defensive behavior that manifest with money as the catalyst. She relates an example of how the simple delivery of (yet another) Amazon package can spark an argument. The book explains that the purchase is not actually the problem — it’s the feelings it triggers. A husband’s root desire to provide for his family may cause him to seem controlling about household expenditures, and all the more so when financial futures are uncertain. If his wife understands his concern, they can work together and not let a situation escalate. The Feldhahns launched a six-part series and workbook in January 2021 to help couples or small groups broach those conversations constructively.

Other Resources

Like so many of her colleagues, Shaunti pivoted to offer speaking engagements online.  She introduced a forum for women to explain how men think, gleaned from her research. Shaunti also launched her third devotional, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World in November 2020 and recently released (together with co-author Katie Kenny Phillips) a companion children’s book, Let’s Find Joy. The 60-day devotional focuses on eight key scriptural truths about joy that are supported by science.  “Jesus says He came to bring good news of great joy for all people.” Shaunti leads readers on a journey to find God’s promised joy.

Find ways to connect with Shaunti at www.shaunti.com. 

According to Amazon, “Shaunti’s findings have been featured in media as diverse as Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, the New York Times and Cosmo.  With a master’s degree from Harvard University, Shaunti has worked on Wall Street and Capitol Hill. She and her husband, Jeff, live in Atlanta with their two children.”